This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
EricaTrue. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
Erica
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
Erica
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
Erica
Hey!
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
Erica
Give me one good reason!
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
Erica
"Wildly inappropriate."
That piece of human [Bleep] doesn't know what's inappropriate for children.
Erica
He said the theme's gonna be "soda hop pop." It's over, mom.
Over? Did Johnny Castle give up when we was unjustly fired from Kellerman's?
Erica
No, he did not.
That's right! He came back and danced dirty, and so will you after I march down to that school and give Principal Ball a piece of my mind.
Erica
No. Let me march.
Erica
I do.
Erica
Yes!
To demand unrealistic changes to school policy, with a complete disdain for reason and common sense?
Erica
I learned from the best.
I've never been prouder to call you my daughter.
Erica
And I've been been proud to be your daughter until now.
[voiceover] And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.
Erica
And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA. No, the school board. No, the secretary of education. So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that?
Erica
What?! That's not how this is supposed to work!
The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable.
Erica
But I'm a Goldberg. This is what we do.
And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling] and she's not here right now.
[Behind the door, Beverly is watching him at the window door]
But...I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance.
Erica
A compromise, huh?
Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect. Understand?
Erica
Uh, I'm not following.
[sighs] Thank goodness that's over.
[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Erica
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Erica
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
Erica
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
Erica
Dirty dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
[voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling.
The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything.
[voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go.
R"Naked" Rob
It's way too long.
[Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion]
[voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
Erica
Baby has a watermelon.
I love sharing secrets with you!
R"Naked" Rob
Way too loud.
[Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage]
[to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
[He begins to chase after Andy Cogan]
[voiceover] While Barry was happily distracted, I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever.
Erica
Dude, what are you doing?
I had a revelation. Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes?
Erica
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I've thought of everything, Erica. See, Columbia House has agents everywhere looking to collect their money. But I'll be one step ahead of them with this. Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory.
Erica
Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude? Whose first name is Optimus?
This guy. He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock styling of Chicago.
Erica
Ugh, why?
Because I'm praying God, Erica. Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein. He's got asthma and issues with his son. He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates.
Erica
Well, we all have hobbies.
Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43. He's a divorced vegetarian. The only thing he loves more than animals? Billy Joel.
Erica
I think maybe you should pump the brakes on your life of crime.
I think you should beat it, narc.
[Doorbell rings]
Erica
Me?
Yes, you. Who else would it be?
Erica
Kermit D. Fonz? That's got Adam written all over it.
You expect me to believe that Adam did this?
Erica
Yes.
Erica
Adam.
My delicious little snuggle monster?
Erica
Yes, Adam.
Erica
He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty.
Why does she say these things, Mama? I'm just a little boy.
See? He's has an alibi. He's a little boy.
Erica
Why do you always blame me for everything? Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me.
[sighs, then opens the box and looks at the tapes] "Weird Al, The songs of Fraggle Rock, The best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And, finally, "101 farts, volume 2." [She closes the box and puts it back down] Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month. No phone, no crimper.
Erica
A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy? [to Adam] Tell her!
Okay, fine. It really was me. [stutters] It was such a good deal. I got caught in the heat of the moment. Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny.
Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore.
Erica
Seriously?
Let mama make you a banana split. [chuckles] Okay? You get nothing.
Oof, tough break. [he hands a tape to Erica] Take Sheila E. For your troubles.
Erica
[chucking it away clattering] This is ridiculous. Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house?
'Cause you do most of it.
Erica
You know, if Mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be.
[She stands up and leaves Adam]
Wait, this was you holding back? Oh, this is not good.
[voiceover] Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name.
Erica
Wow, yeah, okay. Let's do this. Let's shoplift.
Trust me... It's super fun and easy. And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive. Ooh! Fanny packs.
Erica
I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway? Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting.
[whispering] Just a tip... Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting.
Erica
Right, gotcha. 'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime.
I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing. [opening her jacket showing the stuff] Catch up, girl.
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
Erica
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
Erica
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
There's my baby. I made you your favorite. Cheeseburger lasagne.
Erica
Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.
But... Those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal.
Wow, you really have failed as a mother.
Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that.
Well, it's true. You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life of crime. If that ain't failing, I don't know what is.
Oh, you're right. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me. It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good.
Maybe there's someone else who can say it.
[voiceover] Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect day to say "I'm sorry."
Erica
Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.
Look. I don't blame you for acting out after the way I treated you.
Erica
I really don't want to talk right now, or ever.
Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.
[Beverly turns the music on the boombox]
[voiceover] Sure, Columbia House drove Erica and my mom far apart, but it would also bring them closer than ever.
[singing] Everybody needs a little time away
Erica
No, not Chicago.
[singing] I heard her say I heard her say
Erica
Stop doing what you're doing.
[singing] Far away... Far away from their mother
Erica
Don't make the words about you.
[singing] Hold me, schmoo.
Erica
This is a nightmare.
[singing] It's hard for me to say I'm sorry I just want you to stay
Erica
This is the worst.
[sniffles; then sings again] After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that's been said and done
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] You're just the part of me I can't let go
[voiceover] And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] Couldn't stand to be kept away
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Erica
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Erica
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
Welcome to Contempo Casuals. Did you find all the hot styles you were looing for today?
Erica
What? Since when do you work here?
I had no choice. I'm into Columbia House, deep. They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.
I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.
Shh! Don't say my name! They have agents everywhere. {pointing at the girl] Look, that girl's checking out the stirrup pants. She's here for me. I don't have your money, man. I'll get it! Just give me time! [crying and running off] I need more time.
Erica
Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad.
Holy balls! My first professional paid gig!
Erica
I'm not paying you.
Still a professional gig, though.
Erica
It's really not.
I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Erica
Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool, you know, macho.
We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
Erica
What's with the "F"?
There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Erica
Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you.
[on the phone] Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. Leave a message.
[Phone beeps]
Erica
Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need...
Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! It's actually me... Barry.
Erica
[sighs] It's me. I need Dad...
Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. Leave a message.
[Phone beeps again]
Erica
Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad...
No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. So, what's the deal?
Erica
Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the...
But, seriously, leave a message at the beep.
[Phone beeps again]
Erica
Dad, I've got a flat...
Oh, my God. You're a dumb sack of crap.
Erica
[sighs] Being a vegetarian sucked. Honestly, I was just looking for something to distract me from thinking about Geoff all the time.
Erica
Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff!
I thought Barry was messing with me when he said K.I.T.T. was here. Knight Rider is my favorite show!
Erica
Mine too! I love the knights and horses and swords.
Maybe don't talk until you've seen it.
Erica
We should take her for a spin together! Uh, maybe grab a burger, just me and you?
Oh, my God, yes! We can swing by Evy's house and pick her up! She's gonna flip!
That's not how you wanted it to work, huh?
Erica
Yeah, really not my week.
K.I.T.T., pick up girlfriend. [laughs]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
