Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[meeting Holly] Who's this?

Rose

Well, this is...

Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!

Sophia

She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!

Sophia

Dreyfuss is gone.

Blanche

He ran away?

Sophia

No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!

Blanche

But when?

Sophia

I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10:15 today and late last Thursday.

Blanche

You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?

Sophia

I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.

Dorothy

Ma, you cannot get upset over [losing] one pound.

Sophia

Maybe you can't, I can. For fifty years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Blanche

Mornin', Dorothy. Mornin', Sophia.

Sophia

Who?

Dorothy

I can't balance my checkbook. Ah, what the hell, I'm only off by a few pennies.

Sophia

A few pennies? To you it may not be much, but back in Sicily, a few pennies could make the difference between owning a gun and having to insert bullets into your victim manually.

Blanche

Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?

Dorothy

Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.

Rose

What movie?

Dorothy

Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Blanche

This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.

Sophia

And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]

Don't raise your voice at your mama! You know, your not too old for me to take you across my knee!

Dorothy

You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are!

[laughing] That's my girl! You got lots of spirit, just like you beautiful mama!

[in unison] Thank you.

Blanche

Listen, tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep. [Opens a book and begins to read] "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressin' into her moist flesh. Her heart was poundin', her loins on fire. As he spun her around, her dress rippin' open..." You know how many times I've experienced that?

Rose

[puzzled] Your loins have been on fire?

Blanche

Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..."

Rose

Where exactly are your loins?

Blanche

Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..."

Rose

I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork...

Sophia

[indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing.

[On Dorothy's illness] It could be functional.

Sophia

Functional?

Mental.

Sophia

Mental?!! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. 100% Tip-Top Mental. My daughter may be no spring chicken, and her jaw might crack when she chews! And she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables! But one thing she is not, is mental!

Dorothy

Thanks, Ma.

Blanche

Oh, girls, I have Writer's Block! It is the worst feeling in the world!

Sophia

Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Blanche

You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!

Sophia

Tell me about it.

Sophia

Rose, what the hell are you doing?

Rose

I'm making omelets for us without yolks so we don't get too much cholesterol. That leaves us all these yolks which I hate to throw out, so I thought we'd give 'em to the homeless.

Sophia

Fine, give them egg yolks. They'll die of heart attacks, they won't need homes. Your heart's in the right place, Rose, but I don't know where the hell your brain is!

Blanche

If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai. We're still bonding.

Sophia

Dorothy, how come we never bond?

Dorothy

We're from before bonding and quality time. We're from when people stayed together because they had no choice.

I got up early and did some research. There's a sperm bank not far from here.

Rose

How convenient.

Sophia

No kidding do they have a drive up window?

Dorothy

I remember when I started shaving. I was thirteen, and I wanted to shave because I was going to a movie with Alan Steckler, you remember him, Ma?

Sophia

Small head, enormous lips.

Dorothy

Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving, I'd never be able to stop. I mean she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

Sophia

I was right. By the time you were sixteen, I could grate cheese on your knees!

Dorothy

Rose, you are not stupid, you just... march to a different drummer?

Sophia

Yeah, the little wind-up monkey banging on the snare drum.

Dorothy

Ma!

Sophia

I was agreeing!

Miles

She sure left in a hurry.

Sophia

Hey, who told her to feed me cabbage?