Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[yells at Bart] You do not say suck at the dinner table!

Bart

But veggie loaf does suck. It sucks a whole truck full of butts.

Homer

You leave trucks out of this.

Lisa

While the children are bouncing around why we don't do a little bouncing too.

Bart

That it's even more romantic than what you said at quarter backs.

Bart

Oh, thanks, Mom. "Just keep away from scrotum." Uh, Grampa, where's your scrotum?

Grampa

Mm, I think it's in my other pants.

Bart

My toys. You're alive?

Bart Simpson, I'm gonna do what clowns do best: kill. [Using an orange rope as a whiplash, he hits Bart down]

Homer

That's baloney. Anybody could fake a check from Warner Bros. Animation.

Bart

No, it's legit. I made more in a minute than you do in a month, fatso.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little... [tries to strangles Bart]

Bart

Uhp-uhp-uhp. Keep your hands off the moneymaker. And don't look me in the voice.

Bart

Okay, there's nowhere else to sleep. I have no choice. [ends up entering Lisa's bedroom with Maggie, Lisa, and the dolls] Ay, caramba! Okay, ladies, let's get this over with. [as he sees so many dolls on the floor, he becomes very frightened. Then he leaps on her bed] No more girly stuff, lights out.

Lisa

As you wish, Prince pajama foot.

Dolph

So, Simpson, what did you do to get stuck on this perp hike?

Bart

Let's just say I got a little creative with some laundry pods.

Homer

I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm truly sorry. [cuts to an Imagine Spot of the crowd as pilgrims]

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Homer

Sorry if you pee-pee babies were offended by something that was no big deal and everything's fine. So what's the issue?

Bart

[to Lisa] Amazing job, you really got his voice down.

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

Bart, don't watch that. [puts a sack onto Bart's head] Now go to bed.

Marge

Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?

Homer

I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.

Bart

No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.

Homer

Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Yells at Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!

Marge

Yes, that's it. The destroyer. You ruin everything, even our holiday picture. [Shows Bart their holiday picture]

Homer

There's no such thing as Christmas fangs! I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.

Marge

I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next. [Loses her breath] I can't... I ju... I can't...

Homer

Babe, babe, tag me in. I can take him. [Marge tags Homer, and he leaps over the bed] Destroyer. Our house is filled with unexploded pranks. Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.

Lisa

[enters the bedroom, carrying a glass of hot dog water] Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker. He's the destroyer!

Homer

I just told him that.

Lisa

Good. [puts the glass on the floor]

Homer

Ten years as your father has left me empty. Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic sticky and covered with dying bees! I'm just... I c-- I can't...

Marge

Babe, babe. [Homer tags Marge and collapses]

Marge

Okay, punishments. What's your least favorite vegetable?

Bart

Swiss chard. [gasps]

Marge

You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.

Homer

[gets up on his feet] And you're never allowed to read a book again!

Bart

Perhaps, but on the other hand... [Burps at Lisa in her face, then laughs]

Lisa

Ugh. Mom!

Bart

Gotcha!

Marge

Bart, say excuse me.

Sideshow Bob

Wait, did you only asked me to sing to forestall your gruesome end?

Bart

Guilty as charged.

Bart

I call a drumstick.

Homer

Nice try, boy, but we agreed I'd get both drumsticks every Thanksgiving on the day you were born.

Bart

Aw, no fair. I was too young to sign that.

Homer

I believe this is your foot, is it not? And I had it notarized.

Bart

[turns red in anger] Why you giant.. [angrily strangles Homer]

Lisa

[sighs] But the worst was yet to come. That Thanksgiving would surpass Christmas and my birthday as the saddest day of the year.

Marge

Stimulus checks? We were supposed to catch these during the pandemic. Should we spend the money now or wait for the next one?

Bart

So what are we gonna blow it on, jet ski or motorbike? Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Lisa

[to Marge] Mom, there is something I've always wanted for this family, but it's not a thing, exactly.

Bart

Vroom?

Lisa

...but rather, it's an experience. Something we can all treasure and talk about for years to come.

Marge

Wow. Well, then maybe we should do it.

Bart

[to Marge] Wait, that's the move? Go all sincere and emo? Gross.

Lisa

There is one small issue. My idea will take finessing with Dad.

Marge

Hmm.

Lisa

I am so sorry. You can sell my Malibu Stacy Dream House. It's increased in value. I just redid the kitchen.

Homer

Relax. We're not gonna sell your toys. The sax is where the real money is.

Marge

Homer.

Homer

What? My upper-lower, middle-lower, lower-class income isn't gonna get us out of this.

Marge

Hmm. In order to save this family, I'm gonna have to do something I've never done before, get a job.

Bart

Oh, you've had tons of jobs: cop, realtor, gym owner, erotic baker, weed sommelier.