Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

You stole my car! Where's the trust in this house?

When I get confirmed I'm gonna become a man. So how come I can't drive?

Tony Soprano

Oh yeah? Who was that MAN that we had to pick up from camp last year for bed wetting?

It was the year before last.

You could have killed those girls.

That would have been interesting.

What? What did you say?

Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life.

Tony Soprano

What is this?? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper because I'm about to put you through that goddamn window!!

See? That's what I mean. Life is absurd.

Don't say that! God forgive you!

There is no God.

Ey!!

Tony Soprano

Ey!!

Where is this coming from?

Tony Soprano

Do they teach you this crap in school??

Is this that new English teacher Mr. Clark...emm... Where is he from? Answer me!

Meadow Soprano

Overland.

Meadow Soprano

You want him to read anything other than Hustler? Hello. He got assigned ˝The Stranger˝ You want him to be an educated person? What do you think education is? You just make more money? This IS education.

Do you ever think like: Why were we born?

Meadow Soprano

Madame de Stael said: In life one must choose between boredom and suffering.

Tony Soprano

Go to your room! (Meadow leaves)

No, I'm serious. Why were we born?

We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math.

Algebra?? That's the most boring.

Tony Soprano

Well, your other choice is sufferin'. You wanna start now?!?

View quote →

Tony Soprano

Do you eat steak?

What the fuck you talkin about?

Tony Soprano

If you were in India, you would go to Hell for that.

View quote →

I'm going to hell, T.

Tony Soprano

You're not going anywhere but home.

I crossed over to the other side.

Tony Soprano

You what?

I saw the tunnel and the white light...and I saw my father in hell.

Get the fuck out of here.

And the bouncer said that I'd be there too when my time comes.

What bouncer?

"The emerald piper", that's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's day everyday forever. Mikey Palmice and Brendan Filone were there too. They were friends.

Those two guys hated each other.

Tony Soprano

You gotta relax, you just need some rest.

They're friends now. They were playing dice with two Roman soldiers and a bunch of the Irish guys.

Doesn't make sense.

The Irish, they were winning every roll.

View quote →

Tony Soprano

Why don't you just take it easy, will ya? We just wanna talk to ya. That's all.

It wasn't me. It was Sean. Just Sean.

You're shakin'.

You're gonna fuckin' kill me for somethin' I didn't do.

Tony Soprano

Don't you think we coulda killed you already, if we wanted you dead. Relax. We just wanna talk to you.

Tony, it was...it was Sean! You got to believe me, it was Sean, he got nuts! He said we're being pissed on and disrespected and that we should score points with Richie. But I told him hey, Rome wasn't built in one day! Anything Tony, I'll tell you anything you wanna know.

Tony Soprano

What'd Richie say?

It had nothin' to do with Richie, he didn't ask for it. He got mad when I told 'im. Sean did it on spec.

Tony Soprano

Alright. Come here. Come here. Come on. Are you sure nobody else was involved. Take a minute, think it over.

It was Sean all the way.

Tony Soprano

Alright. You're a good kid.

I'm thirsty.

Tony Soprano

See if we got somethin' to drink.

What can I get ya? You want a Fanta? Somethin' like that?

Tony Soprano

How is that? I mean, you sure you want a diet drink? You don't want somethin' with some sugar in it?

There was only diet.

It's good.

Tony Soprano

You finished?

Thank you T.

Tony Soprano

'Cuz that sugarless motherfucker...the last fuckin' drink you're ever gonna have! (Tony pulls the gun out)

Ah! T, No! Mommy! Mommy! Please, Tony, please! (Tony and Pussy shoot Matt)

View quote →

Tony Soprano

What do you wanna talk about?

Fucking Dick Barone!

Tony Soprano

Well, as long as the two of you are happy.

View quote →

Tony Soprano

You don't sell that shit around those routes, you hear me?

I'm workin' with Junior on this.

Tony Soprano

I don't give a shit if you're workin' with Wal-Mart. Knock it the fuck off.

View quote →

JAJackie Aprile, Jr.

You respected my father, you should respect Richie.

Tony Soprano

Those who want respect, give respect.

See, he just told you to shut the fuck up. And he told me to go fuck myself. (To Jackie Jr.)

View quote →

Tony Soprano

See obviously, Richie, you're fucking deaf, I told you ten times, then I find out you're still dealing blow on those garbage routes.

For that I'm losing a fucking bid?

Tony Soprano

Next time you'll find yourself in the back of one of your trucks.

View quote →

Tony Soprano

What is that?

Irina Peltsin

"Chicken soup for the soul".

Tony Soprano

You should read "tomato sauce for your ass", it's the Italian version.

View quote →

Janice Soprano

What'd you do with him? (about Richie)

Tony Soprano

We buried him... On a hill overlooking a little river, with pine cones all around.

Janice Soprano

You did? (joyous)

Tony Soprano

C'mon Janice, what the fuck? What do you care what we did with him, huh?

View quote →

Hello. (on phone)

Hey, man, it's Artie. (on phone)

Yeah, I know, what's up?

Listen, I'm at the Soprano's house. And Tony's a little green around the gills. Flu, i'm guessing. But maybe he ate something didn't agree with him.

Food poisoning?

No, what, salmonella? No! But he had a reaction. You guys ate at an Indian restaurant. It would help if we knew, did you have any symptoms?

No. Well, once during the night, I did have a slight touch of diarrhea. That's all, it passed.

Nothing. Touch of diarrhea.

Tony Soprano

You motherfucker.

A touch. Nothing right, puss? Not what like Tony's going through, right? Like from bad shellfish or anything.

What the fuck? Am I gonna get sick now?

View quote →

Tony Soprano

How long? How much do they know?

A year and a half. No, less.

Silvio Dante

A year and a fucking half you been running your own fucking gossip column?

Motherfucker!! (pushes Pussy angrily)

View quote →

Not in the face okay? You give me that? Huh? Keep my eyes?

You were like a brother to me.

Tony Soprano

To all of us.

View quote →

Tony Soprano

I had a dream I fucked your brains out. Right on that desk, and you loved it.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Well you threw that at me like a rock.

View quote →

Patsy Parisi

I miss him so much.

Tony Soprano

Yeah, well that's natural. But you're with us now. So why don't you...uh...leave the morbid shit back at Junior's crew and...uh...have a happy birthday.