Jonah Ryan quotes from Veep

Jonah

POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!

Selina

Oh, for fuck's sakes...

Mike

This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.

Jonah

Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.

Jonah

Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.

Selina

Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.

Kent

I cook these noodles every day.

Jonah

Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Kent glares] I will leave.

Kent

They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like...a lady's hair in the rain.

Amy

Why are we talking about noodles?

Ben

No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

Kent

I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.

Amy

So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?

Kent

Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... [snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]

Ben

...You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

Dan

What's the whole not-drinking thing?

I'm a Quaker.

Jonah

What?

Dan

Bullshit! No one's a fucking Quaker.

Jonah

You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.

Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

Selina

Go fuck yourself, Jonah.

Jonah

But ma'am, I'm G8 advanced team!

Selina

Go, period. Fuck, period. Yourself, exclamation point!

Jonah

Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! Somebody order boom service? As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?

Amy

Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to an invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.

Mike

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Dan

Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

Jonah

There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?

Amy

Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.

Selina

Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.

Jonah

But, ma'am—

Selina

You need to fuck off.

Jonah

But, ma'am—

Selina

I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.

Jonah

Yes, ma'am.

Jonah

Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.

Selina

Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.

Jonah

Okay.

Selina

You like to have sex and you like to travel?

Jonah

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Then you can fuck off.

Jonah

Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.

Dan

Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?

Jonah

It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

Dan

You don't think maybe you should take that down?

Jonah

You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Jonah

Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...

Kent

You're embarrassing yourself.

Jonah

Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.

Dan

He really doesn't.

Jonah

See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan...(angrily): Fuck you, Dan!

Kent

That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.

Jonah

Sir, did POTUS okay this?

Kent

Get him out of here!

Right, so unelected... loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President and he says that fat people——no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life!

Jonah

Yeah. Do you know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people, that's all we have! All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds!

Well we've got fat kids here—well I've got a fat kid, I don't see her very often but that's er, she's um... Right, we'll ambush the Vice President, we'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.

Jonah

Seriously?

[nonchalantly] Yeah.

Jonah

Oh, my God! You guys are fucking brutal!

This calls for a celebration. Come on, I'll get you the first pint at least.

Jonah

I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.

Well, can your DC friends help?

Jonah

I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.

Jonah

Dan! What the fuck is this?

Dan

What are you talking about?

Jonah

You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.

Dan

Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.

Jonah

I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.

Dan

Ooh, wow.

Jonah

There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.

Dan

The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?

Jonah

No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.

Oh wow, that is tough.

Jonah

I want a new deal. I want to get closer to the action. I'm like a boom-op on a porno shoot right now!

Dan

I'm sorry, man, but I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the President. Security risk.

Dan

Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.

Jonah

What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Dan

Is there a choice?

Jonah

I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.

Dan

Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?

Jonah

Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.

Dan

No. That, that's impossible.

Jonah

Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a go-fer, a servant.

Dan

Oh, you want a Jonah?

Jonah

Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.

Dan

[looking at phone] Shit! I gotta go.

Jonah

You know what? They should be called Dans.