Detectives, ACME Art-Net has tracked Vic the Slick to the place where Leonardo painted Lisa. Vic was spotted pinching a pinkie ring at the Ponte Vecchio, where they've been making jewelry since 1593. Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance", and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.
(picks up the phone) ACME Crime Net.
MLMona Lisa
ACME Crime Net? It's Lisa. (furiously) WHEN a-you are gone, a-rescue me!! If this jerk drags me through the Van Gogh Museum one more time, I'm gonna throw him in the Amstel River! Everything's written in Dutch. Get me out of here right now!!!
We're on the case, ma'am! Thanks so much for calling. Been a pleasure. Bye. (hangs up the phone) I love it when she calls.
(knock at door)
(Scott, the Dying Informant, screams as he gets thrown inside, but in the wrong position, so he moves properly to the drawn outline of a dead body)
I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?
SScott
(gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)
Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!
SScott
An industrial center in western Japaaaaaaaan!!!
Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.
SScott
The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)
Is that it? That's all ya had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't ya got anymore?! (loudly) ANSWER ME!!!!
SScott
(screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)
Scott, the Dying Informant! (applause; Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! How wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)
Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.
Take her to a souk in Morocco.
It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.
Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?
It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterranean Sea. And, Vic?
Oh Carmen, you've got no style.
Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?
Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.
But I don't even know anyone in Africa!
I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.
A veil? Is that what all the women wear?
Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they cover their lower face. Now stop with the questions. You just have to go.
VVoice
Greg! Greg, who's that?
Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...
VVoice
I see. Wanna see something special?
VVoice
Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.
SScott
(gets back on his feet, alive) Whoo! I feel great!
Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!
(the audience cheers and applauds as Scott returns to the alley)
Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?
KKelly
Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".
No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.
KKelly
No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.
(on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...
(a rolled carpet comes down before him)
Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.
Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…
KGKelly, Garsy, and Aziz
Lightning round.
All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.
I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.
Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.
You drove the stolen Bugatti?
I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.
SScott
I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)
Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.
Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.
I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.
This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!
SScott
(as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?
Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?
(Tons of towels get thrown all over Scott)
You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.
(He helps Scott up)
Careful. Don't catch colds.
Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.
(Scott throws his towels to him anyway)
All right. Thank you, anyway.
(He dumps the towels onto the floor)
Scott, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause)
Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?
(in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!
But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...
Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...
I'm sorry, but I didn't--
Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!
(the audience cheers and applauds)
Greg, isn't that bribery?
Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.
Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?
(walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?
Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?
Sean, Scott, Barry, and Elliot: YEAH!!
Audience, are you behind me?!
Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!
(says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!
You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.
Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!
Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.
Next time, I take a plane!
(Rockapella parodies The Temptations "My Girl")
There's a salmon ladder... Oh, yeah...
On the Bonneville Dam.
Oh-oh.
Look for Patty there. Hmm-hmm.
Cause that's where she am.
Whoa-whoa
Well...
AAll
Maybe at the Ashland Shakespeare Festival
In the Beaver State where she's arrestable.
Oh, Patty's one bad girl.
Ooh-be-do. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Rockapella, everybody! Let's hear it! Come on!
Patty, those ACME agents have found you. Head for Hobart. It's the second oldest European settlement in Australia.
Gee, Carmen, isn't that where they sent British convicts?
(laughs) Only the worst ones, Patty, but that was long ago. Now, it's the capital of one of Australia's best nature regions.
A nature region, huh? Sounds like a good place to hide the stone.
Of course it is, Patty. That's why I do the thinking. Go to Freycinet National Park. A henchman will be there to guide you.
Now, guys, it's time for us to turn to the Paula Abdul of the geriatrics set. Please welcome Nana Rap!
(applause)
(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)
Just north of Kalimantan.
Is where 2 states lie.
Is where the rest of the nation.
It borders the tides.
You got rubber production.
Those plantations are sight,
But when it's time to relax,
People love flying kites.
The curtock, a drum makes it sound like its name.
And top-spinning contests are a popular game.
Now, go capture Patty, 'cause I've told you enough.
And show Carmen Sandiego your crime-bustin' stuff!
You got the Nana! Na-ah-ah Nana! Get down with the Nana! Na-ah-ah--
Let's hear it! Nana Rap! Come on!
Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her slew of smarmy smugglers have struck again. This time, they burgled a batch of brains in Russia. Moscow's Academy of Medical Sciences is home to a unique group of laboratories, the Brain Institute. For nearly 70 years, scientists there have collected the brains of deceased poets, painters, physicists, and presidents. That grey matter has been sliced, diced, pickled, and tickled, all in an effort to determine whether great minds are anatomically different from the average brain on the street. The lists of noggins in a jar reads like a who's who of the former Soviet union. There's Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, tyrannical dictator Joseph Stalin, writer Maxim Gorky, and poet Vladimir Mayakovsky to name a few. There are even animal brains including those of an Indian elephant and a Mississippi alligator. If you're a fan of frontal lobes, if you crave cortex, if you're serious about cerebellum, this is a place to be. Or it was until Robocrook, that pilfering pile of artificial stupidity, raided the institute and cribbed crania. Gumshoes, your mission is to bring in Robocrook, bring back the brains, and then bring down Carmen Sandiego.
CContractor
You guys are great. You know what else I like? I like every day, (to Greg) when you come into the office here, (to the Chief) and you tell him (Greg) to...
Greg and The Chief: "Go away.". (they all laugh, and the contractor heads back to work)
Well, he really likes that part.
Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office)
I tell ya, Norm Abram would be proud! (laughter)
(Rockapella parodies "The Brady Bunch" theme song)
SScott
Here's the story of the Florida city...
That was founded back in 1824.
As the capital of the territory.
Who could ask for more?
It's a college town, and Robo's got the brains.
At FSU and ANM, he stopped for lunch.
Then he did a little fishing at Lake Jackson.
And that's where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch.
Scott and Elliot: Brainy Bunch.
Scott and Elliot: Brainy Bunch.
AAll
That is where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch!
AAll
Ba-da ba-da ba-ba-da-bop!
Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen!
(about Robo during The Chase round) He hid out in the capital of Georgia. Name it. (Kristyna buzzes in)
KKristyna
What is Atlanta? (laughter)
Atlanta's right! Welcome to Jeopardy! and Carmen Sandiego.
(imitates Alex Trebek's voice) Hi. I'm Alex Trebek, and now it's time for final clue of this round (normal voice) which means you have to decide how much you wanna to risk.
Goin' out of my head over you!
Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's ring of rabble-rousing rapscallions has struck again. This time, they burgled bones from the National Museum of Ethiopia in Addis Ababa. In 1974, paleoanthropologists digging in Ethiopia uncovered uncovered the oldest and most complete skeleton of an early human. It was a female about three and a half feet tall and 25 years old if you don't count the 3 million years she's been dead. Her discoverer has called her Lucy because they we're listening to the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" when they found her. But now, Lucy's skeleton hangs in Top Grunge's closet. That skid marked scallywag cycled onto the site, disguised Lucy as a biker, then drove her away. Your mission, gumshoes: fracture Top Grunge's evil plans, bring back Lucy's bones, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.
(Rockapella parodies the "I Love Lucy" theme song)
SScott
Grunge loves Lucy, and there they went.
Dinosaur National Monument.
That's where the creep took the skelly-ton.
He's such a VILE, nasty smelly-ton.
He wants to take her to ski at Vale.
Toss that big, wheezing crook in jail.
Check Pueblo out for the Grunge path!
And please...
Oh, won't you please?
Oh, won't you give...
Oh, won't you please give ol' Lucy a great, big, beautiful sponge...
Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, please!
DMDennis Miller
Hello. Greg, Dennis Miller. Look, I've got a little message for you and your puttyboots, pal.
DDennis
I don't care if their horseshoes, cha-cha. Okay? Listen. There's a pan-global kleptomaniac in a slouch hat running around out there, and it's time you did something about it. I know trilobytes who are closer to... catching Carmen Sandiego than you. You're lurals are creasing, Greggo. It's time to stop resting on them, pal. (hangs up)
Nice guy. Dennis Miller, my good buddy. (hangs up the phone)
NOTE: This episode contains two Gregs. Greg Lee, the host, and Greg Spatz, the Gumshoe. The lines will be revealed as "Greg" for Greg Lee, and "Greg S." for Greg Spatz.
Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's throng of thorny thugs has speed again. This time, the wrangled a raveled road in San Francisco. The Guinness Book of World Records says that San Francisco's Lombard Street is the crookedest street in the world. The Lombard Street S-curves were built on San Francisco's Russian Hills in the 1920s. Back then, the switchbacks allowed cars and horse-drawn carriages to safely get down the treacherous slope. These days, Lombard's a big tourist attraction and the view from the top is quite a thrill. But now, this crooked street has been crooked. Vic the Slick, driving a souped up street sweeper, swept it up and swiped it. Your mission, gumshoes: outtrick Vic, return Lombard Street to San Francisco, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.
(hears pounding coming from the alley) Wait a minute, something's goin' on in here. Let's, uh, go find out what it is. I'm not sure exactly. (enters the alley) Hey!
WHAT'S THE WORD ON THE STREET!?!?!
SScott
(stops pounding) Hey, man, you don't hafta yell. Greg, the Word on the Street is "industria". That means "industry" in Spanish. Now, industry's growin' really fast in Mexico, and Vic's in a city where about a quarter of all of Mexico's factories are located and they get their power through big natural gas pipeline that runs into the city from nearby Texas. (he and the rest of Rockapella resume pounding)
I just, uh-- I just wanted to say thank you,... because courtesy still counts around here, Mister.
And this is Wonder Rat, that self-glorifying snout-faced nibbler who works for Camren Sandiego.
His last known whereabouts: the Australian Airwaves. Times are tough for Australian television. Recently, all three of the country's commercial TV networks declared bankruptcy, but one network is doing well: ABC, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. It's a government funded public network. Once regarded as a stodgy producer of science and news programs, ABC has become a crowd-pleaser. Or it had until today when Wonder Rat, with the help of his hired hopping hooligans, purloined the programming from ABC. While his ruse reconnoitered, the rat remained. Gumshoes, you got to catch Carmen, rope the rat, and solve today's case...
WRWilliam Ragsdale
(hears the sound of a stampede) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence, Gumshoes: (forms the Triangle with his hands) Vigilance, Dedication, Courage!
Here's a list of places Carmen may have traveled.
Chief, what are you doin'? You are completely off. That is not the right thing. It's not time for that!
Well-- Well, you're right Greg. I was just going by this schedule.
Well, then, your schedule is wrong, Chief. I'm sorry. (lightning flashes a second time) Excuse me! We-- We already had the Lightning Round! Listen, guys. We're havin' some kinda scheduling problem. I'm sorry. Lemme go try to work this out. I'll be right back.
(the rest of the office sketch is the same as in "Unfair Exchange")
I think ACME's ready to spring a trap on you.
Geez, I'd better stop... (sniffs) ...sniffin' around here, then.
Take the network to a Spanish town on the Mediterranean Sea. It's where artist Pablo Picasso was born. You can hole up in the Gibralfaro, an ancient Moorish castle.
Gee, that's great! A TV network, a castle? Hoo-hoo! I'm travelin' in style! I wanna be as famous as Michael Jackson. Hee.
You're gonna be as busted as Michael Milton if you don't move your tail.
There's mustard on your sleeve.
No kidding. (rubs his sleeve) Oh, gee. Sorry about that. I'll take care of that later on. Okay, thanks, Chief.
(as the Chief, Greg, and the gumshoes travel to Indianapolis, Indiana)
Greg, didn't I tell you to get this road flattened?
Sorry, Chief. I've been busy trainin' Gumshoes.
(before the Jailtime Challenge) You guys were tied at the end of the last round. We flipped a coin. Antonio, you won that toin coss. Toin coss? That cossed toin. You won. (laughter) You're gonna go first. Go ahead.
(each time Shoeprints are revealed) Near Scott's house!
1 mile from Scott's house!
SScott
(on his own) 1 mile from my house!
(each time the Australian Broadcasting Corporation is revealed)
Netted network!
Pilfered primetime!
Aussie lossie!
Plunder down under!
No show!
Don't touch that dial!
Go, Antonio!
(when Antonio wins the 2nd round) Wonder Rat! TOUCHÉ!
Rockapella (singing): Robocrook
Has no grace. He's a lummox built with two cast-iron stomachs. His last known whereabouts: cyberspace. Cyberspace is the place where people communicate over computer networks and the mother of all networks is called the Internet. The Internet links thousands of smaller networks and millions of computer users in dozen of countries. People go online for everything from doing research to sending electronic mail to just plain chatting. You can even tour the White House on the Internet, all from your home computer. The possibilities are literally endless. Or they were until today...
Rockapella (singing): Oh, no!
...when Robocrook took a peek at an unsuspecting geek and got an idea for a heinous high-tech heist. He blasted into orbit, plugged into a satellite, then intercepted the entire Internet. The world's wireheads wigged when their monitors frazzed, and now every bit and byte are in that two-bit burglar's brain. Gumshoes, it's up to you to solve today's system glitch...
Rockapella (singing): Woo-woo-ooo-oo
...TAKE A BYTE OUT OF CRIME!
Robo, lay low on an island that borders the Coral Sea. Whatever you do, don't pet the birds.
How can I get in touch with my warm human side if you keep me away from coddling critters?
You wouldn't want to get in touch with some pitohuis. It's the world's first known poisonous bird. Contact with it's feathers or skin causes a numbing sensation.
Like watching reruns of Star Trek?
More like getting pins and needles. Scientists thought the pitohui's bright feathers were meant to attract mates, but now believe they maybe a warning against the poison.
Which reminds me, Carmen. It's time to change my anti-freeze.
Old Cowtown Museum. (Shoeprints are revealed)
Eisenhower Library. (Shoeprints are revealed)
(as Robo is first revealed) (imitates a buzzer sound) Robocrook! Robocrook! Robo--
(crowd gasps)
I'm sorry, that's-- (laughs) Surprised Rockapella on that one.
(a puppet appears with the phone) Oh, hey, look at that! A puppet! (the puppet nods its head, gives Greg the phone, and leaves) Thank you, Mr. Puppet. Hey! Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on a second. We just got this phone from the puppet. (hands Lauren the phone) There ya go.
A virus has infected my system's software. It causes me to divulge Carmen's location. You'll find her in North America. Please! Don't say that I sent you.
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? · 274 quotes