Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Oh Sophia, I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...

Sophia

Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?

Sophia

Did you see him? Total fruitcake! We're talking serial murderer!

Rose

Well, if somebody tries to murder cereal, he should see a psychiatrist. [laughs]

Dorothy

Don't talk for the rest of the afternoon.

Rose

Do the minks have to be killed [for fur]?

Sophia

No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.

Dorothy

[on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.

Sophia

You just grow a beard.

Dorothy

Don't listen to her, Blanche.

Sophia

You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!

Blanche

Oh, my GOD!

Rose

I never grew a beard!

Sophia

You never grew brains, either!

Sophia

I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.

Dorothy

She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!

Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?

Sophia

They're not here.

Dorothy

MA!!!!

Sophia

Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!

Dorothy

Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!

Sophia

You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don't, who cares?! I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds!

Rose

We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.

Dorothy

Johnny No-Thumbs ?

Rose

Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]

Dorothy

Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!

Sophia

Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]

Rose

He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.

Mr. Pfeiffer

How about Thursday night?

Rose

Thursday night?

Blanche

Are you crazy?

Sophia

Not Thursday, hell no!

Mr. Pfeiffer

Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.

Dorothy

We're interested in arranging a funeral.

Mr. Pfeiffer

Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.

Sophia

Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Dorothy

Ma, where are you going?

Sophia

To throw some holy water on her [Mrs. Claxton]. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!

Rose

Mrs. Claxton's soul is part of that tree now, Sophia.

Sophia

That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!

Dorothy

Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?

Sophia

Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.

Rose

Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.

Dorothy

OH GOD!

Sophia

You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Sophia

For starters, Jean is a lesbian.

Dorothy

Ma.

Blanche

What's funny about that?

Sophia

You aren't surprised?

Blanche

Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?

Dorothy

Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia

Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.

Blanche

Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!

Dorothy

I was pretty surprised myself.

Blanche

Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!

Dorothy

Blanche, please!

Blanche

Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?

Dorothy

Blanche, pull yourself together!

Blanche

Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?

Dorothy

No.

Blanche

Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.

Sophia

Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.