Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
S9 E3Andy's Ancestry
[about Game of Thrones] It has a lot of nudity, which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
S9 E4Work Bus
GGroup
Shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
My name is Pam.
GGroup
Yeah!
I like to paint.
GGroup
Yeah!
You think you’re better?
GGroup
Yeah!
Oh no you ain't!
GGroup
Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
My name is Kevin.
GGroup
Yeah!
That is my name.
GGroup
Yeah!
They call me Kevin.
GGroup
Yeah!
'Cause that's my name.
Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...
At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.
So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
314 pies.
What if it were salads?
Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.
S9 E5Here Comes Treble
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
S9 E6The Boat
I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.
[cut to Kevin in interview]
I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!
Hey, so that good-lookin' single brother of yours, heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.
Yeah, he's in rehab, actually.
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
S9 E7The Whale
Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song - No Woman, No Cry.
Dwight listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who's a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Okay, so when you're selling to this woman, just imagine she's that nice, reasonable barber.
Okay, I can do that.
Good. Baby steps.
He used to fight dogs.
Like, he used to make dogs fight, or he actually fought dogs?
Little of this, little of that.
S9 E8The Target
Do you think Kevin cares what other people think about him? Or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh! These are my role models now.
This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Oh, you salty dog!
Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.
PPete
There you go.
[to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.
S9 E9Dwight Christmas
Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
How would anyone even know...
Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?
I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
No.
No!
Done, right?
No.
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Topless Christmas.
Tapas Swiss Miss.
S9 E10Lice
Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.