[on deception] You know, I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken. But it turned out to be a---
Dorothy
MA!!! [to Rose] Rose, in my heart I cannot believe that Miles is a rat, he just fell in with the wrong people, that's all. Now look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night. Keep it. I'm sure you'll find he's the same caring, sensitive person you've known all along... MY GOD, IT WASN'T MY CONFIRMATION DINNER, WAS IT?!!!!
Uh...I don't know, like, set up a meeting, have Stan ask for your hand, you know, in an Italian sort of way.
Dorothy
What do you want me to do, go in, bow my head, kiss her ring? Hey, you know something that just might work, you know, she thinks of herself as the Godfather, I'll just make her an offer that she can't remember.
Oh all right, but we're gonna get you a hobby. [Sticks her finger in the potato] There's something hard in here... it's a... it's a... it's a scalding hot ring! [sticks her hand in the water pitcher to cool it off] Oh, Stan, it's beautiful.
[to Blanche] Everybody who's come has been too young, too pretty, too thin, it's like you want to be surrounded by women who have absolutely no sex appeal.
[pointing to an elderly gentleman in the nursing home who has his arm around a woman] And that's Smokey. He fancies himself a ladies' man. Sort of the rooster of our little henhouse. Whatever you do, don't dance with him, he'll put the moves on anybody.
[reading the penny-saver ad, about which Rose and Blanche are very upset] "Does your face look like this? Do your hands look like this? You need Ponce de Leon Anti-Aging Cream!" [begins laughing hysterically, then notices Blanche and Rose glaring at her] I'd sue.
[snatching penny-saver out of Dorothy's hand] Dorothy Zbornak, how could you?! Oh, look - they have airbrushed liver spots all over us!!!
Dorothy
Tell me about it. You guys look like you should be barking on the front seat of a fire engine! [clams up when she sees Blanche and Rose glaring at her again] I really would sue.
[to Rose, who is sticking her head in the refrigerator, trying to see whether the glasses that she is testing fog up] Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator, close the door and keep your head out here with us.
Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full of retirement home brochures, just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin, to lock her away forever?
Once a year, the women of my village threw a festival to recapture their virginity. It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life "What kind of tramp do you take me for?"
We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too. Every year we'd go down to the lake and they'd be flopping around on the dock... Oh no, wait, that was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
Dorothy
