Randy quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Ricky

Here's a little piece of hash. Go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.

Randy

I can't get stoned, Ricky

Ricky

What do you mean? It's shitty work. Everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun. Get to work.

Julian

You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?

Randy

Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky

You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect: assistant trailer park supervisor.

Julian

[laughs drunkenly] Assistant.

Ricky

That's right, buddy. 4,600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straighten all the shit out, man, things are gonna be cool.

Randy

Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!

Bubbles

Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky

How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy

Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky

No, Barb made these for me.

Randy

I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!

Ricky

Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.

Ricky

Fuck off, Randy!

Randy

Fuck you!

Ricky

You get the fuckin' chicken chips-

Ricky

Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back, you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

Ricky

Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy

IT'S MINE!

Jim

Smokey!

Ricky

[in pain] FUCK! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian

What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky

I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Jim

Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky

Jesus Christ!

Randy

Do what?

Jim

What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy

I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky

Is that a fuckin' bow and...you fuckin' shot me!

Jim

It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky

I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian

Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky

That doesn't even make sense, Julian.

Julian

It's even, Ricky.

Ricky

I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles

Hold still, Ricky.

Julian

Get outta here!

Randy

Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky

I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian

Rick, go home!

Ricky

[to Randy] Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles

Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy

Yeah.

Bubbles

Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Jim

We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky

What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... [throws Lahey's bow over the fence] Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? [lights a cigarette] You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Jim

You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss, realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him, and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy

Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky

What does it mean, then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy

I understand it.

Ricky

Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! [pushes Lahey into the car] Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! [throws a net on Randy] And take your little net with you! [pushes Randy into the car]

Randy

Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky

Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! [slams the car door]

Jim

Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? [Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper] Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy

Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

Jim

That's for fire, Randy!

Randy

Hey, do you like to party?

Barb

Excuse me?

Randy

Do you like to party?

Barb

Oh my God, Randal? Are you a male prostitute?

Randy

Barb Lahey?

Barb

You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!

Randy

No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.

Barb

Randal...

Randy

Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.

Barb

Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy

Simon?

Barb

No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while, just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Jim

Staying with us...

Barb

Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church. You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.

Randy

Simon, you're married?!

Jim

Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

Ray

Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and 11:15? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy

Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray.

Ray

Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk, and he always will be!

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Randy.

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Let it go, Randy!

Randy

It's vodka!

Jim

131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Jim

Randy, I got $100 here for groceries, I got $1,400 here for liquor, and I got $6,000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta make em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us, Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.

Randy

Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.

Jim

Wouldn't that be nice?

Randy

Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.

Jim

Exactly, Randy.

Randy

Mr. Lahey, is this you talking, or the liquor?

Jim

Randy...

Jim

I am the liquor.

Jim

Feel that?

Randy

Feel what, Mr. Lahey?

Jim

The way the shit clings to the air, Randy.

Randy

Shit clings to the air?

Jim

It's already started, my dear good friend.

Randy

What started, Mr. Lahey?

Jim

The shit blizzard. [takes a huge sip out of his liquor bottle]

Barb.

Barb

Hi, Sam.

Hey Randy, do you wanna sign this so I can get started, please?

Randy

Sign what?

It's a purchase order.

Randy

Purchase order for what?

To pave the park.

Randy

I didn't call to have the park paved.

I got an emergency call to get down here and pave the park right away. Sign it so I can get started.

Randy

I didn't do it, Sam. I didn't call ya.

Fuck, there's your name, Randy Bo Bandy. Now sign it so I can get started.

Barb

He said he didn't call, Sam!

Randy

Bo Bandy? I didn't call. I didn't call.

Once I start that truck, I'm on the fucking clock, okay? So sign it so I can get started.

Randy

I'm not signing shit! Why don't you go back and pave your cave, ya fuckin' caveman?

The fuck did you call me?

Barb

Well...you are a caveman, Sam.

Randy

Yeah, a fuckin' caveman!

Listen Burger Boy, you fuckin' pay me right now! You pay me right now! You fuckin' pay me right now!

Barb

Randy! Sam! Sam! Randy!

Alright. You guys are under arrest for breach of the peace.

Motherfuckers, every time I come down here!

Randy

Ted, it's not my fault!

I gotta deal with you here, Randy.

Randy

Ted, this is bullshit! I was just trying to have a nice cheeseburger picnic and it got all fucked up! SON OF A BITCH! FOR FUCK'S SAKES! THIS IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!

Randy

Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!

Randy

It's not funny, Barb! [punches the wall]

Jim

Randy.

Barb

Randy!

Randy

BALLS! My best pants! [punches the wall again]

Randy!

Randy

This is fuckin'! [punches the wall again]

Barb

Randy!

Randy!

Lucy

The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.

Sarah

Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.

Randy

They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!

Sarah

Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.

Sarah

Randy!

Randy

Sorry, Sarah.

Ricky

[from outside] Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Barb

So what do you wanna talk about, Randy? Or do you need to be high first?

Randy

There's no real easy way of saying this... I fucked up.

Barb

What are you talking about?

Randy

Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her up...no big deal.

Barb

Oh my God, that was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?

Jim

You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!

Barb

So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you? Or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?

Randy

Look, you guys have a good time dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.

Jim

They're fantastic, Barb.