Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason. He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down, he wants us to have another child right away. Well frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon.

Dorothy

I understand. Wait a couple of years and... [starts to laugh] Medicare will pay for it.

Sophia

Why wait? Have it now and the Enquirer will pay for it!

[holding Aurora] Oh, what a good girl she was this mornin', she was just smilin' and smilin' and smilin'. I know sometimes it's just gas, but she was so cute.

Dorothy

Ma, it's not cute anymore once you pass 80.

Blanche

I remember growin' up in Atlanta, how all of us girls used to pretend to be Confederate belles and receive gentleman callers. It got to be like a competition. In fact, I once received seven callers in one evenin'.

Dorothy

I'm just thinking out loud, but, uh... isn't Atlanta where the Center for Disease Control is?

Blanche

Coincidence.

Blanche

I just don't know what I'm gonna do -- [walks into living room and sees Miles dressed in Amish attire] -- boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma and these rabbis come out of the woodwork.

Dorothy

Rose...who is this?

Rose

Oh, this? This...this is...this is a friend...his name is Samuel Plankmaker. [to Miles] Samuel, these are my roommates. [to the others] Girls, you know Miles -- Samuel ! [grimaces] Shoot! Sorry...

Miles

I'm so sorry ladies, it's -- it's me! I was trying to play a trick on ya.

Sophia

Silly rabbi, tricks are for kids.

Dorothy

[indicating Sophia, who is wearing a pair of dark glasses with prescription lenses because she lost her regular glasses] Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison! Ma, where did you get those glasses?

Sophia

They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.

Dorothy

I know you can't possibly see through them. Now take them off before you hurt yourself.

Sophia

No, they're great, I see just fine... [Indicating Blanche] who's the black guy?

Dorothy

Well, I hate telling you this, Blanche... no, that's not true, I look forward to telling you this, Blanche. The woman your great-grandfather married was born, well, outside of Georgia.

Blanche

How far outside of Georgia?

Dorothy

Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche!

Blanche

Oh no, this can't be!

Dorothy

A Yankee Doodle.

Blanche

There must be some mistake!

Dorothy

You are that Yankee Doodle gal.

Dorothy

Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?

Blanche

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, that can't be. I can't be Jewish!

Sophia

I'll be damned, the black guy is prejudiced.

Rose

Dorothy, I thought you were going to make him suffer.

Dorothy

Oh and I will, tomorrow morning I'll tell him he's the worst lover I've ever had.

Blanche

Where's my tuna quiche? You heard me, I said where's my tuna quiche? I get five ounces of solid food a day, and I want my tuna quiche!

Rose

You mean that little pie?

Blanche

Little pie? Little pie?!

Rose

I wanted a snack.

Blanche

A snack?!

Rose

I thought it was a little fishy.

Blanche

[violently shaking Rose back and forth] Oh! You ate my sensible meal! You ate my sensible meal!

Dorothy

Blanche, stop, Blanche! You're out of control!

Blanche

[coming to her senses] Oh my God! Oh Rose honey, I'm sorry! What did I just do?

Rose

[grabs Blanche's shoulders and shakes her] This!

Dorothy

Honey, we know dieting is hard, we've all been there. I remember the time Stan and I went on that "Weight Loss Through Sex" diet, the idea being every time you felt hungry you would substitute food with some sexual activity.

Blanche

Did it work?

Dorothy

I gained 18 pounds!

Rose

[reading Dorothy's "bio" at the bachelorette auction] "If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damien in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."

Dorothy

Rose... where did you get that?!

Rose

From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it. [continues reading] "She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read."

Sophia

[to Blanche] I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.

Dorothy

I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang-glider is in the shop, and Congress is in recess, and the lepers are on Geraldo. Go ahead Rose.

Rose

Right Dorothy. All right, now let's start the bidding at five dollars.

Five dollars!

Stan

[entering lobby] One hundred dollars.

Dorothy

Stanley! What are you doing here?

Stan

I'm buying a date with the woman I love.

Dorothy

Oh geez! Not in front of people!

One hundred and ten!

Sophia

[to Blanche, about the bidder, who is a man they all "bought" for Dorothy] What the hell is he doing? Didn't you give him a limit?

Dorothy

Security! Have this man removed! He's a lonely male impersonator.

Two-ten!

Blanche

[jumps up from table] What?! What is WRONG with you? The woman's been with lepers!

Stan

Three hundred!

Dorothy

Stanley stop it! I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged, and left on an anthill covered with honey.

FOUR HUNDRED!

Four-ten!

Dorothy

SOLD!

Rose

Dorothy, I say that.

Stan

Five hundred!

Blanche

SOLD!

Dorothy

[pointing to Rose] SHE says that!

Blanche

Rose, do something!

Rose

SOLD! Sorry Dorothy, that's $500 for the Children's Hospital. I guess dreams really can come true.

Rose

On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.

Dorothy

Let me guess, Rose. Ivan Boeskyvanderheuvenfleuvenmeistergarbengerbenfleckman.

Rose

That's the louse.

Angelo

I met a beautiful young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth, and a behind dat must have been made on a Saturday because even the good Lord himself would wanna take a day off to admire it! I lost my heart, and I opened my wallet, eh. All the expensive gifts and fancy dinners and weekends in Mykonos, eh. I even wore one of those-a tiny Speedo swimsuits, shows all your gingerbread and everything, eh. And she leaves me. What does a six-foot-seven-inch American basketball player got that I don't?

Blanche

Well Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone---

Dorothy

BLANCHE!!!

Dorothy

Morning, Ma. Did you sleep well?

Sophia

No, I had that recurring nightmare. You know, the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, "Sorry, but this is too sick even for me."

Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.

Dorothy

[taking the flowers] That's Devereaux. It's only pronounced "Deverucks" in limericks.

Blanche

I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it, a handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep, dark eyes... powerful thighs and muscles ripplin' beneath his tunic...

Dorothy

Blanche, you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty!

Blanche

Are you kiddin'? All the king's horses and all the king's men! Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces...

Dorothy

Blanche, how do you make it through an omelette?!