[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]
Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!
The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
One of our enemies is invisible!
And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!
His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!
Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.
How many you have fathers? Show of hands.
[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]
Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!
K Kid
My daddy died. While I was sleeping.
Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!
[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]
I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.
[On the tram ride...]
We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, "Hi, buddy!"
B Boys
(doing so) Hi, buddy!
If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!
[Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are confronted by a giant gorilla...]
Don't move! They can smell fear...
[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla...]
I jettisoned the hand and got away, but...I wasn't alone in there. (holding up a child's shoe) We lost one!
Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!
Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!
Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy?
(gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make 'im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?
Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...
We can take out his tongue..
(with relish) With a knife!
(with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!
(with greater relish) Fucking knife!
(a touch uneasy ) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.
Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.
(She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts )
(leering at her breasts ) I like yer new costume, mum...
(also leering ) I like huggin you in your new costume....
(Pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back )
Ok you two. Time to stop...
(Dr. Jonas Venture greets Col. Gentleman and his wife at the door.)
Col. Fun has arrived! (taking the drink from Jonas's hand) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it's got herpes!
Q Ms. Quymn
Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in...
Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)
More like Ms. Bollocks-Buster. If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth!
Q Ms. Quymn
Try me. [Col. Gentleman kisses her on the cheek]]
Hank, are you listening to me?
Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.
Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!
Well then we should team up. With the girls!
We can't! They're ... they're suspects.
Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?
What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'
[Dr. Venture and Dr. Quymn are about to make love.]
Looks like I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I'd be a multi-millionaire!
Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!
V Dr. Venture
She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!
We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over )
The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away )
G Ginnie
Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.
Q Dr Quymn
...Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal Fertility Idols from irritable headhunters.
Oh, that... I’ve been researching alternative cures for impotence... not for me, of course.
Q Dr Quymn
Have you not tried Viagra?
It makes me... my customers; headaches, nausea, dyspepsia and/or diarrhea. Anyway, enough shop-talk, how have you’ve been?
There was even talk of french toast! But there was none to be had.
O Dr.Orpheus
I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.
Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?
Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)
O Dr.Orpheus
No, its because you soiled yourself...and he's gay [disappears in smoke]
I am not diggin' this "Charlie's Angels" crap.
At least they got an intercom. What do we get!?
Damn it, Orpheus! I almost had that bloodsucker. Aww, now I got the blue balls in my blood eye.
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
