Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Boy! Mother Devereaux was dead set against me marrying George. She wanted her little boy to marry a virgin.

Rose

How did she know you weren't?

Sophia

Maybe it was all those Honk if You've Had Blanche Bumper Stickers.

Sophia

Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia?

Dorothy

Your cousin, Ma. She only has weeks to live.

Sophia

Oh. Next time I'll accept the charges.

Rose

[returning from a date with Miles to see The Glass Menagerie] Frankly, I was a little disappointed.

Miles

Really?

Rose

Yeah. When you told me you were taking me to a revival of Tennessee Williams, I was expecting something more along the lines of a seance.

Miles

[laughing] Rose, I have never met anyone like you!

Sophia

Check the cornfield on Hee Haw.

Dorothy

[looking at old family photos] Ah, look, the Jersey shore, summer 1939.

Sophia

Pop sure loved playing with you kids... why do I look so upset?

Dorothy

Oh Ma, don't you remember? Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then, you hated it when he made sand breasts in front of the children.

Rose

Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?

Dorothy

It was great. He says that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.

Sophia

[sarcastically] Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on, my whole past is gone! I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!

Dorothy

Ma, I don't think so, you're not mentioned in any of the books.

Blanche

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything...

Sophia

Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids play stickball on the corner?

Dorothy

Ma, they were beating a man! That was sort of why I called the police.

[singing to Blanche as she is wheeled off to surgery] Over there, over there, send the word, send the word, over there, that the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming, the drums rum-tumming everywhere. Send a prayer, send a prayer, send the word, send the word, to beware...[An old World War I doughboy comes by and salutes]

Blanche

That madman wants to rip me open from stem to stern!

Sophia

Your two favorite parts.

Dorothy

How's Blanche?

Sophia

She's fine. She'll be up and back on her back in no time.

Rose

Sophia, it's been wonderful watching you take care of Blanche all week.

Sophia

I feel like a regular hospital worker.

Rose

Oh, that's nice.

Sophia

Yeah! I just took all the money and jewelry out of her nightstand.

Blanche

[storming into the kitchen] Where's my money, old woman?!!

Sophia

I knew that would get her up. I was born to heal. [hands Blanche back her possessions] Here's your money, and your high school ring, Class of Ni...

Blanche

[snatching back her ring] Give me that!!

Sophia

[dressed as Sonny Bono] Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?

Rose

Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?

Sophia

...Just play the music, Rose.

Blanche

[sees Dorothy and Sophia in their Sonny and Cher outfits] Oh, for goodness sakes, why you two could be celebrity lookalikes!

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, honey, you really think so?

Blanche

Well, absolutely! So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?

Sophia

I'm Sonny Bono, you idiot!

Rose

Blanche, do you know, at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa they have an egg dish named after you!

Blanche

Really? How are they prepared?

Sophia

Over easy.

Dorothy

Ma, we need to talk. I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.

Sophia

Oh, yea, Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.

Dorothy

I called Wolfie's at 11, you weren't there.

Sophia

Guess who got lucky?

Dorothy

Oh God!

Sophia

Oh, my God. Now she's with the other boyfriend. It's like living with Cher. [goes into the kitchen]

Dorothy

Ma.

Blanche

Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcase. Does that mean you're moving back?

Sophia

I don't get it. I'm gone a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut, while the slut's in here being stupid.