[Outside the supermarket, the boys are frantically loading their looted groceries into their truck. Police sirens can be heard in the distance.]
JulianLet's go, let's go! Everybody out!
Aw shit. [picks up a bag of chips]
I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.
Julian
Get in the truck, Ricky!
[Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck]
Julian
Come on, move!
Retarded. What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!
I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.
I have to get the cart in!
Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!
Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!
Julian
Leave the cart!
[Ricky throws the cart away]
Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!
Julian
Get in!
You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are FUCKIN' DUMB!
Julian
Ricky, would you calm down?
No, I'm not gonna calm down, Julian!
Julian
Calm down!
I'm pissed off! [points to Bubbles] I'm pissed off at you, [points to Cory and Trevor] and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!
Julian
Ricky.
Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.
I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!
Julian
Ricky! Would you--
I'm gettin' married tomorrow!
Julian
Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!
[crying] Can everyone just please stop it?
Julian
Oh, look what--You're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!
I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.
[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]
Julian
What are you guys doing?
Yeah, man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.
You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.
And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.
He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.
Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.
[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers and throws the sign]
Julian
I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.
[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]
Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?
Julian
Come on. This is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.
Julian
Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.
That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either, 'til you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.
[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]
Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian, what's this bullshit?! Fuck.
[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]
Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!
Julian
Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.
Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!
Randy, come back here for a second.
Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.
Gummiworms. Okay. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
[Julian nods "no"]
Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Julian
Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.
Jalapeno? What flavor is that?
Julian
Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.
The "J" is like an "H", Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."
What in the fuck are you guys talking about?
Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.
I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!
Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview right now with a warrant.
Julian
What are you talking about, Lahey?
You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.
This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.
Great guys, what are we gonna do now?
I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?
Julian
Meeting inside, let's go!
He's drunk. I don't fucking know.
Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?
Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now.
Julian
It's alright, man.
What time is it, Bubbles?
[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]
Ricky, you can't fucking light up in the bank!
I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!
Julian
Ricky, calm down.
Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shopping. We need some gifts, come on.
Julian
Ricky, we're gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.
Julian
You got it?
Fuck investments, Julian.
Julian
Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.
I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.
Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fucking money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.
Julian
Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money?
Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35? I thought we were fucking retired!
Julian
Calm down.
I grew the fucking dope! It's my fucking money!
You can't scream "dope" out in the bank.
Dope, dope, dope-itty fucking dope, dope!
Julian
Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.
Julian
I can explain this.
Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fucking cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!
Everybody calm down! We're leaving!
Julian
So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Julian
What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.
SSaleswoman
Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.
Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
SSaleswoman
Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
What? For a bunch of fucking books?
SSaleswoman
Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]
Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!
My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Ricky, you did the right thing.
Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.
[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.
Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]
Make it a quick one, Ricky!
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]
I can't believe he did that!
[Ricky spits]
I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?
Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Julian
Leave him alone.
A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation.
Julian
Putting you in an awkwardly situation?
Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.
Julian
Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!
Hoy are you doing? What's going on?
Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?
LLinda
Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?
Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.
[Inside J-Roc's trailer, where rap music plays]
LLinda
Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! [opens the door]
LLinda
Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!
[turns off the music] Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you know 'm sayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!
Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!
Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?
I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!
Changed my ass, you fuckin'...
You non-knockin' muthafuckas!
It wasn't that fucked, you know 'm sayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?
Julian
Listen man, I got some good news for ya. Get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.
Aight. [Pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with] Peace, Bub.
You muhfuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?
[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]
Julian, what the hell's this shit?
Julian
Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?
So I guess you two can fuck off!
Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!
So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?
Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.
You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!
Get the fuck out of here!
You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!
The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!
[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]
Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!
You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]
Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.
[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]
What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!
Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
Julian
All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
Julian
I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
Julian
I think I can get us some dope, man.
Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up and Ricky gives him money. The cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky.]
Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.
Julian
Hey, buddy.
Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
Julian
He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Julian
Ricky. Ricky. This. You're from Rush.
Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J...ah, Gord, uh, Downie. This is Alex. Hey, play "I Like to Rock".
Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.
[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]
Julian
Ricky, what's he doing here?
I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.
Julian
You kidnapped him, Ricky.
Julian
You don't borrow people.
It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.
Julian
You were--alright, can you stop playing this just for a second? Alright. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna untie you, and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?
You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
