“The Quick and the Wed” quotes from Veronica Mars

Veronica!

Veronica

Hey, party girl.

I need your help.

Veronica

Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

Logan

So, you want me to come over after school?

The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

Logan

Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

Logan

Whatever will I wear?

The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

Logan

I'm not interested.

You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

Logan

[incredulous] Two years?

Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.

Logan

Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan

Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

Logan

No deal.

Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Veronica

I had the printers forego the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting.

[in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?

Kendall

I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.

Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?

Kendall

Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.

So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?

Kendall

My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?

Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

Kendall

Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Where have you been?

We have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. [to priest] Lay it on me, preacher man.

Uh, I demand to know what you've been up to.

I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.

You were entitled? You - the one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have gotten a nipple pierced.

How can you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singer, yes. Maybe the occasional guitar player...

Kendall

And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

Logan

I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.