Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[on Ernie] But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know... sex. I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything, but we have been dating awhile.

Blanche

Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.

Sophia

Words of wisdom from the human torch.

Eddie

I'd better get going. I've caused enough trouble.

Dorothy

Look, Eddie, can't we see each other occasionally just as friends?

Eddie

It won't work. It's like trying to eat one potato chip. Au revoir. Oh, hello, Sophia.

Sophia

Hello, Eddie. Eddie, I never noticed that beauty mark on your neck.

Eddie

What beauty mark?

Sophia

That one! [Sophia jumps into Eddie's arms and starts kissing his neck]

Blanche

Sophia! Sophia!

Dorothy

Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we are off to a cabin in the Keys!

Sophia

Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.

Dorothy

Ma, you know that's not how it was!

Sophia

You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!

Dorothy

Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.

Sophia

Great, I wanna go to Disney World.

Dorothy

Then that's where we're going.

Sophia

Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?

Dorothy

That's right!

Sophia

[to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!

Dorothy

So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.

Blanche

That's blackmail!

Sophia

That's show business.

Dorothy

You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.

Sophia

You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Dorothy

Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?

Sophia

Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!

Trudy

Mrs. Petrillo, is that you?

Sophia

No, it's Jane Fonda.

Dorothy

Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.

Sophia

[laughs]

Dorothy

What, Ma?

Sophia

Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.

Dorothy

Why do you say I'm lying?

Sophia

A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!

Rose

Why, what happened?

Sophia

I don't know, I'm that somebody.

Sophia

[bursting into Dorothy's room] Picture it! Sicily, 1852!

Dorothy

Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.

Sophia

What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.

Dorothy

Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.

Sophia

This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!

Dorothy

Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?

Sophia

That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!

Sophia

I got the director to change his mind.

Blanche

[excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?

Sophia

No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.

Blanche

But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!

Sophia

Welcome to show business.

Dorothy

That's because you're hooked on these Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.

Sophia

Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?

Dorothy

[when Rose says she'd be too embarrassed at a rehabilitation center] Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

Sophia

She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]

Blanche

Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.

Dorothy

Blanche, you don't mean...

Blanche

Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.

Dorothy

Obviously you fell off the wagon.

Sophia

And onto a naval base!

Blanche

Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!

Sophia

I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?

Blanche

[on Dreyfuss, the dog] Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?

Sophia

My guess is because he bought you dinner.