Contessa quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Honor among thieves? Surely you jest! If I'm going to prison, I'm taking Carmen with me. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?

Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".

No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.

No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.

(on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...

Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.

Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…

Lightning round.

All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.

I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.

Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.

You drove the stolen Bugatti?

Of course not!

Good.

I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.

Why me?!

I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)

Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.

Chief

Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.

Chief

I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!

Carmen, darling I have two problems. First of all the gumshoes are on to me, second of all I'm freezing!

Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.

Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!

I'm not your 'bella', I'm your boss.

Now, it would not be PBS if we do not take time for something right now that's very special. And that is...

...Puppets! Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet! Please welcome him.

Chief

It's Handy! Hi, Handy.

Hello! It's nice to see you. How are you?

Chief

Oh, it's good to see you, too. You're so cute.

It's good to be here.

Excuse me. Excuse me, you 2? We could kinda use a clue right here, if you don't mind.

Oh, very sorry. Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Well, it's way up north in North America, but it's warmed by the Japan current. She had a cab take her around the city. It was completely wrecked by an earthquake in 1964, and they rebuilt the place!

Chief

Oh, you are just the cutest thing.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

Chief

(laughs) You're welcome.

Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...

Chief

Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.

It's not real. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!

Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Anchorage.

Anchorage.

And you're gonna look for the Contessa and the Fall Fashion. You hafta go there, find 'em, bring 'em back. But I want ya to know, we do not send our agents out into the field. Alone. Right?

Right. Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

(each time the Paris Fall Fashion Collection is revealed (all are spoken instead of sung))

(as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?

Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.

Careful. Don't catch colds.

Need a towel?

Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.

All right. Thank you, anyway.

Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Greg?

Yes? Yes, Chief?

Chief

In my office pronto.

Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?

Chief

(in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!

But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...

Chief

Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...

Chief

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, but I didn't--

Chief

Stop!

Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!

Huh? All right.

Chief

Greg.

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, isn't that bribery?

Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.

Chief

Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?

(walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?

YEAH!

Rockapella, are you?

Audience, are you behind me?!

YEAH!!!

Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!

(says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!

You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.

Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!

Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.

Next time, I take a plane!

Chief, you there? Chief? The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just sit and wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) Oh, this is nice, huh? This is what it feels like. I like this. Hey! (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo! I like this. (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg. Greg. You're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one that I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) The earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (audience doubles over in laughter) (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. And I will give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one that does.

Chief, look, uh, I knew you realize I wasn't makin' fun of you; it was more like a tribute, sorta.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!

Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.

(gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!

No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.

Carmen, I want glamor! Not an old bar!

Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.

You'll be singing a different tune when ACME nabs you.

(gasps) Mama Figimasta! What should I do?!

Head for the west-African coast. You can park the Opera House on the Goree Island. You'll love the French restaurants and the beautiful beaches in this town.

It sounds delightful!

Yes, it is. Just be sure to brush up on your Wolof. It's the nation's main indigenous language.

Carmen, you make me crazy! Every day, with the brushing up! What am I?! A criminal or a translator?!

Contessa, darling, you're going to be an inmate if you don't hurry up. Now get moving!

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing music by Kenny G. Get Carmen in here before I freak out! She scooted to (continent).

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. The judge threw the wrench at Robocrook. I'm sentenced to 20 years as a jailhouse soda machine. Get Carmen to help. You'll find her in (continent).

This prison gym is terrible. I can only bench press 1000 pounds. Make Carmen bring me more weight. You'll find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

Prison life is so uncivilized. 600 rooms and not a room service menu in sight. Tell Carmen this is more than I can bear. She went to (continent).

(same as season 3)

Now that I'm in prison, I'll get really famous. They want me on Current Copy, Inside Affair, and Hard Edition. Tell Carmen to cut a deal. You'll find her in (continent).

92 planets, 92 jail cells, My frequent prisoner miles are really adding up. I'll give Carmen a free trip to Roddenberry. Go find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

(same as season 3)

Chief

This is Contessa.

(singing) Contessa

Chief

An uppity upper-crust up to no gooder who uproots loot for Carmen Sandiego. Her last known whereabouts: Manaus, Brazil. The mysterious part of the Amazon rainforest, home to strange plants, unusual animals, and a turn of the century opera house. Built when Manaus was a rich center of the booming rubber trade, the Teatro Amazonas once attracted opera lovers from around the world. But when the boom times left Manaus, so did opera. The theater was almost silent from 1907 until 1990. That's when an ambitious renovation ended which restored Teatro Amazonas to its past glory. But today, the fat lady stopped singing again. The Contessa, that swanky silent of sneak, swept in, set her sights, and then swooped down. A smoky cloud provided a shroud while she tied up the Teatro. Now she's hidden it in a secret location where she listens to her very own opera, "The Contessa Cantata." Gumshoes, I'm declaring today's case...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...A DISASTER ARIA!

Contessa, go to a mountainous country on the Adriatic Sea. Until recently, brutal dictators kept it one of the most isolated nations on earth.

Carmen, darling I can get isolation in prison! Don't you have a more inspired chore?

You want inspiration? Then, learn about Besa. When people in this country give their word, their Besa, they do almost anything not to break it.

Oh, honesty is so boring. Surely there is something for me to do.

Well, the country does have some of the world's largest Chromite deposits. You can kill time checking out your reflection.

Chief

(at the end of the 1st round) And our ACME Voice Identification Badge and Leave A Message Wallet. (opens it up, revealing an image of the Contessa) It's our secret weapon in a fight against Carmen and her gang, right? (presses a button)

Chief

(on recorder) Right. Well, sorta.

Chief

Sorta-- Sorta?! Oh, I'm not paying you to say sorta! Greg!

(as he, the Chief, and the gumshoes prepare for departure to Honshu Island, Japan) Work. Okay, guys, time for us to go off--

Chief

Greg, would you please take that jacket to the cleaners?! That ketchup stain's been on there since last season.

She does have a point. You guys ready to go? We're goin' to Sado. Come on. Grab the hat. Out the door. Somebody grab me! I got the Chief! We're goin' to Sado.

(while traveling) Well, Chief, I did it. I rounded up a posse.

Chief

Next time, Greg, uh, let's try it with live horses.

Prison life is so uncivilized! 600 cells and not a room service menu in sight! Tell Carmen this is more than I can bear. She went to North America.

These prison clothes offend my unique sense of fashion. Isn't my right to wear plaid in the Constitution? Carmen is in (Continent). Tell her to get me a lawyer.

Know why they call me Wonder Rat? 'Cause it's a wonder that I'd rat on my own boss. (giggles) Carmen scooted to (Continent). Go get her.

I just got back from the prison laundry, and they mixed colors and whites in the same wash! (cries) I can't stand it anymore! Go find Carmen in (Continent). Tell her to help me.

A virus has infected my system software. It causes me to divulge Carmen's location. You'll find her in (Continent). Please, don't say that I sent you.

Prison sports are really fun. I get used as a frisbee, a dartboard, and a second base. Carmen should see me play, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

Aw, man! This prison life is bogus. The guards just confiscated my tattoos. Carmen's gotta spring me, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

This prison food is so dreadfully boring, I can't even get a jar of Grey Poupon. Maybe Carmen could help, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

We were partners in crime. We should be cellmates in jail, but the warden wants to split up this dream team. Carmen's laying low in (Continent). Tell her she's gotta help.

(coughs) Prison life is so disgusting, I can't believe I have to live in a place this clean. (coughs) Carmen's hiding in (Continent). (snorts) Go tell her to spring me. (sneezes)

I thought maybe I take some classes while I was in jail, but the warden says they don't have a nursery school. I need Carmen to help me, but she's in (Continent). Go get her.