Chief quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Chief

Here's the lowdown on Eartha Brute. When she's not pumping iron, she's pounding heads. Your mission, Gumshoes: Loosen Eartha's grip on the monument, return it to its rightful place, and then, capture Carmen Sandiego! Greg!

This thing's getting awful heavy.

Quit your belly-aching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley, and hide it behind a butte.

But--

Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.

But--

Butte! Butte, you Brute!

Quit your yakking and find that obelisk!

Oh, man. This is my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey. Hey, what's an obelisk?

You ninny! The Washington Monument is an obelisk. A stone monolith that tapers to a pyramid at the top. Eartha's in a country where the earliest known obelisks were erected at Abu Qir. Now, catch her and keep your nasty voices quiet! (shuts her window)

Thank you, love of my life. (blows kisses)

Oh, hold on a second. I-- Well-- You wanna get it?

Yes.

Okay, go ahead. (Russell pulls out the phone) Yeah, just pull it out, there. All right.

Hello? (Eartha tells Russell to go to Asia)

Chief

I want results, Greg! I want you to find Patty! I want you to bring back that pooch! Lhasa Apsa... What's his name?

Lhasa Apso. Yep.

Chief

Yeah. If you get Patty, she will lead us to Carmen Sandiego, and that's what I want! Now, report, Buster!

Okay. Well, we had a talking yak for a while, which kinda threw us for a little bit. But...

Chief

All right. Wait. I'll sweeten the pot for the Gumshoes. (to the Gumshoes) Gumshoes, find Carmen, and I will send you anywhere in the whole country.

Uh, Chief.

Chief

What?

(whispers) We can't do that.

Chief

Why not?

We're talkin' 'bout budget. (whispers an idea to the Chief)

Chief

Oh. (to the Gumshoes) Anywhere in the lower 48 states.

Hey!

Chief

Hey, it's still a heck of a deal!

Heck of a deal!

Chief

Yeah. (to Greg) Go away.

Yes, ma'am. Okay.

Everything's okay.

If it isn't too much trouble, please bring 100,000,000 lire to the Via De La Scrofa. I'll be enjoying fettucine at Alfredo's. If I don't get the money by the time they serve the cappuccino, Apso will become a little dog gone. Molto grazia. I mean, thank you so very much. Ciao!

Hmm. Nothin' like a polite threat!

Head for Kyoto. When you see fire on a mountain in the shape of a symbol for big, you'll know you're there.

Sounds like fun. What's the occasion?

It's the Daimonji festival. The end of the Bon season. When the spirits of the dead return to earth.

Geez, sounds kinda scary to us, Carmen.

Don't worry, it's a celebration.

Hey, celebration's our middle name.

Chief

(refers to the St. Charles Streetcar Line) Take a ride. It's absolutely stellar. (imitates Marlon Brando) Stella. Stella! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember, if you get robbed, don't worry, Jack. We'll find your stuff and give it back!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's band of belligerent buckaroos are back in the saddle again. This time, they've heisted a hunk of historic heritage from New York Harbor. Ellis Island was the most immigration processing station in the United States. Between 1892 and 1954, more than 16 million newcomers arrived at the dots of this small, partly artificial island in New York Harbor. In fact, about half of the employees here at ACME have grandparents or great-grandparents who came through this country through Ellis. In 1990, thanks to the efforts of a commission, headed by Lee Iacocca, the new Ellis Island Museum of Immigration was opened to preserve the story of their arrival for future generations. But now, this famed gateway to America has been yanked off its hinges. Double Trouble, Carmen's dual devious delinquents, parasailed into New York Harbor, dropped a net over Ellis Island, then speedboated away. Your mission, gumshoes: burst Double Trouble's bubble, return Ellis Island to New York Harbor, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Oh, uh, usually, I get a call from the Chief about this... (sees on the monitor that she is absent from her office) ...time, but-- Chief? She's not there. Lemme go-- Just lemme go check on her. I'm gonna find out. You guys stay here. Just wanna find out. (enters the office) Chief! Hey, Chief! That's funny. The Chief isn't even in here. (sees a note on her desk) Wait a minute. What's this? It's a letter. (sits down; reads letter) It says: "Dear Chief, This is good-bye? I can no longer stand by where you devote all your time to capturing Carmen. What could've been will never be, because what could be can't be, if you won't be and I can't be. So good-bee..." I mean, "-bye. Signed, Horace. P.S.: I can never get used to calling you Chief." Ah! That is so sad! Oh! But I guess that's the price ya pay when ya dedicate your life to fighting crime.

Chief

Oh, Greg, I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, Chief, that's okay.

Chief

I had something in my eye.

Well, that's perfectly understandable. It sure is. Yes, it is understandable.

Chief

What do you mean it's understandable?

Well, Chief, you know, I had my heart broken, too. Yeah. Her name was Patti Fitzbingling-Enhoffendorffer. I called her Patti. And not a day goes by when I still don't think about her, except maybe yesterday, and of course, Tuesday, I didn't think about her...

Chief

Greg, what are you blathering about?!

Well, Chief, we saw the letter, and, you know...

Chief

Oh. That! Oh. (laughs) This is a letter I got when I was just a little Chieflet in the 2nd grade. It's scrap paper! What's important is what I wrote on the back.

(sees the back of the letter) I see. ACME Memo. (reads) "To all Gumshoes, regarding reward, the agent who captures Carmen Sandiego will get a free trip anywhere in North America."

That's great, Chief. Yeah. Uh, Chief, by the way, whatever happened to Horace? Did he get married? Or...

Chief

Go away, Greg.

Maybe it's too personal.

Chief

Greg?

Okay.

Chief

Horace.

Patti. (blows his nose, wipes his tears, and returns to work) Okay, Gumshoes!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's barbaric batch of baboons have struck again. This time, it was a case of Mexican mayhem in the Gulf of California. Eons ago, the peninsula of Baja California broke loose from what is now Mexico and drifted northwest, leaving a few islands in its wake. One of them is a beachcomber's paradise named Carmen. The island is home to beaches, wildlife, an abandoned saltworks, and only one man. He looks after the deserted town of Salinas. But today, the population doubled when Vic the Slick slithered ashore. His boss's birthday is coming up and he figured an island named Carmen would be the perfect gift. Stealing it was the easy part. Wrapping it will be tough. Your mission, gumshoes: show Vic he's not so slick, return the island of Carmen to Mexico, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

They're on to you, Vic. Hide Carmen Island on Devil's Island in South America.

You mean the famous prison?

It's not a prison anymore. Now tourists go there believe it or not, and it's in the same place that the launch site used by the European space program.

I didn't know Europe was puttin' people in orbit.

Not people. Satellites. The space program is run as a business. They launch satellites for companies and other nations.

A space business, huh? Geez, those frequent flier miles must really add up.

Okay, gumshoes. Look for Vic in Asir National Park. There's hiking, cool temperatures, and mountain scenery, and it's a Mideast nation with one of the world's largest deserts. The desert's about the size of France, but so hot and so dry that almost no one goes there. No wonder Vic headed for the hills, but you gotta keep the heat on.

(each time Carmen Island is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her slew of smarmy smugglers have struck again. This time, they burgled a batch of brains in Russia. Moscow's Academy of Medical Sciences is home to a unique group of laboratories, the Brain Institute. For nearly 70 years, scientists there have collected the brains of deceased poets, painters, physicists, and presidents. That grey matter has been sliced, diced, pickled, and tickled, all in an effort to determine whether great minds are anatomically different from the average brain on the street. The lists of noggins in a jar reads like a who's who of the former Soviet union. There's Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, tyrannical dictator Joseph Stalin, writer Maxim Gorky, and poet Vladimir Mayakovsky to name a few. There are even animal brains including those of an Indian elephant and a Mississippi alligator. If you're a fan of frontal lobes, if you crave cortex, if you're serious about cerebellum, this is a place to be. Or it was until Robocrook, that pilfering pile of artificial stupidity, raided the institute and cribbed crania. Gumshoes, your mission is to bring in Robocrook, bring back the brains, and then bring down Carmen Sandiego.

You guys are great. You know what else I like? I like every day, (to Greg) when you come into the office here, (to the Chief) and you tell him (Greg) to...

Well, he really likes that part.

Chief

You, too.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office)

I tell ya, Norm Abram would be proud! (laughter)

Here's the story of the Florida city...

Oh, the Brainy Bunch.

The Brainy Bunch.

That is where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch!

Oh, yeah!

Ba-da ba-da ba-ba-da-bop!

Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen!

(about Robo during The Chase round) He hid out in the capital of Georgia. Name it. (Kristyna buzzes in)

Kristyna?

What is Atlanta? (laughter)

Atlanta's right! Welcome to Jeopardy! and Carmen Sandiego.

(imitates Alex Trebek's voice) Hi. I'm Alex Trebek, and now it's time for final clue of this round (normal voice) which means you have to decide how much you wanna to risk.

Goin' out of my head over you!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her mob of mulish miscreants have marauded again. The dirty deed was done in Deutschland. Begun in the 1930s, the Autobahn was the world's first attempt at creating a national highway system. Today, it winds some 10,000 miles throughout Germany, and is thought to be the only major highway in the world without a speed limit. Well, today, Top Grunge grind his way to Germany and got a grip on the famous roadway. It will be sad faces and slow driving all over the land until their beloved Autobahn is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to release the Autobahn from bondage, topple Top Grunge, and then capture crime queen Carmen Sandiego.

Wow. What a great road. No speed limit! (laughs)

Stop laughing and start leaving, asphalt breath. I want you to haul the highway to N'Djamena. It's the capital of a landlocked African nation.

I don't know, Carmen. Ain't there a war goin' on?

No. The Muslim nomads in the north and the non-Muslim farmers in the south used to fight each other, but that's over. If the city's too risky, head north to the mountains of the Sahara Desert. And get a camel their blanket. It's cold there.

Sounds kinda itchy, Carmen. You know how sensitive my skin is.

That's only because you never washed it.

'Scuse me just one moment. I think I'm getting a message from Kafka. (sets off for The Roach Hotel) Let's check into The Roach Hotel.

Greg, hi. You caught me eating lunch. Anyway, Grunge is on a Peninsula in the Atlantic. Where birds from all over stop on their way south every year. Humans seem to like it, too. The town on the Peninsula's tip is full of lovely Victorian boarding houses and Hotels. The birds like it. The humans like it, but it just isn't damp and stinky enough for a roach like me. Speaking of damp and stinky, I love these things. They're awful.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's pack of pusillanimous punks has prowled again. This time, they clinched their criminal claws around a statue in the African nation in Togo. A monument to a plane wreck might seem strange, but it's one of the main attractions in the town of Sarakawa, Togo. It marks the spot where a plane carrying president Eyadema crashed under very suspicious circumstances in 1974. The president survived the crash and erected and imposing statue of himself at the site. It shows him pointing to the ground and saying, "They almost killed me here." It stood in defiance of the president's enemies until today when Wonder Rat, Carmen's whiskered and witless wannabe, took his tawdry tights to Togo, detached the statue, and scampered away. He left an inflatable Wonder Rat doll in its place. Your mission, gumshoes: snap the trap shut on Wonder Rat, return Edadema's statue to Togo, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

(after Wonder Rat's profile) He's so desperate to promote himself, he'd pose for the photo on a box of rat poison.

ACME's about to trap you. Head for a city whose population went from 0 to 10,000 in one day.

Holy cheese! Why do they hurry?

Because the US government was giving the land away. It's in a state that was called Indian Territory until it was open for settlement. At noon on April 22, 1889, gunshots were fired. That was the signal for thousands of people to charge in and state their claims.

So, the government took Indian Territory and gave it away to other people? Nyah, that's stealin'.

You oughta know, Cheesemeister. Now, move.

Chief

This marker stands at the southernmost point in the US outside of Hawaii, and-- Oh, now, will you look at that? What? See those two names on top? Someone has thoughtlessly put graffiti on it. Let's try to get a closer look on them. (the camera zooms up closer to the top of the marker) Focus on them. Uh,-- Oh, yes. Sue and Janet. Well, I can't quite make out the last name. Well, Sue and Janet, if you're watching this show, how does it feel to have 5,000,000 people know you have defaced public property?

(to the tune of the Bee-Gee's "Stayin' Alive"; when the statue is revealed) Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stayin' Alive! Stayin' Alive!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her brood of bombastic brats have burgled again. This time, they struck in Mudgeeraba, Australia. Now this simple but ingenious device, gumshoes, is a boomerang. Now if you throw it right, it should return to you. Now the boomerang was originally used by Australia's aborigines for hunting warfare and ceremonies. Well, nowadays, it's a popular toy and a souvenir for anyone who visits down under, and this factory in Mudgeeraba, Queensland turns out thousands of them a year. Or it did until this morning when that rustbucket Robocrook marauded to Mudgeeraba and bagged every last boomerang. Gumshoes, your assignment is to wrangle Robocrook, bounce those boomerangs back where they belong, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen, ACME is closing in. Send me somewhere safe.

Head for the city of Göteborg by the North Sea. It's in a country where peace and safety are a way of life. It's in the nation of Doug Hammershald, who founded the UN Peacekeeping Force in the middle east.

So, it's peaceful, but is it safe?

Violence is a no-no. It's even illegal for parents to spank their children.

So, the Gumshoes can't spank me?

No, but they can still bust you. Keep out of sight.

Robocrook transmitting from a correctional institute. Carmen Sandiego presently located in South America. Ta-ta.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's horde of heisted hooligans has heisted again. This time, they hid a college just outside of San José, Costa Rica. The University of Costa Rica is the nation's largest, oldest, and one of the most prestigious institutes of higher learning. Its some 28,000 students follow a rigorous schedule which begins in February and ends in December. Although similar in many ways a U. S. university, Costa Rican educational requirements are particularly demanding. Students must complete 300 hours of community service and write a thesis or pass a graduate exam in order to earn their degree. Now, school's out for good in Costa Rica because the university has disappeared. Patty Larceny, Carmen's brainy burglarizer, pretended she was taking final exams, but took the whole school instead. Your mission, gumshoes: put the padlock on Patty, return the University of Costa Rica, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

(sings to the tune of Alice Cooper's "School's Out") School's out forever!

Nice job. Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's mob of mendacious mutants has struck again. This time, they dipped their duplicitous ditches in San Antonio, Texas. In 1836, the Alamo was a site of an epic battle during Texas' war for independence from Mexico. For 12 long days, about 190 Texans held off an attack by thousands of Mexican soldiers. But on the 13th day, the Alamo was stormed and the Texan defenders were killed. When we say "Remember the Alamo," it's their brave fight we recall. But now, this Texas landmark is just a memory because the Alamo has disappeared. Robocrook, that pile of pilfering processes, stormed San Antonio, lassoed the Alamo, then hauled it away. Your mission, gumshoes: short circuit Robocrook, return the Alamo to Texas, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Robo, the gumshoes are after you. Head for a country just south of Chad.

Orders acknowledged. Will I encounter communication problems, due to numerous tribal languages?

Not here. There're more than 80 different ethnic groups living together, but many speak a common language called Sango.

Ah, good. I've learned Sango in high school. Could you suggest a location for food?

Of course. Try the restaurant in the city of Bangui. You'll find everything from cooked monkeys to warthogs.

Just a nice simple dish of axle grease would suffice.

(each time the Alamo is revealed)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's gang of globe-trotting goons has glommed again. This time, the scene of the crime was Brussels, Belgium, the beautiful city of Renaissance, architecture, great food, and bilingual citizens. But nothing catches a fancy of Brussels visitors like this fountain. With this bronzed statue of a little boy answering the call on May 5. Seriously, the fountain was built in 1619 by a sculptor named Jérôme Duquesnoy. This statue, or manneken as they say in Dutch, is real proof that different cultures find different things offensive, while some societies, perhaps even people in our own, would find this little guy horribly crass and tried to have him destroyed. But in Belgium, he's just an object of whimsical humor. They sell little squirting souvenirs on these streets, and whenever there's a holiday or festival, city workers dress him up in a new custom tailored outfit. Well, today he was abducted. Top Grunge, that grimy greaseball with a permanent cold, bagged him in broad daylight. Gumshoes, here's your mission: get Grunge, reinstate the statue, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Hey, Carmen, this statue's leavin' a trail!

Head for Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and hide the statue behind the famous geyser.

What's a geyser?

A hole in the earth that spits out water and steam. It's generated by red-hot magma beneath the earth's surface.

I don't know, Carmen. Didn't they have a huge forest fire a few years back?

Don't worry. If it happens again, the mountains can help put it out. And you'll love the geyser, Grunge. It smells like sulfur.

What does sulfur smell like?

Rotten eggs. Just like you.

Carmen, that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. (sneezes)

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and remember: It's not a brag, it's not a bolt, we turn criminals into pulp.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her slew of sleazy slugs have struck again. This time, they did the illicit action in Illinois. Metropolis, Illinois built itself as a hometown of Clark Kent A.K.A. Superman. Back in the 1940s, when the DC Comics superhero first became famous, the folks in Metropolis noticed that their city has the same name as Superman's fictional city. Years later, they turned coincidence into opportunity by jumping into the roadside attraction business. Now, Metropolis boasts the only official Superman phone booth, Superman billboard, water tower, and annual celebrations. It's even got a newspaper called, you guessed it, the Metropolis Planet. But it was dire headlines today when Wonder Rat, in a bit of medium-mongering jealousy, stole the entire city. He says he won't release it until every last image of Clark Kent is replaced with his own heroic visions. They'll be illing in Illinois until Metropolis is returned. Gumshoes, this cannot be tolerated. Your mission is to round up the rat, get the city of Metropolis back to the city of Metropolis, and then catch that burg-burgling bigwig Carmen Sandiego.

Nyah, I'm thinkin' of changin' the name of this town I stole. How does Ratopolis sound?

How does jail sound? ACME's about to nab you. Head for Monrovia, the capital of a West African nation that's home to one of the world's largest fleets of privately owned ships.

Yeah, yeah, right. Ship owners all over the world register there, 'cause they charge low taxes and lenient regulations. Say, I could use a nice rat-cruise.

Forget it. You've got to hide. Head into the rainforest and disguise yourself as a Pygmy Hippo. This is one of the few parts of Africa where they live.

Gee, I don't know Carmen. Wonder-Dwarf-Pygmy-Hippo-Rat? It just doesn't roll off the tongue.

Hmmm, no it doesn't.

(each time Metropolis is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Carmen Sandiego and her school of scurrilous scallywags have struck again. This time, they took a pop shot at Paris, France. The meeting by the emperor Napoleon, the splendor of Arc de Triomphe was built to honor the French army. Napoleon's fortunes didn't last long, but the Arc has lived on. Until last night, that is when Eartha Brute, that brawny burglar, barged up the trophied masse and snarked up the Arc. There will be darkness in the City of Light until their beloved monument is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to bag the brute, return the Arc to Paris, and then put an end to Carmen Sandiego's career in crime.

Chief

(After Eartha's profile) She's a cross trainer, a weight gainer, and a no brainer.

Carmen, how long do I have to carry this Arc around?

Quit whining. ACME's on your tail, Brute. I want you to hide the Arc behind the Barrier Reef off the caribbean coast of Central America. Then, head inland where the Howler Monkeys live.

How do I find them?

They sound like this. (makes monkey sounds) You can hear their cry almost a mile away.

Hey, sounds like my brother.

For our next clue we turn to James Avery, an informant from ACME Shredder-Net. Watch.

Pssst. Gumshoes, Eartha's in a Chinese city, on the eastern bank of the Yangtze River. It's a site that's been inhabited for thousands of years. Twice this century, the city was capital of China, but not anymore. Now it's a bustling commercial center that's capital of Jiangsu Province. That's all I know. Good luck. Get outta here!

Thanks, James. Robert, do you recognize him? Cartoons? Shredder. Shredder everybody.

Prankster of Paris!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her army of anti-social aardvarks has struck again. This time, they vandalized the green valleys and verdant meadows of New Zealand. First severed by Polynesian people, now called Māori about 1,000 years ago, the islands of New Zealand were colonized by the British in 1840. And they brought some very important friends: sheep. Why are sheep important in New Zealand? I'll tell you. Okay, it's the 19th century. England's farmland is shrinking while its population is growing. "Hmm," England says, "how do we feed these folks? Hey! We got New Zealand, a huge colony crawling with sheep, but it's 13,000 miles away. Well, I guess we'll just have to develop refrigeration. Yes!" So they froze the sheep, tipped them halfway around the world, and everyone was happy. England had food, New Zealand had a major industry. Now if you can just freeze Carmen and send it to Mars... well, anyway. Yesterday, Vic the Slick, disguised as Little Bo Peep, rounded up 65 million of the cloven hoofed critters and herded them away. Every last sheep from Wellington to Waikawa is gone, gone, gone. Now gumshoes, here's your mission: vanquish Vic, shag the sheep home, and then corral that criminal Carmen Sandiego.

All this bleepin' bleatin' is givin' me a headache, Carmen.

Take two aspirin and scram before ACME makes mutton out of you.

(sings when the Sheep are revealed in the second round) Little lost lambies!