Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

You all wanna see my vanskapkaka?

Sophia

As long as I don't have to show you mine.

Dorothy

[about performing at the comedy club] I couldn't, I'd be up there sweating bullets.

Sophia

And dodging some.

Blanche

[about Michael] You just did what you had to!

Dorothy

Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy wondering where he is- I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know, or in some flophouse or out on the street!

Sophia

[walking in] Michael called; he's staying with Stan.

Dorothy

OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Sophia

I wrote it down. You be Rose, why don't I be Sophia. This is what we'll say right after they walk in the door. [reads] "Hi, Blanche! You look beautiful. Welcome home. I love you."

Rose

[reads] "I broke the plate. I'm such a clumsy fool."

Sophia

Okay, now you can skip down to here.

Rose

I'm not gonna do this!

Sophia

Come on, you gotta! If it's the writing, I can punch it up!

Dorothy

Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall was impossible.

Sophia

Did you get something for the grandchildren?

Dorothy

Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat...but I did it anyway!

Sophia

Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world! What kind of a gift is dental floss?

Rose

Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.

Sophia

[tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!

Blanche

What was it?

Sophia

A catalog item.

Blanche

L.L. Bean?

Sophia

Victoria's Secret.

Dorothy

Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.

Blanche

[Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] Okay, I buy for... Dorothy.

Dorothy

Yes! Oh yes yes yes yes!

Rose

Boy Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.

Blanche

[giggles nervously]

Sophia

Go ahead Dorothy, you go.

Dorothy

Okay, I I buy for.... Ma.

Sophia

Yes! [she and Dorothy slap each other five and cheer]

Rose

This really was a great idea! This is really fun!

Blanche

Oh shut up, Rose!

Rose

My turn... I buy for.... Rose.

Blanche

Oh! Thank You God!

Dorothy

No, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.

Rose

Oh thank goodness, I'm so hard to shop for.

Dorothy

Rose, you buy for....

Sophia

Blanche. [Blanche looks pained]

Rose

Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]

Dorothy

Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?

Rose

I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters, so I used the Fourth of July cookie cutters instead.

Sophia

[taking a bite of a cookie] I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag.

Sophia

[to Mary] So when's the baby due?

Dorothy

Ma! You're talking to a sixteen-year-old girl!

Sophia

A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl.

Dorothy

Ma, how did you know that?

Sophia

She had the same look of panic on her face that you had when you were pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I only thought pregnant sixteen-year-old girls had that look until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing?

Sophia

Merrill called, he's coming over, so I'm hiding our valuables.

Dorothy

Oh, Ma, I don't think he's dangerous. You've read those letters to Blanche. They're almost lyrical.

I want Blanche.

Sophia

Break out the finger sandwiches, Mr. Astaire looks hungry.

[To Dorothy] Are you Blanche?

Dorothy

No!

[To Sophia] How about you, cutie?

Sophia

Boy, this guy's done hard time.

Sophia

[about Mary's dog Samson] Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?

Dorothy

No, what?

Sophia

He ate her! Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all!

Dorothy

Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.

Sophia

The woman's in denial! I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth and no one has seen her since!

Sophia

You think that since Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. A slut is a girl who gets knocked up in the back of a Studebaker. It was a Studebaker, right, Dorothy?

Dorothy

It was a Nash, Ma.

Sophia

Now that's a slut.

Sophia

All right, all right, I can pick up a cue. Picture it: Sicily, 1912. A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his pallete without using his hands... but I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her, and she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me. And that painter... was Pablo Picasso.

Dorothy

Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.

Rose

Be positive, Dorothy.

Dorothy

OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying!

[in unison] You're special.

Sophia

You're nuts.

Blanche

What's the point of wearing this if I've got nothing to put in it?

Sophia

I say that every morning when I'm putting on my bra.