[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]
JulianI'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]
You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree.
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet. Julian helps him pick them up.]
I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.
Julian
You fucked up big time.
[Alex Lifeson flips Ricky off as the cab drives away, and Ricky flips him off back]
Julian
Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.
Julian
No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?
Julian, look. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?
[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]
This is fucked up, Julian.
Julian
Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.
This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!
Julian
You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?
Julian
Get down there. You want me to go next?
Please. What if something gets me?
Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!
[Julian lifts up a grate]
We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?
Julian
Shh!
Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.
No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.
[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]
How did you idiots get in here?!
Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!
See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]
Randy doesn't wear shirts!
[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]
[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.
[The guards drag the boys away]
[The boys get out of the cab]
Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!
Julian
Boys, it wasn't that bad.
Julian, I'm collecting paperwork, and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian, like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.
Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?
Julian
Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.
Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?
Julian
No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man, there's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.
Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me, shitty this and shitty that!
Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on. My treat?
Julian
All right, all right!
And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?
Julian
Okay, thank you!
Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.
DDVS
Fo' sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.
Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.
Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!
Oh, so now I'm like, "You got my whip," you know what I'm sayin', "But I ain't got no chicken!"
How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?
Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?
No, Barb made these for me.
I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!
Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.
[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]
You get the fuckin' chicken chips-
[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]
Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back, you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!
[Jim sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]
Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!
[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy. Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]
[in pain] FUCK! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!
[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]
Julian
What are you doing?! Give me that!
I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!
Randy, how could you do that?
What you were doing with Ricky?
I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.
Is that a fuckin' bow and...you fuckin' shot me!
It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.
I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!
Julian
Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.
That doesn't even make sense, Julian.
Julian
It's even, Ricky.
I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!
[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]
Ricky AGHHHH!!! FUUUCK!!!
Julian
Get outta here!
[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]
Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!
I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!
Julian
Rick, go home!
[to Randy] Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!
Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!
Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.
Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?
Julian
Massage.
Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit?
Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.
Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.
Julian
We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna rent them out by the hour.
That's really fuckin' greasy.
Julian
Yeah, it's greasy.
Julian
What do you think, Bubs?
Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.
DDVS
They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.
What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.
Julian
All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.
DDVS
I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here with the hos, homie.
It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos.
Julian
J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?
Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Julian
Cyrus?!
What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?
Well, well, well. If it isn't the big, tough Julianne. The Hubble Bubble Telescope. And Helmet Head.
Fuckin' call me a telescope.
Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dick weeds. (pulls a gun)
Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?
[chambers a round] Why don't we fuck on?
[walks out of the trailer] Julian, where's the hand cream?
[takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand] I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.
[points his gun towards the Roc Pile] Fuck off! [points to his car, which has been vandalized with graffiti] And what's this, "I'm a fuckhead"? Huh?
Actually, it says "I'm fucked in the head," 'cause you are.
Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.
I don't fucking know. They went home two hours ago. They told me.
Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!
[talking to his cats] Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy. There's just so many of you around right now, and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. [sighs]
[upon arriving at Bubbles' shed] Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.
[Bubbles moans]
Julian
Shh. Listen.
[Bubbles does a distressed moan]
What the fuck's he doing in there?
[The door flings open and hits Ricky in the face]
Oh my God, what happened?
Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!
Julian
Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!
No, it's not that bad, Julian!
Julian
No, no, no, no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here.
I can get 'er out, it's no pr--
Julian
No, open up. Let me take a look.
Julian
Let me take a look! Open up!
Julian
Bubbles, open up!
[Bubbles opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning]
Julian
Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.
No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!
You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles! You gotta go!
But boys, I had Conky with me that time.
Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!
Julian
Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! I got something for you!
Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!
I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.
Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!
Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. [turns his attention back to the puppet] If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.
Julian
No, no, no. [pulls Ricky aside] Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma!
What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.
Julian
No, no, no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!
What's it like in a coma?
Julian
Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital?
Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?
Well, I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Rickyyyyy! [disturbed giggle]
Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.
Julian
Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.
No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.
NNurse
I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?
Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?
NNurse
And what is your problem, sir?
Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?
And she's fucked in the head.
He needs a brain transplant.
[grasps Conky by his throat] I'm serious. You better fuck off.
Julian
[moves Ricky's hand away from Conky] Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.
NNurse
Washington, hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.
Julian
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?
Julian
Ricky.
[punches Conky in the face] Stop fucking looking at me, Conky!
NNurse
What is the gentleman's first name?
Julian
Bubbles.
NNurse
And what is his last name?
Julian
Uh...just Bubbles.
Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.
NNurse
Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?
Julian
[points to Bubbles] He lives in my shed. [points to Ricky] Ricky lives in his car.
NNurse
Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?
I do have one last bit of information for ya. [sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand] This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?
[the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk]
Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!
Julian
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car! You won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?
[the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital]
OOrderly
Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers!
Frig off, Washington. [to Ricky and Julian] Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!
Conky, please, just don't taunt.
Julian
Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?
[pissing on the side of the hospital] Who can go fuck whose self?! No, you fuck off, you little fucker!
Julian
Rick, who the hell are you talking to?
Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off!
Ricky, you're hallucinating!
Julian
[pulls Ricky away from the wall] Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!
Well, you pulled me away!
Julian
Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
