[yelling at Jim] I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.
S8 E13Jury Duty
S8 E14Special Project
Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?
I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
You know, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already.
[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
It just feels like a slap in the face.
I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.
S8 E15Tallahassee
I am on the two-kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh-
[hears door, hides]
Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.
What do you think happened?
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.
[Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam, and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.
S8 E16After Hours
Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.
Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
News flash: If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
That is where we disagree.
S8 E17Test the Store
Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.
Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.
S8 E18Last Day in Florida
You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!
Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
APAngela, Pam, Phyllis, Oscar
What?
He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
So he's alive?
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
S8 E19Get the Girl
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.
[to Erin] Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you, and I want to be with you.
IIrene
Where's the ring?
Hm?
IIrene
Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
[Irene and Glenn leave]
Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.
GGlenn
[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?
IIrene
[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.
Hey, don't listen.
S8 E20Welcome Party
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Yeah, he does.
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Yep.
Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
He does have a moustache.
Yes!
Welcome back, Stanley.
[Stanley grunts]
In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.