Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

He's alive?

He's in Miami?

He's an earthling?

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Hi, Rose, how's it goin'?

Rose

[holding up a sock puppet and speaking in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Blanche!

God, I hate mornin' people.

Rose

Ever since I started working as a candy striper I've been giving all my patients the Traditional St. Olaf Fun Pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap, and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of them's you and one of them's Dorothy. [mimicking Blanche in a high-pitched Southern accent] "Hi, Dorothy, how do you feel?"

[The real Dorothy comes up behind Rose and smiles as she observes Rose's "show."]

Rose

[mimicking Dorothy in a deep voice] "Oh, woe is me, I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me, woe..."

[The smile on Dorothy's face quickly fades, and she smacks Rose on the top of the head with the newspaper she is holding.]

Rose

[swatting puppet] BAD puppet!

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Rose

[checking in Sophia] Name?

Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People! [Rose writes this down on her clipboard]

Rose, I don't think you are up to this.

Rose

Now, where were we?

Name.

Rose

Rose Nylund.

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Rose, maybe you could help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.

Rose

Maybe she's lost!

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You have a museum [in St. Olaf] where children go to learn about cheese?

Rose

Hey, it's better than them learning about it in the streets!

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Rose

[about Stan's latest invention] What's a "Zborny"?

I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose. Trust me, you don't want to know.

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[The girls and Stan are watching a commercial for his patented potato opener on TV]

Stan

[on TV] Now, you can finally open your baked potato without burning your hands!

Rose

[watching wide-eyed] No, it can't be done!

Stan

[on TV] Yes, it can be done!

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Rose

You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.

I believe you. I just hate you.

Rose

Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that - anyway, when Ol' Space Needle was in high school, she drank some Cherry Herring and made love in the back seat of a Fjord Fjairlane. [notices puzzled looks from others] Local car.

Oh.

Rose

And she... got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Ganakkadopenschpingel.

She knows what you mean.

Rose

Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.

Well, why would she marry a guy like that?

Because I was young! [catches herself] I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rose, this is your story. Go- go on, go on.

Rose

Well anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-On Warts.

Who bought those?!

Rose

Hags, mostly. Don't you see, he was successful, and he wanted Gunilla back.

Well, what happened to her, Rose?

Rose

Skylab fell on her.

What is the POINT of this story?!!

Rose

Be thankful for your health!

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Rose

Stop being so vain. You can't stay forty two forever.

Yes you can. If you eat right, exercise, and live with women who look A LOT OLDER THAN YOU.

Tell me something Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?

S6 E4 Snap Out of It

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Rose

[beginning a St. Olaf story] We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.

Oh God!

Rose

On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh my, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around it and look in.

and they say Hollywood is the Entertainment Capital of the World.

Rose

Well we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too, or spit and time it.

whimpering. She buries her head in her palm.

Rose

Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a few drinks and unzip himself.

It's official. I hate her.

S6 E4 Snap Out of It

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Rose

[telling a story about St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon] Dr. Olfnooner did some work on my mom, and do you who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey!

Rose, that's terrible!

Rose

Well, that's what I thought when I accused the guy of malpractice and ruined his business. Unfortunately, little did I know...

Know what, Rose?

Rose

That was the look she was going for!

S6 E6 Feelings

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Rose

I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb!

Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.

S6 E6 Feelings

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I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal.

Rose

[getting up to leave the kitchen] Believe what you want. See if I care. [muttering while opening the door] Hypersexual bitch. [Dorothy looks taken by surprise and Blanche awkwardly swallows her drink. Both look in the door's direction.]

S6 E7 Zborn Again

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[turns around, seductive] Hello... Oh my God, no! [runs around the table and hides behind Dorothy]

Rose

All right, so he's not a 10!

GGeorge

Blanche, honey, please!

Oh my God, what in hell? Why do you look like that? I don't believe this!

Blanche! Blanche! Who is this?

If I didn't know better, I would say my dead husband George! [runs out of the restaurant]

George, we've heard so much about you! [extends hand]

S6 E9 Mrs. George Devereaux

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Y'know, usually I feel so empty when I realize George isn't here, but this time it's different.

How?

Well, I don't know. The dream was diff- oh, wait. [smiles] I got to hug him. [gasps] You know how I always wake up before I get to hug George? This time I didn't.

Rose

Oh Blanche, that's wonderful!