Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager', she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vice versa.

Michael

There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together and I made a family.

Michael

It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Michael

You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Michael

I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Michael

Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Michael

Thank you, doctor. Take two of these [flips Toby off with both middle fingers] and call me in the morning.

Michael

This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Guh! Crap, I forgot about Packer...

Michael

Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.

Michael

If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Michael

Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.

Michael

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Michael

[as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!

Michael

I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Michael

[points at Dwight's stapler inside the Jell-O] What is that?

Dwight

That's my stapler.

Michael

No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwight

OK, you know what? [to Ryan] You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim

[eating cherry Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight

It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michael

Oooh, discipline. Kinky! [chuckles] Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

And yeah. Jim, this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jim

OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael

[laughs] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Ryan

You should've put him in custardy.

Michael

Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwight

OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michael

Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.