Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!

Homer

American sober or Irish sober?

Marge

.08 sober!

Homer

.15.

Marge

.09!

Homer

.10 with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.

Marge

[groans] Deal.

Marge

Homie, I made you my killer lasagna.

It's poisoned! Whatever you do, don't eat it!

Okay, you're already eating it. Just don't finish it!

Okay, you finished it. But don't ask for--

Homer

Seconds, please!

You moron! Just kill her!

Homer

[to brain] I'll kill her after dessert!

Marge

All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!

Homer

I was out getting drunk, then killing people!

Homer

Here, Millhouse, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray. [catches himself] Oh boy forget that. How about some Cap'n Crunch? [catches himself] Seven Seas Italian Dressing? Oh no no no. Uhh... Chicken of the Sea tuna? Ahh. Billy Ocean CD? The History of Atlantic Records?

Marge

Stop naming things!!!

Homer

I want to but I can't.

Marge

Then go to Moe's.

Homer

Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer. [Looks at Milhouse] Oh ho ho I'm sorry. [Covers his mouth and leaves]

Homer

Where is it? I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are. Ah! Cha-ching!

Homer

Ohh! Oh, Marge darling... What's the combination to our wedding album?

Marge

Our anniversary.

Homer

[Pauses] D'oh!

Homer

We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family.

Marge

We have a family.

Homer

A better one!

Marge

That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Bart

There are no tables or chairs.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Lisa

And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer

[uneasy] More ribs for me?

Hello, Simpsons! [laughs evilly]

Homer

Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!

[Sideshow Bob's actual voice] Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.

Lisa

That voice...[groans] I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!

Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]

AH! Sideshow Bob!

Chief Wiggum

[to Homer] What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?

Marge

Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, really? Then how did you get that? [Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:] What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?

Homer

[off-screen] No, I swear!

Marge

It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.

Chief Wiggum

Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... [Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.] All right, door. You're comin' downtown. [Cuffs himself to the door.]

Marge

I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.

Homer

Marge, that was a joke.

Marge

But it comes from a true place...

Marge

We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!

Homer

I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!

Lisa

Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

Bart

Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.

Marge

Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.

Homer

Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.

Homer

You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...

Marge

I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.

Homer

I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity rolemodels. [points out of the window at a sign saying "Sonic the Hedgehog says: Wait until marriage"]

Homer

You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?

Marge

I did tell you.

Homer

I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.

Marge

Did you know that every U.S. President has been a straight white man?

Homer

Even Walt Disney?

Homer

At least we know there'll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a President can commit!

Marge

There will never be a worse President. Never.

Homer

Never.