The Golden Girls · Season 5, Episode 11
“Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas” · Season 5, Episode 11
In this episode: Rose Nylund (7), Dorothy Zbornak (5), Blanche Devereaux (5), Sophia Petrillo (4)
Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall was impossible.
Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat...but I did it anyway!
Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for taking time off from your own celebrating to provide Christmas for some who are less fortunate. We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the Inn.
Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me. WHY didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? [Dorothy drops a heavy spoon] Surely they must have realized how hard it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season.
I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.
You know, I've been thinking.
Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.
Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
First there'd be the Christmas pageant with the shepherds and the angels, and the Two Wise Men.
There were three wise men, Rose.
Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle, and then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Why, Rose?
Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"
Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world! What kind of a gift is dental floss?
Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
[tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!
What was it?
A catalog item.
L.L. Bean?
Victoria's Secret.
Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like Saint Sigmund's Day without the Headless Boy!
You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea. I gave those servicemen something even Mr. Bob Hope himself could not give them.
A rash?
Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.
[Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] Okay, I buy for... Dorothy.
Yes! Oh yes yes yes yes!
Boy Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.
[giggles nervously]
Go ahead Dorothy, you go.
Okay, I I buy for.... Ma.
Yes! [she and Dorothy slap each other five and cheer]
[Blanche, realizing she is going to get Rose's gift, now looks mortified]
This really was a great idea! This is really fun!
Oh shut up, Rose!
My turn... I buy for.... Rose.
Oh! Thank You God!
No, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.
Oh thank goodness, I'm so hard to shop for.
Rose, you buy for....
Blanche. [Blanche looks pained]
Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]
Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?
I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters, so I used the Fourth of July cookie cutters instead.
[taking a bite of a cookie] I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
