Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

Ciao, Auf Wiedersehen, arrivederci and sayonara.

Rose

Gee, she could have at least said goodbye.

Dorothy

I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.

Sophia

You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?

Dorothy

You know something, Blanche, you're not the only one who ever had a problem with sisters. When I was a kid, I had a doll named Mrs. Doolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to---

Sophia

Do we have to listen to that damn Mrs. Doolittle story again?! So your sister broke your doll! It was 50 years ago!

Dorothy

It was very traumatic. [voice breaking] She was my favorite doll! I didn't talk to Gloria for months. But eventually, Blanche, I realized, sisters are harder to replace than dolls, so we made up. And I vowed right then and there never, ever to fight over something so childish and silly again---[to Sophia] ---MY FAVORITE!

Rose

I have a sister story I think you'll find interesting...

Dorothy

She didn't just break it, she made it so the eyes would never close again! She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Rose

Now, here's the scary part. Suddenly I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the big city.

Dorothy

[to Sophia] Accident, my foot!

Rose

It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the town square and cried...

Sophia

Gloria was the one who had to get the rabies shot!

Dorothy

[turns to Blanche] I was a biter.

Dorothy

He was trapped in a bad marriage.

Sophia

There is no such thing being as trapped in a marriage. In this country, you can get divorced, in Sicily there was no divorce, you had to resort to lupara.

Rose

Is that some kind of legal loophole?

Sophia

It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.

Rose

It's the oldest confidence game in the world, the pigeon drop.

Sophia

It wasn't his idea, the nun suggested it.

Rose

She was in on it too, that's why it's called a confidence game. They have to win your confidence so you'll hand over your money and get stuck with worthless paper.

Sophia

I don't know what the Church is coming to.

Dorothy

Blanche, what's wrong, you're shaking?

Blanche

I have been humiliated and degraded.

Sophia

Many times, you're just figuring it out now?

Blanche

Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain nestled cunningly in my cleavage. Do I need anything else?

Sophia

Implants.

Rose

What is taking so long? It's been hours.

Sophia

It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. [pause] I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.

Dorothy

You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was to have me and how long it took.

Sophia

Did I mention the colic?

Dorothy

Ma, you're hurting my feelings.

Sophia

Not as much as you hurt my oonie.

Dorothy

[looks around in embarrassment] MA!

Dorothy

Oh, it doesn’t matter what your parents want, Rose, you’re never going to make them happy. They’re just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don’t because you’re in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!

Sophia

[looking unamused, though knowing that she was targeted] In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.

Rose

Oh Sophia, Big-Foot... thank you! I mean, you’re terrific! You made me realize you don’t have to please your parents. I don’t know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating! And I’m not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel!

Dorothy

No, Rose, that you should do.

[screaming from labor pains] Oh... ohh... ohhh... YIKES!

Sophia

[knocks on wall behind her head] Blanche, cut it out. I'm trying to get some sleep.

Dorothy

Becky, wouldn't you rather have your baby in a place with less stereo and more...

Dorothy

Morphine?

Why is she screaming?

Sophia

She's conscious.

Rose

I've found my father! My natural father!

Blanche

He's alive?

Dorothy

He's in Miami?

Sophia

He's an earthling?

Rose

[checking in Sophia] Name?

Sophia

Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People! [Rose writes this down on her clipboard]

Dorothy

Rose, I don't think you are up to this.

Rose

Now, where were we?

Dorothy

Name.

Rose

Rose Nylund.

Sophia

[to hospital worker, thinking she's in heaven] Who are you? Are you an angel?

I'm the guy that shaves everybody.

Sophia

Amazing, that's not even mentioned in the Bible!