Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[hearing a noise] Did you hear that?

Sophia

Yeah, and while I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want! [others back away]

Rose

Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.

Dorothy

Of course I did, Rose!

Rose

You didn't like it.

Dorothy

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.

Rose

[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.

Dorothy

[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]

Blanche

Oh no, the power lines must be down!

Sophia

That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

Dorothy

Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.

Sophia

Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift her purse] And why does it feel so heavy?

Sophia

Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!

Dorothy

Ma, you're not making it any easier.

Sophia

Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.

Dorothy

Thanks, Ma.

Sophia

Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.

Sophia

Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.

Rose

Where was it?

Sophia

It was in my bra.

Rose

What was it doing in your bra?

Sophia

I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

Sophia

[in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.

Sophia

Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.

[outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?

I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.

Well, we're gonna miss you around here.

Sophia

[inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.

Sophia

I got my lucky handkerchief, I can't lose!

Rose

Where'd you find it?

Sophia

In my bra.

Rose

In your bra? What was your lucky handkerchief doing in there?

Sophia

I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

Sophia

I stuffed it in to give me cleavage, to turn on the butcher so I could get a decent piece of veal.

Dorothy

[to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose

I made dessert!

Blanche

Damn.

Rose

What'd you say, Blanche?

Blanche

"Yum," I said "yum."

Dorothy

Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Rose

Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.

Dorothy

So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?

Rose

Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.

Sophia

I can't even reach mine!

Sophia

Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em!

May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!!

Rose

That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.

Sophia

I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.

Dorothy

Ma, what're you doing?

Sophia

I'm mugging for the camera.

Dorothy

You're mugging me! You're stealing out of my pocket!

Sophia

I'm checking to make sure you have the exact change for the bus... now I'm stealing.

Blanche

Oh my god, is that me?!

Rose

Oh, that's my fault, Blanche, I was out of focus.

Sophia

You're always out of focus.

Blanche

No, I look old, I look ancient, I look all wrinkled up and shriveled like a prune!

Sophia

It could be worse, she could look like Fess Parker.

Sophia

Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!

Dorothy

Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.

Sophia

Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.

Rose

I don't remember Chef Valducci.

Sophia

Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Dorothy

I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.

Rose

Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.

Dorothy

That's very commendable.

Rose

As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Sophia

There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.

Dorothy

Ma...

Sophia

Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Rose

[telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

Blanche

Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

Rose

Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?

Sophia

[screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Dorothy

Why should we be the only ones in pain?

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, how are you?

[mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]

Rose

Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.

[mumbles again]

Sophia

Can we get you anything?

[mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]

Dorothy

Whoa.

Sophia

I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!

Rose

Was this a last minute decision?

Dorothy

We're very sorry, sir.

Rose

Where are you going?

Sophia

The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.

Rose

Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.

Sophia

That old crow from Falcon Crest ?

Rose

Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.

Sophia

From All About Eve?

Rose

That's Bette Davis.

Sophia

The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?

Rose

No, that was Joan Crawford.

Sophia

The fat cop from Highway Patrol?

Rose

[thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.

Sophia

The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!