Carmela Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

Carmela Soprano

You know, Tony, it's a multiple choice thing with you. 'Cause I can't tell if you're old-fashioned, you're paranoid, or just a fucking asshole.

Carmela Soprano

You're kinda cute when you're bein' a bad boy.

Carmela Soprano

Maybe the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse...you ever thought of exploring that as a root cause?

Carmela Soprano

It's the Boston Strangler...Jesus, Ma.

Carmela Soprano

You call my house again. You ever speak to one of my children again, I will track you down and I will kill you. We have got guns here. I mean it.

Carmela Soprano

There are other things to think about. My husband, for one.

Carmela Soprano

I'm not worried about my life.

She's not coming. Grandma just called. She started crying and hung up.

Tony Soprano

She needs a purpose in life.

Carmela

Your mother is tougher than you think.

So what? No fuckin' ziti now?

Hey!

Uncle Junior

I bet that gym teacher shit a brick when your little friend puked on his boots, huh Anthony? (Anthony Junior laughs)

Tony Soprano

Wanna encourage him Uncle Jun'?

Uncle Junior

Hey, whatever happened ta boys will be boys?

Carmela Soprano

He stole from the church.

Tony Soprano

Nothin's gonna happen.

Carmela Soprano

Wake up Tony. It already did.

Tony Soprano

I took an oath Carmela.

Carmela Soprano

What are you, a kid in a treehouse?

Tony Soprano

Did you ever tell anybody about me goin' ta see Melfi?

Carmela Soprano

Is that why they tried to kill you? Because you're seeing a psychiatrist?

Tony Soprano

What're you talkin' about? It was a carjackin'.

Carmela Soprano

At least have the decency not to lie to me.

Tony Soprano

What do ya wanna do Carmela? You wanna move to Utah? Be Mr. and Mrs. Mike Smith? We...we can sell some Indian relics by the road. Maybe start a rattlesnake ranch.

Carmela Soprano

This is our chance ta get out Tony. We could start a whole new life.

Tony Soprano

Have some Mormons over the dinner. Eat some tomatoes that have no taste.

Carmela Soprano

You know what I want Tony? I want those kids ta have a father.

Tony Soprano

They got one. This one. Me. Tony Soprano. And all that comes with it.

Carmela Soprano

Oh you prick.

Carmela Soprano

You stole my car! Where's the trust in this house?

When I get confirmed I'm gonna become a man. So how come I can't drive?

Tony Soprano

Oh yeah? Who was that MAN that we had to pick up from camp last year for bed wetting?

It was the year before last.

Carmela Soprano

You could have killed those girls.

That would have been interesting.

Carmela Soprano

What? What did you say?

Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life.

Tony Soprano

What is this?? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper because I'm about to put you through that goddamn window!!

See? That's what I mean. Life is absurd.

Carmela Soprano

Don't say that! God forgive you!

There is no God.

Carmela Soprano

Ey!!

Tony Soprano

Ey!!

Carmela Soprano

Where is this coming from?

Tony Soprano

Do they teach you this crap in school??

Carmela Soprano

Is this that new English teacher Mr. Clark...emm... Where is he from? Answer me!

Meadow Soprano

Overland.

Meadow Soprano

You want him to read anything other than Hustler? Hello. He got assigned ˝The Stranger˝ You want him to be an educated person? What do you think education is? You just make more money? This IS education.

Do you ever think like: Why were we born?

Meadow Soprano

Madame de Stael said: In life one must choose between boredom and suffering.

Tony Soprano

Go to your room! (Meadow leaves)

No, I'm serious. Why were we born?

Carmela Soprano

We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math.

Algebra?? That's the most boring.

Tony Soprano

Well, your other choice is sufferin'. You wanna start now?!?

Carmela Soprano

If you want her to be with him, just keep it up. Keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms. (about Meadow dating Noah)

Tony Soprano

Not if I cut off those fuckin' arms.

Tony Soprano

How you doin'? I got new shoes. Soles are a little heavy.

License, registration, and insurance card please.

Tony Soprano

You're with the township right? I think I had dinner with your boss last week. Tony Soprano.

Would you please remove the license from the wallet. Do you know why I stopped you sir?

Tony Soprano

Yeah I do. I'll tell you what, why don't you and your wife have dinner, on me. And you can tell her about it.

You offering me a bribe sir?

Tony Soprano

Course not. You gotta relax a little.

Would you uh...shut the engine please sir?

Tony Soprano

Just out of curiosity, what happens if I don't feel like shuttin' the engine?

Dispatch 582, request backup.

Tony Soprano

Ah, you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.

Carmela Soprano

Tony...

582 what's your dilemma?

Dispatch, cancel backup.

Tony Soprano

Is this the high point of your career?

Wait in the car.

Tony Soprano

Our tax dollars, hard earned fuckin' work.

Carmela Soprano

Makes you sick! You think they'd be out arresting dope dealers!

Tony Soprano

Can you believe this shit?! This, this fuckin' smoke's actually writin' me up!

Carmela Soprano

Stay in the car, Tony!

Tony Soprano

Affirmitive Action cocksucker!

Tony Soprano

What are you doin' here?

Carmela Soprano

Answer your father.

I got sent home.

Tony Soprano

Why?

Tony Soprano

Why?

I got in trouble.

Carmela Soprano

Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool.

Tony Soprano

How do you vandalize a swimming pool?

Carmela Soprano

They threw a bunch of stuff in it, they broke things.

Tony Soprano

Why'd you do that for?

Screwin' around...

Tony Soprano

[smacking AJ on the head] On your mother's birthday?!

It wasn't. It was after midnight.

Tony Soprano

What are you, fuckin' stupid? Huh? So what now, you're suspended?

I dunno...

Carmela Soprano

Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled.

Tony Soprano

What'd they say?

Nothing. They just sent me home. They said to bring you guys into the principal's office.

Tony Soprano

On your mother's birthday...

They're gonna call you.

Tony Soprano

Just when everything was going good, huh? You're gonna miss the big game. You're screwing everything up, your football career down the drain!

Carmela Soprano

"Permanent expulsion". I prayed I would never see this.

Tony Soprano

Even I managed to get through school without getting expelled. You know, maybe it's a... blessing.

Carmela Soprano

Well, I don't see how that could be.

Tony Soprano

The place was too loose, it was too easy.

How could you say that? I got expelled.

Tony Soprano

YOU GOT NOTHING TO SAY 'TIL I TELL YOU! UNLESS I ASK YOU A DIRECT QUESTION!

Carmela Soprano

Tony...!

Tony Soprano

I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, AND FOR WHAT?! TO COME HOME TO THIS?!

Sucks to be you...

Carmela Soprano

My God, Tony!

Tony Soprano

There's more where that came from, we're starting a new regime around here!

Carmela Soprano

The school guidance counselor said this might be a cry for help!

Tony Soprano

Aw c'mon, will ya?!

Carmela Soprano

She recommended a school in New Brunswick, Burnwood Day; it's for troubled kids, it has a psychologist right on staff.

Tony Soprano

No. No more fuckin' schools that coddle him, he's going to military school.

Carmela Soprano

What?!

Tony Soprano

That's right, I got some brochures.

Carmela Soprano

You got school brochures?

Tony Soprano

Yeah, from Janice; she was gonna send Harper there but she didn't have the money and it was too fuckin' late!

Carmela Soprano

I'm not sending him away

Tony Soprano

We're looking at those brochures!

Carmela Soprano

You wanna train him to be a professional killer?

Tony Soprano

Oh will you stop! They're soldiers. And the United States Army hardly ever goes to war anymore.

Carmela Soprano

They were marching with rifles, Tony.

Tony Soprano

The barrels are plugged! They're symbolic!

Carmela Soprano

Symbolic of what?

Tony Soprano

Respect!

Carmela Soprano

He will be subjected to the discipline of kids hardly older than himself. Does that seem smart? Boys his age still kill frogs and small animals.

Tony Soprano

The Cusamano's Binky? The cherry bomb with the nails in it, you think it was AJ?

Carmela Soprano

No, that is what I'm trying to tell you. He is still a child. He's a normal child. He's made some mistakes. God knows, he's got a shitload to learn about life. That does not mean that I'm gonna let you send him to the type of school whose whole reason for being is to make him follow orders by instilling fear.

Tony Soprano

He thinks the world owes him a fuckin' livin'.

Carmela Soprano

What could've given him that bizarre idea?

Tony Soprano

We tried it your way for fifteen years now, with Berry Brazel to validatin' his feelings and that fuckin' school did the same thing and what a surprise. He thinks the world runs on his feelings! Well, he's gonna go learn to be a man.

Carmela Soprano

I will not send him to that place.