Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

What are you doing on this elevator?

Sophia

I'm into easy listening, how the hell should I know?

Blanche

Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?

Sophia

I'm staying home to try to recapture my lost youth. ... I see you haven't got it.

Dorothy

Now, look, we can't go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So, whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?

Blanche

All right, yes, yes.

Dorothy

Okay, here we go. [reads votes] "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."

Sophia

Yes!

Dorothy

"Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.

Blanche

Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.

Sophia

If it's any consolation, Blanche, when I wrote "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.

Rose

You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.

Dorothy

I believe you. I just hate you.

Rose

Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that - anyway, when Ol' Space Needle was in high school, she drank some Cherry Herring and made love in the back seat of a Fjord Fjairlane. [notices puzzled looks from others] Local car.

Dorothy

Oh.

Rose

And she... got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Ganakkadopenschpingel.

Sophia

She knows what you mean.

Rose

Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.

Blanche

Well, why would she marry a guy like that?

Dorothy

Because I was young! [catches herself] I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rose, this is your story. Go- go on, go on.

Rose

Well anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-On Warts.

Dorothy

Who bought those?!

Rose

Hags, mostly. Don't you see, he was successful, and he wanted Gunilla back.

Dorothy

Well, what happened to her, Rose?

Rose

Skylab fell on her.

Dorothy

What is the POINT of this story?!!

Rose

Be thankful for your health!

Sophia

[before going in to a Meals-on-Wheels customer's aparment] This is Mrs. Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things. One, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.

Dorothy

Got it.

Sophia

[steps in] Oh hi, Fluffy, looking good!

Blanche

You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?

Sophia

Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.

Blanche

Sophia!

Sophia

So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.

Blanche

My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda you were also wise.

Rose

[beginning a St. Olaf story] We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.

Sophia

Oh God!

Rose

On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh my, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around it and look in.

Dorothy

and they say Hollywood is the Entertainment Capital of the World.

Rose

Well we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too, or spit and time it.

Dorothy

whimpering. She buries her head in her palm.

Rose

Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a few drinks and unzip himself.

Dorothy

It's official. I hate her.

Sophia

Oh, Pussycat, just the person I'm looking for. I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let's say a man wants to take you on a date.

Dorothy

Why is that hypothetical?

Sophia

Check your calendar, Pussycat.

Oh, wait a minute, you forgot to answer the questions on the back and I still need a picture.

Sophia

Can you settle for a thousand words?

No.

Sophia

[in a small voice] Hi, Pussycat.

Dorothy

SAY GOODBYE, OLD WOMAN!

Sophia

Have a good time?

Dorothy

Do I sound like I had a good time?

Sophia

How the hell should I know? You're always like this.

Dorothy

Ma, will you stop meddling in my life? I am sick of it! I told you, if I want a date I can find one for myself!

Blanche

Oh, Dorothy, dear sweet delusional Dorothy.

Dorothy

Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart to heart with my mother. [turns to Sophia] Now, listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey!

Sophia

I don't have to take this! Keep it up, and I'll send you to Shady Pines!

Dorothy

That's where I take you!

Sophia

Ouch... guess I backed into that one.

Rose

I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb!

Sophia

Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good job focusing this for Rose, and for me. I have to admit, you would have made a very good psychologist.

Sophia

Great idea, pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour.

Blanche

A woman has the option to say no. Honey, you weren't given that option. You were given nitrous oxide.

Sophia

Blanche, when have you ever said "no?"

Blanche

Did I say there was gonna be a question and answer period after I spoke?

Dorothy

Ma, you actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?

Sophia

Because you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the Church, you don't even exist! I spit on you! Unless Sister would like to spit on you first.