Jennifer Melfi quotes from The Sopranos

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

What line of work are you in?

Tony Soprano

Waste management consultant.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

With today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer with feelings of exhaustion and depression.

Tony Soprano

Here we go. Here comes the Prozac.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

When's the last time you had a prostate exam?

Tony Soprano

Hey, I don't even let anybody wag their finger in my face.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

(Melfi cracks up laughing) I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.

Tony Soprano

Don't apologize.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Oh boy...

Tony Soprano

You got a nice laugh.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

What's the one thing, every woman, your mother, your wife, your daughter, have in common?

Tony Soprano

They all break my balls.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Just so you understand,that i have to charge you for the missed session.

Tony Soprano

What are you talkin' about?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

We agreed on that on our very first meeting.

Tony Soprano

I know, but i just explained to you my situation.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I understand, but it's important that we respect the agreement.

Tony Soprano

What if i got hit by a car?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

But you weren't.

Tony Soprano

I know, but what if?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

But you weren't.

Tony Soprano

I know that, but, but what if?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You weren't.

Tony Soprano

Why don't you answer my fuckin' question?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I will not.

Tony Soprano

You won't? All right, fine, fine. Here. Here you go.Of course, 'cause this is what it's all about? Motherfuckin', cocksuckin' money! Here.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I don't understand that comment, and i don't appreciate being made to feel afraid.

Tony Soprano

I don't appreciate feelin' like i pour my heart out to a fuckin' call girl.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Is that how you see me?

Tony Soprano

Not until now. But it's obvious you don't give a shit about my situation or what's happenin' with me! Otherwise, you wouldn't be shakin' me down.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

It'll show as "paid" on your next month's bill.

Tony Soprano

Fine.Stick it up your ass.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

I have patients who are suicidal!

Tony Soprano

Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.

Tony Soprano

Fuckin' internet.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

The RICO Act, Eliot. We sat there and we talked about the fucking RICO Act.

You treat different patients, your base of knowledge expands.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Two years ago, I thought "RICO" was a relative of his.

Tony Soprano

I had a dream I fucked your brains out. Right on that desk, and you loved it.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Well you threw that at me like a rock.

Tony Soprano

I tell ya one thing though, I'm not gonna make the same mistake with AJ. He got expelled. Him we're sendin' to military school.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You know, we never discussed exactly what you want for your children.

Tony Soprano

I don't want 'em to end up in Boonton with their face blown off...

Tony Soprano

The old guys were different. Men in the front. Wives in the back.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You like that arrangement.

Tony Soprano

Actually, I think the wives should ride in a little cart, behind the car...like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark, there's a little boat with the skunks.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

So wives are skunks?

Tony Soprano

Ah, Jesus fuckin' Christ! It's a fuckin' joke. Does it have to be like a cancer hospital in here?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

But Carmela is in control in the dream...

Tony Soprano

Why, cuz she's drivin'?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Of course, what's wrong with me?

Tony Soprano

I dunno...but we'll find out. Leave it ta Dr. Tony.

Tony Soprano

Nah, I always think.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Really?

Tony Soprano

Yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Having sex with your mistress' cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough ta piss off your wife.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

For example, you could tell her she means a great deal to you, but you think of her as a daughter.

Tony Soprano

Even if I wanna fuck her brains out...?

Tony Soprano

Well, here I am. Back.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Yup.

Tony Soprano

So, let me ask you right off, is there any chance of a mercy fuck?