[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.
Oh, shit.
What?
She's an actress.
Who?
Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."
[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]
Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...
Should I pause it?
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.
[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]
Glenn?
What?
I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?
What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?
She's an actress.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.
Are you sure?
I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!
Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –
[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]
Yes. Yeah, I do know.
What, who said what wasn't what?
[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!
[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]
[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?
[to Glenn] What is it?
Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!
Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –
Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!
[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?
[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]
[still whispering] Shit! Shit!
[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]
It's not real!
I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.
Why didn't you say anything?
I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.
What a stupid thing to...
[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]
Fuck! Fuck!
[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]
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