The Office (US) quotes

Dwight

[locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...

Erin

Dwight, are you okay?!

Dwight

Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...

Erin

Wow. He got to purple.

Dwight

[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.

Jim

Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.

Dwight

Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.

Jim

Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.

Dwight

Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.

Phyllis

I have ears, Dwight.

Dwight

Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Jim

Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.

Dwight

How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

Jim

Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?

Dwight

Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...

Dwight

180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Erin

The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones.

Pam

[on phone] Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?

Jim

I think I'm a little too busy these days to s - - [whispering] Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

Dwight

I'll be dammed if I'm gonna let us lose me.

Dwight

Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim

You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight

I chose my words very carefully.

Dwight

Well they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next, and he's a real professional. You say, "jump," and he says, "on who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Erin

Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [Whispers] Neither guy is here. And its Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.

Dwight

This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

Pam

I know. You miss Angela, don't you?

Dwight

I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Andy

I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference.

Phyllis

I can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.

Stanley

I'm the same around horny people.

Angela

What is it?

Dwight

It's my Aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.

Angela

Dwight, that's awful.

Dwight

You have no idea. I mean her hair, her clothes, its all falling off in great, big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.

Angela

What do you mean by poisoned?

Dwight

Probably nothing. Or Strychnine. Or Lemonade and Strychnine, which is actually what it was.

Dwight

We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.

Kevin

Packer, we accept.

Actually, I have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples of stuff. Okay, uh, where to begin? Hey, Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams. Well I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts. Sorry guys. [to Phyllis] Oh, boy. I have not been nice to you. Phylly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... [to Clark] This kid...in a few years.

Pam

Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.

Why can't I just be nice?