Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Hello, Martha. Where were you?

Sophia

I'll give you a hint. The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth and didn't give a damn.

Blanche

Who died?

Martha

My best friend, Lydia.

Dorothy

I'm so sorry.

Martha

She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.

Sophia

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Rose

Oh, that must be the baby.

Sophia

There's a baby coming?

Rose

A couple from my church are going camping over the weekend and we get to take care of the baby.

Sophia

Good. Maybe now you'll get some food I can chew!

Sophia

How about a cup of tea, Martha?

Martha

A little. I made a pig of myself at the funeral.

Sophia

It was nice. Everybody had a good time.

Martha

I'm going to miss her so much.

Sophia

I know. But you said yourself, the last few weeks were so hard on her. At least now she's resting peacefully.

Martha

I feel so bad.

Sophia

Hey, I'm the one who should feel bad. Lydia and I were wearing the same dress.

Hi. Can I get you ladies drinks?

Sophia

I'll have a Manhattan and I'm watching, so don't slip me any of the cheap stuff.

Martha

I'll have another Harvey Wallbanger.

Sophia

Seeing quite a bit of Mr. Wallbanger tonight!

Martha

I'm celebrating, because I've just had an idea that will change my life. Order anything you like. I'm going to have the shrimp cocktail, the cream of mushroom soup, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and the filet mignon.

Sophia

I like cholesterol as much as the next guy, but you're never gonna get blood to your feet again.

Martha

I'd like to drink a toast. To Sophia, whom I hope I can count on.

Sophia

For what? Get your lips off Harvey and tell me what you want!

Martha

Since you mentioned it, I want you to do something for me. I want you to come over to my place tomorrow night.

Sophia

Oh, what is it, your birthday?

Martha

Sophia, there aren't going to be anymore birthdays.

Sophia

What are you telling me?

Martha

I have so many things wrong with me - arthritis, high blood pressure, angina, just to mention a few.

Sophia

Who doesn't? You can't get into a canasta game unless you have at least two debilitating diseases.

Martha

You don't understand. I'm afraid of the pain, of the hurting. I'm afraid of being alone, of dying alone. I could take the pills myself, but I want you to be there with me and hold my hand.

Sophia

You're right; I don't understand. I'd do anything to stay alive. If my heart stopped beating, I'd want every doctor in town jumping up and down on my chest.

Rose

It was just a dream, Sophia.

Sophia

It's not just a dream for me. Martha wants to commit suicide...and she wants me to be there with her.

Blanche

And what did you say?

Sophia

I said I'd think about it. You can't say no to someone who pops for a $75 dinner; tell them, Blanche.

Rose

Boom.

Rose

[With more energy] Boom! Well?

Blanche

Well what?

Rose

After my boom comes your boom, and then yours, until we're all booming.

Dorothy

How complicated is that herring thing?

Rose

Boom.

Blanche

Boom.

Dorothy

Boom.

Dorothy

Boom. boom. boom. boom.

"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

Dorothy

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

"Give him two lips, like roses and clover."

Dorothy

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

"And tell him that his lonesome nights are over."

Rose

Boom.

"boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom."

Dorothy

"Yes?"

"Bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

Dorothy

I'm so alone! [Turns to see the other two have stopped, looks at Sophia.]

Sophia

Boy, you guys really stink!

Sophia

Remember better. Remember life!

Martha

I don't have much of one. I'm not like you. You live with friends and family, holidays and warmth. I...hear the silence.

Sophia

We'll talk. We'll talk all the time. You can come over Thanksgiving, Christmas, every Friday night. I may not be there, but you could always talk to Rose.

Martha

No, I want to go. Lydia looked so peaceful. [takes hold of the pills]

Sophia

[immediately grabs the pills] We're not in this life for peace!

Martha

You're crying.

Sophia

No, I'm not, I don't cry.

Martha

I can see your tears!

Sophia

And I can see yours, you know what that tells me?

Martha

What?

Sophia

You're not as ready to die as you think you are. You still wanna live, kid!

Martha

Some kid! I don't know what to do.

Sophia

That's the point. If you're not sure, then you can't change your mind tomorrow. You wanted me to be there for your death. How about letting me be here for your life?

Martha

Like a friend?

Sophia

Like a best friend.

Blanche

Dorothy's going through her high school yearbook to see who all's dead.

Sophia

That's my pussycat, fun, fun, fun!

Dorothy

I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.

Sophia

You can still be homecoming queen, it'll just be a different kind of home.

Rose

Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one and Sophia, you're the old one. I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.

Sophia

The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Dorothy

Ma, these are your twilight years.

Sophia

Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years.