Eartha quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Hey, Gumshoe! Carmen double-crossed me, so I'm gonna get even! Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

This is Eartha Brute calling. All I do here in jail is split rocks. I've never been so happy in all my life. Bring Carmen over to share in the fun. You'll find her in (continent). (Version A)

Gee, I'm mad at Carmen! She's out there, running around, and having fun, while I'm stuck in jail! You'll find her in (continent). (Version B)

Eartha, those ACME agents are hot on your trail. You have to move fast.

Oh, great! I'm hauling around a 5-ton sea monster and you expect fast.

Calm yourself, Eartha. I have it all planned. Head for a landlocked country in South America. A henchman will meet you on its border with Peru. You can hide Nessy from ACME in one of the world's highest lakes. It's called Titicaca.

Titi-what?

Lake Titicaca. Now, go.

Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)

Chief

Greg?

...now.

Chief

Now. In my office right away.

Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?

Chief

Uh, Greg?

Yeah.

Chief

You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and you...

...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.

Yeah, I know.

Chief

Right.

Yeah, I know that.

Chief

Well, now, you better get...

...your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.

Yeah. I know that. (laughs)

Chief

Right.

Uh-huh.

Chief

Uh, you did you know...

...what you were gonna say?

Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.

Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I've never felt more unpredictable in my life. What makes you think... you're saying everything I say? Stop that! Don't do that! Peanut Butter. Octopus.

See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.

Chief

Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still haven't...

...found Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

I'll offer a free trip anywhere...

...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)

See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable, because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.

Go away.

Yes. Okay. (exits the office)

Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.

So, I should go to the capitol?

No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.

What? I'm confused.

So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.

Uh-oh. I think we're-- Think we're getting some cosmic interference here. (tunes up the monitor) Lemme see. It must be our, uh-- Our spirit gumshoe, Crystal.

What's up, Gumshoes? I'm flying first class on the Astral plane. I'm getting vile visions from the brain of the brute. I see 19,000,000 people in one big city. Spanish people. Indian. Mestizos. It used to be the center of the Aztec Empire. Wow! This must be what Eartha's looking for. Azteca Stadium! Oops! My signal's fading. Hasta luego!

See ya, Crystal. Thanks a lot.

I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.

Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvořák. Great--

Uh, Carmen, what about my games?

Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.

Who's she?

The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?

Only the comics.

I've had enough of this!

Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkinclanger. Hi, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.

That bruiser has gone to the Highland games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a 15 foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meandering and go apprehend her.

Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.

Davs.

Good day.

That means "hi".

And "good day".

...In the country where you wanna go.

It's made up of over 400 islands in the North and Baltic Seas.

It's capital is Copenhagen.

I hope you get there on Queen Margrethe's Birthday. When that happens, there's...

No school! All right!

Chief

Here's the lowdown on Eartha Brute. When she's not pumping iron, she's pounding heads. Your mission, Gumshoes: Loosen Eartha's grip on the monument, return it to its rightful place, and then, capture Carmen Sandiego! Greg!

This thing's getting awful heavy.

Quit your belly-aching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley, and hide it behind a butte.

But--

Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.

But--

Butte! Butte, you Brute!

Quit your yakking and find that obelisk!

Oh, man. This is my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey. Hey, what's an obelisk?

You ninny! The Washington Monument is an obelisk. A stone monolith that tapers to a pyramid at the top. Eartha's in a country where the earliest known obelisks were erected at Abu Qir. Now, catch her and keep your nasty voices quiet! (shuts her window)

Thank you, love of my life. (blows kisses)

Oh, hold on a second. I-- Well-- You wanna get it?

Yes.

Okay, go ahead. (Russell pulls out the phone) Yeah, just pull it out, there. All right.

Hello? (Eartha tells Russell to go to Asia)

Chief

Carmen Sandiego and her school of scurrilous scallywags have struck again. This time, they took a pop shot at Paris, France. The meeting by the emperor Napoleon, the splendor of Arc de Triomphe was built to honor the French army. Napoleon's fortunes didn't last long, but the Arc has lived on. Until last night, that is when Eartha Brute, that brawny burglar, barged up the trophied masse and snarked up the Arc. There will be darkness in the City of Light until their beloved monument is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to bag the brute, return the Arc to Paris, and then put an end to Carmen Sandiego's career in crime.

Chief

(After Eartha's profile) She's a cross trainer, a weight gainer, and a no brainer.

Carmen, how long do I have to carry this Arc around?

Quit whining. ACME's on your tail, Brute. I want you to hide the Arc behind the Barrier Reef off the caribbean coast of Central America. Then, head inland where the Howler Monkeys live.

How do I find them?

They sound like this. (makes monkey sounds) You can hear their cry almost a mile away.

Hey, sounds like my brother.

For our next clue we turn to James Avery, an informant from ACME Shredder-Net. Watch.

Pssst. Gumshoes, Eartha's in a Chinese city, on the eastern bank of the Yangtze River. It's a site that's been inhabited for thousands of years. Twice this century, the city was capital of China, but not anymore. Now it's a bustling commercial center that's capital of Jiangsu Province. That's all I know. Good luck. Get outta here!

Thanks, James. Robert, do you recognize him? Cartoons? Shredder. Shredder everybody.

Prankster of Paris!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's pack of pernicious pirates have struck again. This time, they pinched the Peruvian city of Machu Picchu. Hidden high in the Andes Mountains, the Machu Picchu ruins is one of the world's greatest archaeological treasures. Built by the Incas in the 1400s, it is often called The Lost City because it was abandoned and not rediscovered until this century. Why was it abandoned? No one knows. But now, The Lost City of the Incas is really lost. Eartha Brute, driving her customized Brute Haul Truck, four-wheeled up the Andes, packed up the Peruvian city, and drove it away. Your mission, gumshoes: unearth Eartha, return the missing Machu Picchu, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Hey, Carmen, those Acme guys are closing in. Where should I stash Michi Pichi?

That's Machu Picchu, Eartha. Take it to a country where everyone celebrates the new year and their birthday on a holiday called Tet.

Yeah, but Moochoo Poochoo is pretty big. Where am I gonna hide it?

Earth to Eartha. It's Machu Picchu. Take it to Hanoi. It's the oldest capital in Southeast Asia. You can hide it in one of the city's 12 beautiful lakes.

Are those lakes deep enough to hide Mongo Pongo?

MACHU PICCHU, BRUTEBRAIN, MACHU PICCHU! NOW GET OFF THE PHONE AND GO!

(coughs) This jail cell is awful! (snorts) No matter where I stand, I'm never more than 12 feet away from the soap. (coughs) And it's all Carmen's fault! Go get her in (Continent). (coughs)

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. According to my default program, when imprisoned for more than 11 seconds, I automatically rat on my owner. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

I used to be a sweet innocent schoolgirl. Now I'm a sweet guilty schoolgirl and it's all Carmen's fault! Go look for her in (Continent).

Darn that Carmen! I've gone from Salesman of the Century to starchin' socks in the prison laundry. I'm climbin' down the ladder of success. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

Uh-oh. If Carmen finds out I'm in jail again, I'll get fired for sure. Do me a favor and don't mention that you caught me when you're chasing her through (Continent).

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing Michael Bolton tapes. Get Carmen in here! She'll make 'em stop! She scooted to (Contient).

All right! Now I can sell my prison memoirs and make a zillion! Get Carmen in here so she can make me a publishin' deal. She's hidin' out in (Continent)

Oh, another planet, another prison cell. Maybe I could spend my sentence getting to know Carmen better. Look for her in (Continent).

That Carmen's a party pooper. We've been in jail for 17 seconds already, and she hasn't even visited yet! Look for her in (Continent).

Chief

And this is Eartha Brute, Carmen Sandiego's darling of devious deltoid devastation.

(singing) Eartha Brute, huh

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Philadelphia, PA, home of the world-renowned cheesesteak. These tasty fast-ordered delicacies are made by filling a soft hoagie roll with fried strips of thinly sliced beefsteak and topping it with melted cheese. Oh. Oh, that looks good. Personally, I like mine with extra, extra, extra, extra onions. Now, sure you can get them in other towns but take it from me, cheesesteaks taste better when you eat them in Philly, period. Or they did until today when Eartha Brute bibbed up then bopped off with all the cheesesteak in town. Stop her before she eats the whole haul for breakfast, gumshoes, it's your job to solve...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE CHEESE STEAK BRUTE QUAKE!

For our next clue, we turn to our agent from ACME kindly dear old granny net. Hit it, Nana Rap!

Thanks, sonny. Let's rock the house! (echoes 4 times and rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for her please.

Eartha, I'm sending you to Lilongwe, an African capital. But first, get some new clothes.

But, Carmen. I like what I'm wearing. It shows my muscles.

Well, this is a very modest country. Women can't wear shorts or pants. They're against the law.

Oh, sure. And the guys get to wear what they want?

Nope. Long hair that touches the collar is against the law. So are bell bottom trousers.

Gee. Then I guess I gotta go shopping. There just isn't much selection in the size 82 petite, you know.

Chief

Greg, do we really need all these wagons?

I had to make sure we brought enough snack food along, Chief. Want a pretzel?

Nobel Library. (Shoeprints are revealed)

Shh!

(each time the Cheesesteaks are revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

And this is Eartha Brute, that brainless bruiser from Carmen's barge full of burglars.

(singing) Eartha Brute, huh

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Copenhagen, Denmark. Ah, Copenhagen's Tivoli Park at night, oh, the lights thousands in every color, and the music, there's a classical concert hall, a downstairs jazz club, an oriental theater, and the food, more than 25 restaurants serving everything from traditional Danish cuisine to quick snacks. I love the place, and I am livid because today, Eartha Brute, cruising through Copenhagen, trucked into Tivoli. The brass bands, bumper cars, and bright lights all beckoned to her so she burgled the whole batch. Gumshoes, you've got to relieve this...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...TIVOLI MISERY!

Eartha, those ACME agents are closing in. Head for a historical city in Japan.

(gasps) A hysterical city, Carmen?! Why are they so upset?

I said historical city, Eartha! No one's upset! There are hundreds of shrines there and millions of Japanese tourists visit every year.

Jeez, they come all the way from Japan? That place must be really special.

Earth to Eartha! This place is in Japan! Now, just get going to Honshū Island.

Carmen, have you been under a lot of stress lately?

Just get going!

Chief

(at the end of the 1st round) Uh, big problems here, Greg. Uh, we're out of ACME Travel Kits.

Well, Chief, isn't there anything you can do? Huh?

Chief

Hmm, uh, nope. Sorry.

But what about the hologram? You could use the hologram!

Chief

(gasps) That's a great idea!

Chief

(coughs) Aren't we a little conspicuous driving these?

Ah, Chief, she'll never see us comin'.

Chief

(coughs) Yeah, but she'll see the dust a mile away.

The Warrant!

Oh! (crowd screams) You have the Loot! You have the Warrant! Do you remember where Eartha is?!

The Ice Cream Parlor.

(to the board) Is she still at Coppelia Ice Cream Parlor?!

(singing) Eartha Brute! HUH! BABALOO!!!

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing music by Kenny G. Get Carmen in here before I freak out! She scooted to (continent).

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. The judge threw the wrench at Robocrook. I'm sentenced to 20 years as a jailhouse soda machine. Get Carmen to help. You'll find her in (continent).

This prison gym is terrible. I can only bench press 1000 pounds. Make Carmen bring me more weight. You'll find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

Prison life is so uncivilized. 600 rooms and not a room service menu in sight. Tell Carmen this is more than I can bear. She went to (continent).

(same as season 3)

Now that I'm in prison, I'll get really famous. They want me on Current Copy, Inside Affair, and Hard Edition. Tell Carmen to cut a deal. You'll find her in (continent).

92 planets, 92 jail cells, My frequent prisoner miles are really adding up. I'll give Carmen a free trip to Roddenberry. Go find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

(same as season 3)

These prison clothes offend my unique sense of fashion. Isn't my right to wear plaid in the Constitution? Carmen is in (Continent). Tell her to get me a lawyer.

Know why they call me Wonder Rat? 'Cause it's a wonder that I'd rat on my own boss. (giggles) Carmen scooted to (Continent). Go get her.

I just got back from the prison laundry, and they mixed colors and whites in the same wash! (cries) I can't stand it anymore! Go find Carmen in (Continent). Tell her to help me.

A virus has infected my system software. It causes me to divulge Carmen's location. You'll find her in (Continent). Please, don't say that I sent you.

Prison sports are really fun. I get used as a frisbee, a dartboard, and a second base. Carmen should see me play, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

Aw, man! This prison life is bogus. The guards just confiscated my tattoos. Carmen's gotta spring me, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

This prison food is so dreadfully boring, I can't even get a jar of Grey Poupon. Maybe Carmen could help, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

We were partners in crime. We should be cellmates in jail, but the warden wants to split up this dream team. Carmen's laying low in (Continent). Tell her she's gotta help.

(coughs) Prison life is so disgusting, I can't believe I have to live in a place this clean. (coughs) Carmen's hiding in (Continent). (snorts) Go tell her to spring me. (sneezes)

I thought maybe I take some classes while I was in jail, but the warden says they don't have a nursery school. I need Carmen to help me, but she's in (Continent). Go get her.