Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

Paulie Walnuts

How the fuck would Patsy know we clipped "Spoons"?

Tony Soprano

What? That fuckin' twin telepathy...?

Paulie Walnuts

Somebody's puttin' ideas in this kid's head.

Tony Soprano

You got a problem?

Patsy Parisi

What Ton'?

Tony Soprano

I said, do you got a problem?

Patsy Parisi

With what Ton'?

Tony Soprano

I don't know, I heard maybe you got a fuckin' problem, like you don't like bein' here...

Patsy Parisi

I like bein' here.

Tony Soprano

You sure?

Patsy Parisi

Yeah.

Tony Soprano

Y-you sure?

Patsy Parisi

Yeah.

Tony Soprano

No...don't say y-you're sure if you're not sure.

Carmela Soprano

If you want her to be with him, just keep it up. Keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms. (about Meadow dating Noah)

Tony Soprano

Not if I cut off those fuckin' arms.

Tony Soprano

You're a captain, Ralphie, when I say you're a captain.

Ralph Cifaretto

And I'm gonna turn up my hearin' aid so I don't miss it.

Tony Soprano

What I mean is we're Italian?

Tony Soprano

Tanenbaum. Right. But on your application to Columbia, you didn't check Jewish did you?

No. They can't ask about religious affiliation.

Tony Soprano

Oh, right...right...o' course. What'd you check?

African American.

Tony Soprano

So we do understand each other; you're a ditsoon.

Excuse me?

Tony Soprano

Uhh... charcoal briquette? A mulignan?

What's your problem?

Tony Soprano

I think you know what my problem is. You see, your little friend up there - she didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house. Now I dunno what the fuck she was thinkin', we'll get to that later. See I got business associates who are black and they don't want my son with their daughters and I don't want their sons with mine.

Fuck you!

Tony Soprano

[pushes newspaper against Noah's chest] See, that's the kind o' thing I'm hopin' to avoid. So when my little girl comes down the stairs, you're gonna say how nice it was to meet me, then you're gonna go drop her off at school and you're gonna say goodbye.

Uncle Junior

I'm fucking fed up.

Tony Soprano

Hey, I'm on the street. That's the arrangement. Stay home, clip your coupons. Be a happy man.

Janice Soprano

I mean...I...I do know what mom's wishes were, but not to have a wake or a funeral, I mean makes us look like we're unloving children, not to mention cheapskates.

Tony Soprano

Who gives a shit what it looks like, the woman expressed her wishes.

Tony Soprano

What time is it?

I'm here, aren't I? Out of respect to my father.

Furio Giunta

Got a make to phone call. [Furio leaves]

Tony Soprano

Sit down. You want somethin' to eat?

I'm not hungry.

Tony Soprano

That's too bad, I said lunch meet. You want a drink?

Tony Soprano

Lose the glasses. I'm gonna say a few things. I'm gonna say some bad words. You're just gonna have to deal with it. Now I know what you're thinkin', you're thinkin' I clipped your uncle. On the one hand, you'd be a shithead to believe me when I told you I didn't do it. But I didn't. Now I got some bad news for you- look at me. [Tony drums his fork against his plate] Look at me. Your uncle was a rat.

[furiously, rising from his chair] No fucking way!

Tony Soprano

Sit down. Sit down. Sit the fuck down. Your uncle was a rat. And now he's in the witness protection program.

That's my father's brother you're talkin' about.

Tony Soprano

Jackie, I'm a member of your family almost... you think I'm the only one that knows this about Richie? You ask anybody... this hurt all of us.

Jesus Christ...

Tony Soprano

Your dad and me, you know how close we were? He never wanted this for you. He wanted you to be a doctor.

Give me a fuckin' break!

Tony Soprano

Let me tell you something... besides the money, which there is a shitload of, doctor's a very powerful position.

I'm no doctor. You know how hard you have to work to get your MD? How many years it takes? I was even thinkin' maybe osteopathy... but I don't think I have the grades for that even.

Tony Soprano

What? You're not gonna drop out of Rutgers, are ya?

No, but those fuckin' Pre-Med courses almost killed me. I only did it 'cuz my dad was sick.

Tony Soprano

But you should know, he never wanted this life for you. And I'll tell you somethin', I don't want it for my son either.

Tony Soprano

Alright, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this.

Vito Spatafore

I'm upset. But please, I know how to keep my mouth shut.

Ralph Cifaretto

Oh unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.

Tony Soprano

How you doin'? I got new shoes. Soles are a little heavy.

License, registration, and insurance card please.

Tony Soprano

You're with the township right? I think I had dinner with your boss last week. Tony Soprano.

Would you please remove the license from the wallet. Do you know why I stopped you sir?

Tony Soprano

Yeah I do. I'll tell you what, why don't you and your wife have dinner, on me. And you can tell her about it.

You offering me a bribe sir?

Tony Soprano

Course not. You gotta relax a little.

Would you uh...shut the engine please sir?

Tony Soprano

Just out of curiosity, what happens if I don't feel like shuttin' the engine?

Dispatch 582, request backup.

Tony Soprano

Ah, you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.

Carmela Soprano

Tony...

582 what's your dilemma?

Dispatch, cancel backup.

Tony Soprano

Is this the high point of your career?

Wait in the car.

Tony Soprano

Our tax dollars, hard earned fuckin' work.

Carmela Soprano

Makes you sick! You think they'd be out arresting dope dealers!

Tony Soprano

Can you believe this shit?! This, this fuckin' smoke's actually writin' me up!

Carmela Soprano

Stay in the car, Tony!

Tony Soprano

Affirmitive Action cocksucker!

Vito Spatafore

He's gonna be a vegetable, Tony! A fuckin' retard!

Tony Soprano

No, he's gonna be fine.

Ralph Cifaretto

Well, look at the bright side. He wasn't that smart to begin with!

Just say the word. My fuckin' pleasure!

Tony Soprano

Why don't you go grab us some coffee.

Come on, are you kiddin'?!

Paulie Walnuts

Better yet, go to the ear, nose, and throat department. Get your hearin' checked.

Christopher Moltisanti

I'm not fuckin' kiddin' Tony. He's a sick fuck. He was sniffin' her fuckin' panties.

Tony Soprano

What?

Christopher Moltisanti

You heard me.

Tony Soprano

Well...you know, you're gettin' better. That's the important thing. You look better too.

Uncle Junior

If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waitin' in the car who wants to tongue my balls.

Tony Soprano

Hey you want that, it's a phone call away.

Paulie Walnuts

Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.

Tony Soprano

What do you mean?

Paulie Walnuts

They have both male and female sex organs. That’s why somebody you don’t trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?

Tony Soprano

Don’t you think that expression would’ve come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?

Paulie Walnuts

Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.