Artie Bucco quotes from The Sopranos

Artie Bucco

(Talking to himself in the mirror) Oh! Jean-Philippe! Yer home. I called ya five times. Qu'est-ce Que C'est?...Message machine broken? Nice crib. Whazzat uh...Berber carpet? Those, uh... fuckin' shoes you wear, what are they, uh... designer? Hmm? You fuckin' avoiding' me mother fucker? Where’s my money? Oh, what are you gonna cry now, Huh? Stand up you frog–eating Faccia de Gatz'. I will fuck you up!

Your mobster friend gonna do something crazy?

Artie Bucco

If I had any balls I would do it myself.

Tony Soprano

(Artie Bucco holds a rifle to Tony's face) My mother?

Artie Bucco

Oh, don't say she's lyin' Ton'...because why would she!!!?

Tony Soprano

What she tell you, my mother?

Artie Bucco

Don't make it worse. Do me the respect of not treating me like a fuckin' idiot piece of shit. When you blew up the restaurant, you made me party to a criminal conspiracy, did you ever stop ta think about that?

Tony Soprano

I don't know what she told you, my mother, of all people...two arson investigators gave that fire a clean bill o' health Artie. Why the fuck would I blow up your restaurant?

Artie Bucco

To help me! You fuckin' bent psycho! You hear your uncle's gonna hurt my business by stagin' a hit in my place and that's yer solution?! To burn it down for the insurance money!!! What kind o' stupid, sick, twisted logic!

Tony Soprano

Ask yourself a question. Am I that fuckin' stupid, huh? Am I that fuckin' stupid, really...?

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Hello. (on phone)

Artie Bucco

Hey, man, it's Artie. (on phone)

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Yeah, I know, what's up?

Artie Bucco

Listen, I'm at the Soprano's house. And Tony's a little green around the gills. Flu, i'm guessing. But maybe he ate something didn't agree with him.

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Food poisoning?

Artie Bucco

No, what, salmonella? No! But he had a reaction. You guys ate at an Indian restaurant. It would help if we knew, did you have any symptoms?

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

No. Well, once during the night, I did have a slight touch of diarrhea. That's all, it passed.

Artie Bucco

Nothing. Touch of diarrhea.

Tony Soprano

You motherfucker.

Artie Bucco

A touch. Nothing right, puss? Not what like Tony's going through, right? Like from bad shellfish or anything.

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

What the fuck? Am I gonna get sick now?

Artie Bucco

The cobwebs are now removed.

Tony Soprano

The fuck are ya talkin' about?!

Artie Bucco

You saw this whole thing, didn't you? You knew exactly what was gonna happen. You can see twenty moves down the road. Please...I don't blame you, I envy you. It's like an instinct, like a hawk sees a little mouse movin' around a corn field from a mile up.

Tony Soprano

You think it's my fault you're fuckin' lyin' in here?

Artie Bucco

It's just that somebody mentions fifty grand, to bankroll a French digestif, and your mind goes through all the permutations at like, internet speed and realizes, "Oh, worst case scenario, I eat for free."

Tony Soprano

You fuckin' suicide. You're disgraceful!

Artie Bucco

I'm sorry.

Tony Soprano

Nah, fuck that!!! Does anybody else know it was me that loaned you the money?

Artie Bucco

Like who?

Tony Soprano

Like who? I don't give a fuck who. Adriana, Father Intintola, my wife...anybody? (Artie nods no) Alright...ya...ya...ya got mugged. Outside o' yer house. It was a street crime. Kids, they took yer wallet and yer watch. Where are they?

Artie Bucco

Why?

Tony Soprano

Come on! (Tony takes Artie's belongings) Why? You don't care what people think. Well, I do. Enough people hate me! You fought back. They ripped yer earrin' outta yer ear, you were bleedin', you went inside yer house, you...you took a bunch o' pills to kill the pain 'cuz you knew you'd have to wait at the emergency room for a couple o' hours.

Artie Bucco

Ton', they pumped my stomach, they saw the almanac.

Tony Soprano

You got fuckin' mugged. Do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!

Oh...it's you. Hello. Come in.

Artie Bucco

Jean-Philippe, yer home. Qu'est-ce que c'est, man? Message machine broken?

l'm sorry, I...l've been wishing to call you...I...

Artie Bucco

Nice crib. You were supposed to give me my money two days ago.

I know. Credit Lyonnais, they didn't come through with the second round of financing yet. My partners are sick about it.

Artie Bucco

Well, that's not my problem Jean-Philippe, I want my money.

I just told you. I don't have it.

Artie Bucco

Well, when are you gonna get it?

I don't know okay. I don't know. Doesn't look too good.

Artie Bucco

Whoah...whoah...whoah...whoah...what does that...what does that mean?!

I mean, I don't know if its going to happen alright. They...they were not convinced we are a business model. They didn't agree there was as much potential for almanac. The problem has been it seems that people cannot figure out how to market almanac. The hip approach like with Stoli, fails.

Artie Bucco

You said it was the next vodka!!!

Hey, so we are big boys, we must move on.

Artie Bucco

Frog eatin' fuckin' faggia di cazz'.

What did you say?

Artie Bucco

I said I want my money!!

Are you stupid? That money spent. Operating expenses, notaires, travel.

Artie Bucco

No. You have my fifty thousand dollars.

It's business. It's a risk.

Artie Bucco

I have a daughter who needs braces.

Listen to me, I don't have it right now.

Artie Bucco

You fuckin' French fuckin' lyin' cocksucka!!! (Artie starts to fight with Jean-Philippe)

Fuck to your mother! Sale rital... (Jean-Philippe rips off Artie's earring)

Artie Bucco

My earrin'!! You ripped my fuckin' ear!

Du con.

Artie Bucco

Ow! I want my money.

Fuck you. If I see you again, I'll kill you. (Jean-Philippe throws Artie out.)

Tony Soprano

So, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Carmela Soprano

I don't know if you're gonna see it that way. I have asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce.

Artie Bucco

I hope you brought your appetite...

Tony Soprano

Why don't you give us a minute. (Artie leaves the table) Well that's nice. Invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? You think I won't make a scene?

Carmela Soprano

Spare me your outrage, Tony. Accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life.

Tony Soprano

Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?

Carmela Soprano

I think you and I both know that didn't change anything.

Tony Soprano

Well first of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce. We believe in the nuclear family.

Carmela Soprano

Are you listening to yourself? Despite your best efforts, I have an attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of A.J. an also an equitable distribution of our assets.

Tony Soprano

Our assets?

Carmela Soprano

I am through trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum I need to live.

Tony Soprano

Oh so it's fuckin' money? That's all this is to you?

Carmela Soprano

After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to anything beyond that bullshit tax return?

Tony Soprano

Go stand over there, I'll call you when I'm ready.(Artie leaves again) You want money? How 'bout my forty grand you stole out of the bird feeder, that should be plenty, you're such an investment genius.

Carmela Soprano

You want this to get ugly Tony, because these guys live for that.

Tony Soprano

What, you think I don't? (gets up to leave, then comes back) The only reason you have anything is 'cause of my fuckin' sweat, and you knew every step of the way exactly how it works. But you walk around that fuckin' mansion and your five-hundred dollar shoes and your diamond rings, and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. And you don't want it to get ugly. Too late.

Carmela Soprano

I want what I am entitled to.

Tony Soprano

You're entitled to shit. (to Artie): She's ready to order.

Tony Soprano

You lost your fuckin' mind? The shit you're in with that kid, which you brought on yourself.

Artie Bucco

Brought on myself? Oh, I suppose you let a certain element into your world, you're askin' for it.

Tony Soprano

Oh!

Artie Bucco

Jesus fuckin' Christ. How could you pull that scam at my place?

Tony Soprano

Come on, you know I woulda never let that happen if I'd known.

Artie Bucco

You're innocent. I get it. I'm just another victim of "Benny Fazio: Criminal Mastermind."

Tony Soprano

That's right. The moment you found out, instead of puttin' him in the ER, you shoulda come to me. He says he's gonna kill you Artie.

Artie Bucco

I can't take American Express now Tony. You know what that means? I have to start with the fuckin' "two-fors." My accountant insisted, ya happy? Life's not fair, right I know. But somehow, I believed my dad's crap about honest work. He used ta say ta me, "You'll see, pay's off in the end." What a joke.

Tony Soprano

I hate ta see you like this. You know that. 'Cuz you start thinkin' crazy shit!

Benny Fazio

Hey Artie. Come here.

Artie Bucco

You ready ta order?

Benny Fazio

Why you kickin' her ass like that?

Artie Bucco

If you're referrin' to the fact that she's my employee and I'm tellin' her what to do, last time I checked, that's the way it works.

Benny Fazio

She thinks you want her ta cry. I said not true.

Artie Bucco

She told you that? 'Cuz you two talk all the time...

Benny Fazio

Yeah, so what?

Artie Bucco

So maybe you should hire her.

Benny Fazio

I know how to treat people.

Artie Bucco

You're a people person, obviously.

Benny Fazio

I am. And when they're good to me, they get treats. And when they're not, well I got this severence thing I do, it's a complete break actually.

Artie Bucco

Ohohohohohohohohoho. I get it. Uhuh. See 'cuz you talked around that bit so much, I almost missed it.

Benny Fazio

Artie? You know what time it is?

Artie Bucco

We need to talk.

Benny Fazio

Now? My wife is pregnant. She needs to sleep.

Artie Bucco

Martina told me about your little credit card business. Step outside man.

Benny Fazio

I'll be outside a minute honey. Look, you're upset, alright. But it's not my fault that little trick got greedy.

Artie Bucco

Oh, so she's a little trick, huh? (Artie shoves Benny)

Benny Fazio

I was gonna cut you in, but now you're actin' stupid.

Artie Bucco

Regular people are all fuckin' stupid? (Artie heavily shoves Benny and Benny reciprocates with a hard punch as the fist fight ensues)

Benny Fazio

You want some more? (Artie lunges at Benny, takes him down, and batters his face with an onslaught of heavy punches)

Artie Bucco

Piece of dog shit. Little greasy motherfuckin' meatball dog shit. Poo. (Artie spits on Benny's battered body and performs some angry punch moves) I'm stupid...? (Artie leaves)

Artie Bucco

Benny, can I get you a Martina?

Benny Fazio

'Scuse me?

Artie Bucco

A Martina. It's like a Martini, but it's from Albania.

Hmph. I never heard of it.

Artie Bucco

Well, apparently, they go down real easy, right Benny?

Benny Fazio

(staring at Artie) We're gonna look at the menu.

Artie Bucco

Good enough. (Artie leaves)