Did you say we were gonna do a press release?
Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"
Dan MillerHow are you, Glenn?
I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
Dan Miller
Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
Dan
So, your loyalty to Nicola is –
Unwavering. Right up to the point that –
Dan
Someone challenges her?
Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.
Dan
So you think – I should challenge her?
What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
Dan
Yes.
Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
Malcolm (entering Ben's office): Oh, here she is. Pippa Middleton, trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?
Dan
Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.
I don't want it. I want Chancellor.
Malcolm (surprised): Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?
Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.
Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?
What, you're a PPE-er guy?
No, History of Art, but –
Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?
Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so it's over. The fat lady's singing.
No she's not. The fat man from the GoCompare adverts is talking.
This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!
Dan
Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.
Oh, Chumba-fucking-wamba! Then I resign on the dotted line.
Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.
Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?
Dan
No, no.
(Ben leaves)
Dan
No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in The Wurzels, because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.
Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?
Dan
That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.
Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?
(Dan nods and smiles.)
Dan
Should we get Ben?
Oh, he'll be back. Like the shit Terminator. (Ben returns) There he is.
I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.
How many followers have you got?
Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)
And here he is, the anointed one!
(Malcolm leads the room in applause)
Dan
Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.
Malcolm (to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival): Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; blind man's crumpet's on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking Anne Robinson, right? The look we're going for should be solemn respect: you know, like blokes modelling underpants.
(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)
This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
Dan
(unmoved) An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. (chuckling) Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
Dan
But you only beat me on a technicality.
Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, (Dan nods) you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – (Malcolm enters) Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)
You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck you. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in Grazia.
Dan
Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
(to Nicola) Come on, let's go.
Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent.
Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. There's your golden handshake.
(to Malcolm) We'll see. (to Dan) Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" (pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign) Illiterate fuckers.
(At Lewisham Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)
Dan
Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've Apollo 13'd it.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
