Oscar Martinez quotes from The Office (US)

That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael

He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Mmm! It's not cappuccino.

Oscar

He messed yours up, too.

Darryl

He's got to go, Mike.

Michael

It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

S7 E1 Nepotism

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Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?

Oscar

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?

Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.

Meredith

Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

S7 E4 Sex Ed

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[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

AAll

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

In costumes!

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

EKErin and Kelly

And cups of coffee.

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

WWomen

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

AAll

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

AAll

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

EKErin and Kelly

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

AAll

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

S7 E21 Michael's Last Dundies

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[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

Meredith

Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.

Oscar

It just feels like a slap in the face.

I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

Oscar

We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.

I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

S8 E14 Special Project

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Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.

APAngela, Pam, Phyllis, Oscar

What?

He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.

So he's alive?

Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.

Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.

How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

S8 E18 Last Day in Florida

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Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?

Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.

Phyllis

Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.

It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.

Stanley doesn't have a moustache.

Yeah, he does.

Oscar

Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.

Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?

Phyllis

Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.

Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!

Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?

Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

Okay, which one of these looks more right?

[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]

Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.

Gabe

[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?

Okay, quick. Who says moustache?

[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]

Yep.

Who says no moustache?

[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]

Gabe

[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!

Phyllis

He does have a moustache.

Yes!

Welcome back, Stanley.

[Stanley grunts]

S8 E20 Welcome Party

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Darryl

In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.

Ryan

Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.

Oscar

Plus, everyone would know who you meant.

Ryan

Yeah.

S8 E20 Welcome Party

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Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...

At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.

So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?

Oscar

Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

314 pies.

Oscar

What if it were salads?

Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

S9 E4 Work Bus

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Oscar

I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.

[cut to Kevin in interview]

I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!

S9 E6 The Boat

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Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar

How would anyone even know...