Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[on Tony] Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc and he was coming at me with a hose!

Dorothy

Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.

Blanche

Did he put out the fire?

Sophia

Three times.

Blanche

Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc Fantasy Triple! Sophia, I hate you.

Dorothy

Now Ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Sophia

I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Blanche

[to Dorothy] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Dorothy

What favors?

Blanche

[to Sophia] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Sophia

I don't owe you any favors!

Blanche

Oh, really? "But officer, the little old lady was with me; she couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe!"

Sophia

It'd be an honor to serve.

Dorothy

Rose, we have to talk. Now look, the food dish is overturned, there is a hole in the newspaper, the potted palm out in the hallway has been dug up. I cannot live like this!

Sophia

Dorothy, please, please don't send me away, I'll try harder!

Dorothy

I'm talking about the dog.

Sophia

Oh. In that case, I also saw him slip two twenties out of your purse.

Rose

Maybe you don't know the fun you can have with a pet. Have you ever actually had one?

Dorothy

Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma, I was six years old and I wanted a pony?

Sophia

Not the pony thing again!

Dorothy

She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus, you know, the kind that you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.

Rose

And that was your pet???

Sophia

They're very clean!

Dorothy

Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one. Which I believed, because, why would a mother lie? So every day I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life, and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.

Rose

How does a paper bird die?

Dorothy

Good question! Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Rose

Now I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now...

Dorothy

That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.

Rose

...but you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche

Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose

Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the House of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going. So I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs...

Dorothy

Rose, you're not skipping!

Rose

Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.

Sophia

[in tears] I did love him. He was my son. My little boy. But every time I saw him, I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

What he was, Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia

[breaking down] My baby is gone!

Oh, Sophia... [She and Sophia embrace as the episode ends]

Sophia

[about Rex] Boy, he makes Wallace Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.

Dorothy

It's been a long time since I've taken you to the movies, hasn't it?

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, are you okay?

Blanche

Never better, why?

Dorothy

I've just never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche

Dorothy, I've done the laundry thousands of times! Oh, by the way, we're out of...[tries to read the bleach bottle]...blee-ock.

Dorothy

You know what the joke going around the teacher's lounge was today, Ma? Me.

Sophia

I know that joke.

Dorothy

Everybody heard on the radio that some anonymous Ma was complaining that her dependent daughter Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.

Sophia

What, you think you're the only gray-haired spinster substitute teacher named Dorothy wasting her life away in Miami?

Rose

I'm sorry, Sophia, but in Dorothy's defense, that sure does sound a lot like her.

Dorothy

I just got the strangest prank call. Some man wanted to know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra and if I could lick my eyebrows.

Sophia

What'd ya say?

Dorothy

I told him no.

Sophia

I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.

Dorothy

I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is absolutely charming.

Sophia

And funny. It's not every cop who could do a good Bette Davis impression.

Blanche

I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.

Dorothy

You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?

Blanche

I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy

You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche

There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia

Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Rose

[from outside the kitchen] Hot damn! [comes into the kitchen] It's happened! It's finally happened! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Dorothy

I take it we now get The Disney Channel?

Clayton

I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.

Blanche

Well, why?

Clayton

Blanche, we're getting married.

Rose

But that's impossible Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. [thinks for a moment] Oh, that's right, you're from the South.

Dorothy

BLANCHE and Clayton aren't getting married you air head! Clayton and Doug are.

Rose

Oh. [hesitantly] O-o-o-h. OH! ... Who??

Clayton

It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug. And he'd bend over backwards for me!

Dorothy

[grabbing Sophia, covering her mouth, pulling her body toward her, then smiling as she looks up at Blanche, Clayton and Doug] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy!