Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Your town appears on no maps or charts.

Homer

Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.

Marge

And when there was a map makers convention here, we all got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Homer

Not the one you're thinking of though, there's another one.

Edna

We have shirts from other high schools.

Marge

Ooh, we can wear those to the nice malls.

Marge

I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...

Bart

This is exactly why kids need a union.

Marge

What if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store?

Homer

That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Marge

How come they never call me fun mom?

Homer

A family's like a team. On every team, you have the slam dunking mega star and the referee.

Marge

But this was all I had!

Stop your bloody winging Marge!

Marge

Aaah! Gordon Ramsay?

You shut up big blue! Didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder. You're not as much fun as him and you'll never will be. [Marge cries] Darling, darling, crying's not fun. Homer's fun! Now get out of my dream!

Marge

It's my dream!

Not anymore it's not! Ramsay, awake! [snaps his fingers, then awakes from his own bed] What in the hell was that?

Bart

Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers?

Marge

We tried that last year.

Homer

D'oh!

Bart

Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?

Marge

You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.

Lisa

Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?

Bart

Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!

Homer

Oh, Marge. How would you like some future sex?

Marge

Why do you say future? This is now.

Homer

I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

Lisa

Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.

Marge

Not since they passed Homer's law.

Bart

Where's dad?

Lisa

He took the boys out.

Bart

How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?

Marge

People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.

Marge

Don't even bother shooting us. We found a new place we love. It may not have indoor plumbing, but it has something else we treasure more.

Homer

Yeah, non jerks!

Marge

In our new community people accept each other for who they are. I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead I'm going back to my Home!

Marge

[holding a cigarette] You sell cigarettes to kids.

Lisa

Oh.

Marge

Please don't say one again.

Homer

[whispers weakly] Onnneee.

Marge

Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.

Homer

[furiously turns red and angrily grunts] This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show!

Marge

[calms Homer down] Well, at least you remembered I like her. [kisses Homer which ticks him off]

Homer

[shocked] A pity kiss?! [turns red in anger] That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind! Huh? The phone's dead. Normal, normal, normal, normal, nor... Uncharacteristic?! Hm? A chew-through. What could have... [sees the rabbit eating wire] Aw... I mean, [furiously turns red and angrily growls]

Bart

Aw, he's trying to eat "ewectwicity."

Homer

[angrily screams at Bart] You let this monster into our home, where he chewed through our one and only phone cord!

Lisa

Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.

[on phone] Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from What's On Paula's Windowsill?, ready to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back. (beep) Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! (beep) Marge, this is just plain disrespectful. I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an a*s! (beep) Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave!

Bart

Check it out! It's on TV!

[on TV] They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and Marines!

Marge, go to hell, Marge!

Marge

[sadly turns off the TV] I think that's enough birthday fun. [walks upstairs]

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... I'm gonna get... [grunts; turns his face normal] No, Homer. You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that. So instead, boy, I want you to... [grunts; angrily turns red again] Get in that rabbit cage!

Bart

No way, man. I'm a free-range kid.

Homer

No backtalk! In the cage! Now! Get in there.

Lisa

I don't think dad is coming.

Marge

[Looking at a painting of Homer as a horse's ass] I can see how this show isn't to his liking.