Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?

Alan

Oh God, yes.

Alan

I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?

Charlie

Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Charlie

Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?

Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake

I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan

Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan

Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan

I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake

You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie

Yes, but not your own.

Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]

Charlie

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Charlie

Why do you keep staring at me?

Berta

I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.

You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!

Charlie

Yeah, my bad. So what's new?

Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.

Charlie

Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.

And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Charlie

Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.

Jake

Have you considered an athletic supporter?

Charlie

Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.

You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!

Charlie

Righto, bye.

Jake

We didn't pay for the jockstrap.

Alan

Just keep walking.

[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

Jake

He drinks.

Charlie

Why are you looking at me like that?

Berta

I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.

Jake

Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.

Alan

They're fighting?

Jake

Yep. Thirty-one.

Charlie

Thirty-one?

Jake

It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?

Charlie

I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

Herb

Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?

Charlie

Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.

Herb

Well, it worked out great.

Charlie

Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?

Herb

No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.

Charlie

Is that so?

Herb

Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?

Alan

We need to get rid of the staple gun.

Charlie

Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

Herb

Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.

Charlie

Yeah.

Herb

The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.

Charlie

Uh-huh.

Herb

Whatever happened to pubic hair?

Charlie

Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.

Herb

I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.

Charlie

I don't have an answer for you, Herb.

Herb

What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?

Charlie

Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.

Charlie

Wait in the car.

Jake

Give me the keys.

Charlie

No!

Jake

Then how will I wait in the car?

Charlie

Wait by the car.

Jake

I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair skinned.

Charlie

Then wait under the car.

Charlie

Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!

Alan

Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.

Charlie

What?

Alan

The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.

Jake

What are you talking about?

Alan

Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.

Jake

Sounds lame.

Alan

Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.

Charlie

She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

Alan

Judith's changed, Charlie. She's...she's a different woman.

Charlie

Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

Alan

That's a little graphic, don't you think?

Charlie

I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

Alan

You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!