Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[on Rose's feelings for Buzz] First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Heywood Boyle, the star pitcher on our high school baseball team. Oh, an amazing athlete. That man had exceptional control... [gets a far-away, aroused look on her face] ...he was always up for extra innings... and his delivery, oh!...

Dorothy

ALL RIGHT, BLANCHE, ENOUGH!

Rose

Yeah, we get it. ... So what was he like in bed?

Magda

[on Communism] The way things were, we knew what to do, the choices were easy. When there is one road, no one gets lost.

Rose

Not necessarily. Back in St. Olaf---

Dorothy

Rose, is this a story about someone getting lost?

Rose

Uh-huh.

Dorothy

Well, don't tell us, show us.

Dorothy

You know something, Blanche, you're not the only one who ever had a problem with sisters. When I was a kid, I had a doll named Mrs. Doolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to---

Sophia

Do we have to listen to that damn Mrs. Doolittle story again?! So your sister broke your doll! It was 50 years ago!

Dorothy

It was very traumatic. [voice breaking] She was my favorite doll! I didn't talk to Gloria for months. But eventually, Blanche, I realized, sisters are harder to replace than dolls, so we made up. And I vowed right then and there never, ever to fight over something so childish and silly again---[to Sophia] ---MY FAVORITE!

Rose

I have a sister story I think you'll find interesting...

Dorothy

She didn't just break it, she made it so the eyes would never close again! She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Rose

Now, here's the scary part. Suddenly I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the big city.

Dorothy

[to Sophia] Accident, my foot!

Rose

It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the town square and cried...

Sophia

Gloria was the one who had to get the rabies shot!

Dorothy

[turns to Blanche] I was a biter.

Magda

Rose, how can you say America is the best. Everywhere you look, you see the rich take advantage of the poor, there is so much inequity.

Rose

Well sure there's inequities but at least we treat everybody the same.

Rose

I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Schroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?

Dorothy

Peanuts envy?

Dorothy

He was trapped in a bad marriage.

Sophia

There is no such thing being as trapped in a marriage. In this country, you can get divorced, in Sicily there was no divorce, you had to resort to lupara.

Rose

Is that some kind of legal loophole?

Sophia

It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.

Our entire block was Irish, the kids on the next block were all Italian. We all took turns beating each other up on the way home from school.

Rose

I think it's nice when children take turns.

Rose

It's the oldest confidence game in the world, the pigeon drop.

Sophia

It wasn't his idea, the nun suggested it.

Rose

She was in on it too, that's why it's called a confidence game. They have to win your confidence so you'll hand over your money and get stuck with worthless paper.

Sophia

I don't know what the Church is coming to.

Dorothy

What are you saying, Rose? Weddings get you hot?

Rose

Yes. I mean, it was fine when Charlie was alive, but oh, I'll never forget that first wedding after he died. So now you see why I can't go if Miles is going to be out of town. I might end up almost going to bed with the caterer again!

Blanche

Rose, I want to help, but first you have to tell me what the problem is.

Rose

[referring to her painting] I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf.

Dorothy

How come?

Rose

Maybe it's because of the horrible St. Olaf Falling Leif story.

Dorothy

Rose, if this a story about a man named Leif, I don't want to hear it.

Rose

It's not that long.

Dorothy

No.

Rose

It has a surprise ending.

Dorothy

All right Rose, just the ending, but keep it short!

Rose

...Splat!

Rose

[on her paintings] I call them "Winter of St. Olaf," "Spring of St. Olaf," and "Summer of St. Olaf."

Why haven't you painted the "Fall of St. Olaf"?

Rose

Because it hasn't happened yet. Although we came pretty close when New Math came along.

Blanche

Rose, I think he's referring to autumn.

Rose

What is taking so long? It's been hours.

Sophia

It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. [pause] I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.

Dorothy

You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was to have me and how long it took.

Sophia

Did I mention the colic?

Dorothy

Ma, you're hurting my feelings.

Sophia

Not as much as you hurt my oonie.

Dorothy

[looks around in embarrassment] MA!

Dorothy

Oh, it doesn’t matter what your parents want, Rose, you’re never going to make them happy. They’re just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don’t because you’re in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!

Sophia

[looking unamused, though knowing that she was targeted] In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.

Rose

Oh Sophia, Big-Foot... thank you! I mean, you’re terrific! You made me realize you don’t have to please your parents. I don’t know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating! And I’m not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel!

Dorothy

No, Rose, that you should do.

Rose

[Comes into the room while Rebecca is in labor] Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?

Dorothy

Yes and yes! It's Becky, she's having the baby.

Rose

I'll put on some corn.

Dorothy

Call the county hospital, tell them we'll be there in about 20 minutes.

And call the coach, the number's by the phone.

Rose

Fine, is there anything you want me to do?

Dorothy

Call the hospital, call the coach.

Blanche

[Comes in] What's going on?

Rose

Something about a baby.