(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)
GlennI'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.
The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)
(the show's producer, to Glenn) Out!
Glenn
Alright!
Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.
(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)
Glenn
Malcolm?
Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
Glenn
Wh– What?
Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
Glenn
Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.
(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)
Glenn
What?
For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did?
Glenn
(smiling mockingly) I see.
It was a joke about my sexual prowess.
(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.
What the fuck's going on?
(Emma's cell phone rings.)
Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later.
Glenn
(to Ollie) So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there?
(Meanwhile, in the green room...)
(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?
(to Phil) What's he talking about?
(to Emma) I thought he knew.
(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!
Glenn
Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
Glenn
If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!
Glenn
Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!
(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)
(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!
We're trying to listen here now.
OEOllie & Emma
Shut the fuck up, Phil!
(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)
(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
Glenn
Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room.)
Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.
Glenn
Cooking with gas!
I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!
(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live.)
That was not good. That was the opposite of good.
How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?
I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...
(Peter is now very upset with Phil, to say the least.)
(to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!
Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?
Stewart sent her down here.
(looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?
Ollie threw coffee at me.
I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?
Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.
(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)
Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.
We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.
Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!
Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.
(to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.
What do you mean I'm going to be...
You're not going to be better off...
(to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?
Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.
(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)
Glenn
(to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.
I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.
(to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.
(still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."
Glenn
Oh, right.
(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)
I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
– you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.
See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
(Stewart has finally entered the room.)
(to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.
He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.
(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)
(This is the opening scene of this episode.)
Glenn
Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-under. First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven?
Glenn
Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one?
(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)
Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk?
No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming.
(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers!
Glenn
Yes.
(laughing) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
Well, I don't see there's any...
(pointing at Terri's trainers) This-This color for healthy breath...
(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)
(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)
Would you like me to take your coffee?
Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
Well, it will dehydrate you.
Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)
I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
(to Nicola) Would you like some help with your makeup?
(The conversation shifts to Nicola's upcoming interview, regarding the launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
So this interview, who's coming?
Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?
Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the World Tour. No, it's um, it's Gavin.
Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
Well, he's up and coming.
I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. It's the centerpiece of my political career. I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
Glenn
(looking at his computer) It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.
(to Terri) The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming?
We've got confirmed four.
NONicola, Ollie & Glenn
(in disbelief) FOUR?
Glenn
That's one per sector!
This is not something that we are ashamed of! We're not launching a new leper colony!
Okay, no problem. I'm just gonna go down and collect Gavin and his boys...
(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)
So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan?
Glenn
Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him.
Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
Glenn
Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater?
Glenn
Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts.
What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something?
(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)
What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding?
(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)
Glenn
I'm going to stand in the election.
(surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious?
Glenn
I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list.
Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that?
Glenn
Actually...I'm pretty excited about this.
Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?
(smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.
(to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.
(objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
(calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.
(to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah? Well, not in here, it's not.
(again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?
Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.
(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!
Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
(to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.
Glenn
(ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.
It's like wet play, isn't it?
Glenn
(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard) Queen to knight 4.
I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
Glenn
Do you mind?
Oh what, can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (He and Ollie laugh)
Glenn
What, check? Oh, fuck you!
Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.
Malcolm (answering his mobile): Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I know that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
Glenn
What?
Two bits, actually. Um...
Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. (Glenn runs to his desk) I want to hear what the word is on the street.
Glenn
All right, (reporting from his computer) 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. (Ben does not stand) I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! (Ben stands) Fucking move, right. (Malcolm grabs a keyboard) See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. (Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him) Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!
(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)
Glenn
Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well?
Glenn
Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.
I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
Glenn
(to Nicola) By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died.
Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
(deleted scene)
What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
Glenn
Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? (Glenn nods.) What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a sleeping policeman, actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.
(deleted scene)
That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.
(deleted scene)
Jesus Christ, Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the Tate Gallery that everybody's forgotten about.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
