Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

So what's the plan?

Jake

I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Charlie

Ok uh, is that the entire plan?

Jake

No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Charlie

Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Charlie

You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Jake

Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake

I miss Celeste.

Charlie

I miss Chelsea.

Alan

I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Charlie

Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

Charlie

I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

Jake

You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.

Charlie

An orgy requires a minimum of six people.

Alan

What?

Charlie

It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.

Charlie

What the hell were they doing in the mailbox?!

Berta

I dunno; but there's postage on 'em.

Charlie

Well I clearly had a plan at SOME point...

Alan

...Yours?

Charlie

Alan, she's, like, 16.

Alan

Again I ask, hoping I won't be called to testify...yours?

Charlie

No! She's coming from Jake's room.

Alan

Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room at 7 in the morning?

Charlie

Why do you think??

Alan

Oh, come on, he's 16!

Charlie

Not everybody waits until they're a junior in college, Alan.

Alan

Sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.

Charlie

I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?

Judith

Just try to hit the bowl this time.

Charlie

Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking. [takes a swig of beer]

Alan

[leaving through the front door] I'll wait in the car.

Charlie

Hey, Judith, is there surfing around here?

Judith

What're you talking about? We're 20 miles from the beach.

Charlie

That's what I thought...I'm so proud of that kid!

Courtney

Hi, Charlie.

Charlie

Courtney? I thought you were in prison.

Courtney

I was, but I'm out now. Wanna go to Vegas?

Charlie

Are you kidding? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.

Courtney

I haven't had sex in three years.

Charlie

Bye, everybody.

Charlie

I mean, I did what I did for love. Am I really that bad of a guy?

You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. You broke that poor girl's heart. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. You should've told the truth right from the start. But my intentions were good. I was no slave to my wood. I wanted her to love me for me. He does have lots of riches, which attracts a lot of bitches. Thank you, Alan, but you'll never be on "Glee." Aw, crap. If I may throw in my two cents, your love was based on a pretense. Your relationship with mother is to blame. You didn't suckle on her boobies, you self-medicate with doobies, which explains why you used a made-up name. Cue da refrain. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. Everything you said was a lie. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. But you're still a really, really handsome guy. Thank you. Then what am I to do? So I don't always live with you. Wow, that hurts my feelings, but since I live there beneath your ceilings, I'll bite the pillow like the prison bitches do. Oooh! If she gives me one more chance, we can have a real romance. If she doesn't, we can party in my pants. 'Scuse me, no disrespect, but I have to interject, what makes you think you can steal the show? 'Cause I'm gay! Oh, you're so clearly from L.A. Yeah, I'm gay. And he will always be that way. I'm gay. Or as his Jersey friends would say: A-yo, badda bing, he's a big ol' 'mo. 'Scuse me, but we seem to be digressing, and I find it to be quite distressing. Can we sing about the problem that's at hand? Can Kate get over Sam and love who I am? You confuse me for someone who gives a damn. So bottom line, you're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. And I'll die sad and alone. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. (Ring!) Hold it, everybody, that's my phone. Hello? Kate? You're a douche. (Click!) Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche-y, douche, douche, douche. Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche-y, douche, douche, oooh, you're a douche... you're a dou- You couldn't say it meaner. I'm a big vagina cleaner. Didn't do what I oughta. I'm vinegar and water. On this we all agree. Oh yes, we all agree. Oh good, you finally see, to shining sea. Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche! Drum roll... You're a douche, you're a douche, just a big, fizzy douche. And that's all I'll ever be. You're a douche, you're a douche, you're a big, fizzy douche. And that's all you'll ever be. Douche!