[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]
Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!
Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh?
All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.
[singing] He's the fuckin' man they call...
JulianDon't say it, Bubbles.
That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. [whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face]
Julian
Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.
Julian
Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.
I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.
Julian
Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.
[Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand]
Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used...Patrick...Swayze.
Julian
That's not funny, Bubbles.
[singing] Oh, my Julian, my handsome Julian- Patrick Swayze, [Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face] you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancin.
[Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles]
Oh my God! Julian, what happened?
Julian
[hugs Bubbles] Sorry, buddy. You were going crazy on us, man.
SSam
Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.
Julian
All right boys, let's dump him in.
Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?
No way, bad idea, Bubbles.
Julian
Come on, Bubs, let's go.
[tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp[;; Fuck you, Conky.
[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]
Julian
Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.
You little fucker. Okay, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock and choke him out.
Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.
He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this. I know kitties.
Ricky, it's rabies, with a "B", not radies. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See? He's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! [pets the mountain lion] Who's a good boy?
Julian
Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go, right? Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free"?
I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.
This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but...I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there, "Steve", or whatever the fuck your name is?
Shit abyss. I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.
Julian
Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.
What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?
Julian
Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?
Julian
Well, there's one there, and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.
Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.
Julian
Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!
Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...
Julian
What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!
You want one of these ones, er...
Julian
Just grab a fuckin' tree!
Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!
You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! Goddamn fuckin' nerds!
Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.
Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!
Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.
Julian
Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church.
I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going.
Dad, I gotta sell my dope...
Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.
TTerry
Don't point the fucking gun at me!
DDennis
Put the fucking guns down!
[As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally points the gun at Obaa-Chan as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of (or ignoring) what's going on]
DDennis
Don't point the gun at my grandmother!
Julian
I'm just taking a look at it!
[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]
What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!
No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!
[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]
Julian
Drinks, boys! Drinks!
[Ricky takes the dog dish]
Well, let's make toast, boys!
Julian
To a good fuckin' time today.
This is a good time! [takes a drink] I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys, then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!
Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Julian
Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
[sighs] Breaker, breaker, come in, Earth. This is rocketship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that, buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!
Dartmouth Regional Vacational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we weren't going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vacational school.
Julian
Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.
Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta...fuck.
Julian
Rick, Rick, Rick.
I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.
Julian
This is the perfect place to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.
You'll do alright, Ricky.
Julian
Think about this. Think about your daughter. Think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man. Come on, let's go.
Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7. Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fuck sakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big smart thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break into the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honor Lee system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good. Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. Think about it, I'm stupid.
Julian
Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one reason, and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.
There's two ways to look at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs. And Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.
Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?
Julian
What's wrong with reading books?
Nothing wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts. It's the Bible. It says to help your friends.
Julian
Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?
It's open to interpretation, Julian. It's the Bible.
What if we drove down midnight pass road?
No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.
What the fuck? Do one of you idiots mind telling why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20?
Yeah, we had to move 10 off.
Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load!
Julian
Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.
What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?
Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.
What did you just say to me?
I'm not gonna say "who's there", man.
You just did, you fuckin' idiot.
[Ricky rips Trevor's pants]
[Julian gets out of the car]
Julian
Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money, or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, huh? Apologize to him!
I'm not apologizing to him.
Julian
Cory, move. Apologize to him.
I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.
It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.
Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?
Julian
Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money, and here's twenty for a new pair of pants.
Julian
Alright, no speeding. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.
Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.
I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.
I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.
Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.
Julian
I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.
We dressed up as people from Star Wars, and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as, Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something, but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.
Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids, but he was still drivin' liquor into him.
Julian
Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.
Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one. It was probably Julian, but I think it was Bubbles, said, "Let's go mess around with his cop car over here."
Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.
They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.
Put it out of gear and off it went, and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would, and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, now we did it."
And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor, 'cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse, and liquor spilled all over his crotch.
Julian
Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.
He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.
He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk, and as they started arguing, all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.
It came down to two choices, and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they--they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.
Julian
He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.
Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then, and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
