Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia

I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy

That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?

Sophia

You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.

Dorothy

Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia

Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.

Dorothy

I cannot watch any more of this.

Rose

[coming in with Blanche] Hi.

Sophia

Wrong button. That's fast forward.

Rose

Oh, my.. what are they doing?

Blanche

I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.

Rose

It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!

Sophia

That's reverse, Dorothy.

Blanche

I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing!?

Sophia

[caught sneaking Bridget's meal] It's a little habit I picked up, I call it eating.

[caught in bed with Bridget] Grandma, this isn't what it looks like!

Sophia

Please! I'm eighty years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like!

[Dorothy introduces him to her mother] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?

Sophia

Is he gay?

Dorothy

Uh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.

Goodbye, Mrs. Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition - a magnificent pair of Gauguins.

Sophia

What are you, a pervert?!! I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's gauguins!

Can you cook?

Sophia

Are you black?

Dorothy

Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.

Rose

Merry Christmas Dorothy, Merry Christmas Blanche.

Blanche

Merry Christmas Rose--

Sophia

What the hell is this, The Waltons?

Rose

... "The Men of Blanche's Boudoir".

Blanche

It's a calendar! Each month has a picture of a man who has brought special joy into my life.

Dorothy

Aww Blanche, oh honey, this is so thoughtful. *turns page* ... WHOA!

Blanche

...September?

Dorothy

Yup.

Sophia

I'm surprised you were able to walk in October!

Sophia

[first seeing her sister] Angela?

No, Gina Lollobrigida.

Sophia

If you didn't come here to apologize, why don't you leave?

Why should I apologize?

Sophia

I'll tell you why, because you're nothing but a back-stabbing Judas in sensible shoes!

Oh, yeah? Well, you know what you are? You're a two-lire tramp with cheap bridgework!

Sophia

May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!

May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch... [looking at Sophia's legs] you should be so lucky.

Sophia

May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's!

May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!

Sophia

Oooooh [biting her own fist], that's it! Come back here and say that to my face!

Stan

Ask me anything.

Sophia

All right, when the hell are you moving out?

Stan

You kill me.

Sophia

I'd love to.

Rose

Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?

Sophia

No, Rose, I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Blanche

I am abhorred!

Sophia

We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.

Blanche

Sophia, I said "abhorred".

Sophia

A whore, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same.

Sophia

You're absolutely right Dorothy. And I'll tell you something else. A mother sometimes needs her children even more.

Dorothy

Thank you, Ma. That's very sweet.

Sophia

Give me twenty dollars.

Dorothy

No.

Sophia

You're absolutely right Dorothy. And I'll tell you something else. A mother sometimes needs her children even more.

Dorothy

Thank you, Ma. That's very sweet.

Sophia

Give me twenty dollars.

Dorothy

No.

Sophia

Rose, did I say a mother needs her child? I meant roommate. Give me twenty dollars.

Rose

What for?

Sophia

Seoul, Korea, 1988, the Olympics. I'd like to be there competing for the USA. Contribute now and I'll make sure you get a Sophia lapel pin.

Rose

[goes into her purse and gets Sophia the money] Okay. Good luck, we'll be watching.

Sophia

Thanks. And Dorothy, if Gladys calls, tell her I'll be able to make Bingo tonight.

Dorothy

Ma, don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.

Sophia

It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine!