Jonah Ryan quotes from Veep

Dan

You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.

Jonah

Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.

Dan

Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Jonah

Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!

Richard

I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."

Dan

Not if we shorten it to "Dick."

Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"

Dan

Uh, no. No, ma'am.

Amy

No. That doesn't ring a bell.

So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"

Dan

Not to my knowledge.

Jonah

I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.

Mr. Rakes

In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.

Dan

I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.

Mr. Rakes

Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"

Jonah

Do we have to go through all of these?

I'm not sure that I see the relevance.

Mr. Rakes

The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.

Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.

Mr. Rakes

"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."

Jonah

My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.

Jonah

You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.

Dan

The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...

Jonah

Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?

Jeff

No, I want you to run.

Jonah

You want me to run his campaign?

Jeff

No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?

Jonah

Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!

Jeff

This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.

Jonah

Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

Jeff

Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.

Jonah

Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.

Jeff

Can I talk to you down here just a minute?

Jonah

[leaning forward] Yeah.

Jeff

Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance, and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage! Now, do you or do you not understand me?!

Jonah

[meekly] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Jonah

Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here. You know, hire some hot interns.

Richard

Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.

Jonah

No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."

Furlong

Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district is? I'll give you a hint: It looks like Will's wife's clit.

Jonah

Mangoes?

Furlong

No. Tell him, Will.

Will

Green beans.

Furlong

That's why I spent two months jamming them into that lunch bill... like what, Will?

Will

Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock down my throat in a public restroom well known for that purpose.

Kent

In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant table, food, and tie will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.

Ben

Jesus, Kent! He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, little chit chat, couple, three drinks, standard HJ in the cab home, and a year later he's a father. Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

Jonah

You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl in a laundromat. For someone with broken English, she was real uppity.

Kent

There's your answer.

Ben

Carry on.

Ben

Get up.

Jonah

What?

Kent

Give me that fork.

Jonah

What gives?

Kent

Fundraising laws. No silverware.

Ben

Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!

Jonah

You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.

Kent

You play with the paella?

Furlong

Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

I'm coming too.

Furlong

Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Ben

Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.

Furlong

[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!

Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.

Jonah

Wait, what? We are?

There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Jonah

Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?

Furlong

Everyone was, unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

Jonah

Well, I wasn't invited.

Furlong

I know.

Jeff

Hello, Jonie.

Jonah

Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.

Jeff

Now, why do you think I'm here?

Jonah

To wish me a speedy recovery?

Jeff

No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...

Jonah

Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.

...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.

Jonah

Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--

Jeff

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!

Uh, you can't talk to him like that!

Jeff

[imitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?

Jonah

That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Jonah!

Jonah

Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!

Jeff

Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?

That's right. He's my father.

Jeff

Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...

Thank you.

Jeff

...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra

Jonah

What?!

Jeff

Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.

Teddy

Apparently, there has been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.

Jonah

OK, well, that could be anybody.

Richard

Sounds like you.

Teddy

Jonah, who have you traumatised? And start with the doctor who delivered you.

Jonah

I haven't traumatised anyone!

Richard

Well, there's your aide, Emma Gray.

Jonah

Shnozz? She's stuck up - I was just calling her on it.

Richard

Councilwomen Troy and Desconi.

Jonah

Monster Tits and Monster Tits Junior? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they have bras big enough to handle all that meat.

Richard

At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.

Jonah

Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man, too, Teddy.

Teddy

OK, listen Jonah, if anyone asks, just tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about, and believe me, nobody checks.

Teddy

Jonah, we focused tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.

Jonah

Hey, I don't see vagina color.

Jonah

There are some—I know, I know—there are a lot of people out there saying that I shouldn't be president. The NEA, the AMA, the AFL-CIO, the UCLA. And you know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence, or the tentriment to be president? My very own campaign staff. Yeah. They have been working against me, trying to stop me from being president. Yeah. No that's right, you can boo 'em, go ahead. [people start booing] Go ahead, boo, yeah. That is my campaign chair Amy Brookheimer—she recently had an abortion! That is my chief strategist Teddy Sykes. He is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated! And this—and that guy right there, that's . . . Eric something?

Bill

[incredulous] Bill Ericsson!

Jonah

That's Eric Bill Ericsson and I don't exactly know what his title is, but he thinks he's better than me, and he thinks he's better than everyone in this room. And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather—

Teddy

Father-in-law!

Jonah

From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was invented by Muslims . . . [people gasp] Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math . . . to children. These math teachers are terrorists! Algebra? More like Al Jazeera! Under a Ryan Presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children! There will be no more math. No more math! No more math! No more math! [people start chanting; Jonah accidentally punches his wife whilst fist-pumping] No—are you—she's fine!