[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
EricaOkay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
Erica
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
Erica
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
And this has been you not phoning it in.
I've been working my ass off.
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
Erica
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Erica
Which is...
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
Erica
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Erica
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Erica
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Will you make me some drop cookies?
Erica
Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally done with that college essay.
You know, sweetheart, it's not too late to write about a real hero.
Erica
Ship's kind of sailed at this point.
That ship might circle back to port when you take a gander at some circus adventures after the war.
Erica
Oh, Pops, you don't have to make stuff up. You'll always be a hero to me.
But I spend four hours digging this up... Ah, damn it. She's gone.
[Project whirrs]
MOMan on TV
And there they are, folks, stretching it.
[They cheer and applause]
MOMan on TV
All right! Come on down and see it.
[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]
You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]
Wha... What? I have never!
Erica
Seriously?
What? I don't talk like that.
[voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult.
Erica
An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack.
Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. [She puts pickles in the bin]
Erica
You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right?
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into this thing.
Erica
Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know, a trip to the Bahamas.
Or even more exciting... A trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks!
Erica
You already have one! [She shows Beverly a picture of her, Adam and Beverly in the stocks]
But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. [She giggles]
Erica
No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas.
No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere.
Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [BLEEP] fun.
[voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules.
The rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household.
Erica
Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Erica
Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
Erica
You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
Erica
50.
Erica
You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt.
Erica
Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
Erica
I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Erica
Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!
Erica
Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?
[BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]
I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.
Erica
I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.
Erica
A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.
Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.
Erica
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
[gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
Erica
I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.
You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.
But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.
Erica
Just stop talking!
I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!
Erica
Just don't speak!
I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!
Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
Erica
You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
Erica
Just stop talking!
Oh, there you are. [She comes to Adam and Erica] Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher.
Erica
I would love to do that, Mother.
So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters.
Erica
What?
Erica
Fun... That would be.
[voiceover] My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns.
I heard there's a new Star Track movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see Star Track?
That is... A title you would say.
And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.
Erica
Run, Adam! Run!
No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.
Erica
You boned us.
Han Solo is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. And it's Trek, by the way, not "Track"!
Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [BLEEP] musket.
Erica
You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable.
Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [BLEEP] together.
Erica
Ha! Who can't keep it together now?
This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor!
Erica
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Baditude jar! [chuckles] This is too [BLEEP] easy.
[voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning.
[Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]
You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!
Erica
Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.
Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.
But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.
Erica
Sadly, he's right.
And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.
Erica
And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are. And I love it!
Erica
I feel the same way.
So, we all agree, no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
Erica
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
Erica
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
RBRen Bans
The cream is then agitated by the motion of the stick, creating thick, rich butter. Ma'am, would you like to give it a try?
Erica
I'm good.
[in his space robot outfit] I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader.
Erica
Dude, no! I told you not to do this.
Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom.
RBRen Bans
Everyone disregard. Time travel is not part of the tour.
Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that. Proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter!
Erica
I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good.
One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend.
[voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.
Erica
Question... What is this garbage?
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Erica
Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Erica
Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.
So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.
Bevy. I lost another hot dog.
What? Why does this keep happening?
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
Erica
I think my point here is proven.
Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Erica
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!
Erica
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Erica
Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.
[voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
[Adam returns back home and sees Barry]
Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.
Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.
Erica
Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.
[singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Girls, I must confess
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Barry really is the best
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
To know him, we are blessed
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
He's a man, he's a man, he's a man
Barry is the man
I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Erica
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
Erica
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
[voiceover] It was April 3rd, 1980-something, and my sister's stalled music career was about to get a boost.
Erica
Guys, I have insane news! We just got the gig of a lifetime. We're playing the Philadelphia freakin' Spectrum!
Erica
The Flyers Wives have this charity where they throw a whole carnival. And we got picked to be the local band to perform live on stage.
How did this even happen?
Erica
Word of mouth, obviously.
For sure. Also, I submitted a demo.
Erica
Oh, my God, Geoff. You are seriously the most amazing boyfriend/band member ever.
Erica
You got us our big break, Geoff. You've totally earned it.
Sweet! If there's one thing I know, managing my hot-tempered girlfriend's band could only end well.
Problem. This letter's for you and Lainey.
Yeah, I submitted their demo six months ago.
Erica
So now they're only getting two-thirds of the band they want? You suck, and you're fired!
Oh, no! This didn't end well at all!
Erica
We are so boned! There's no way they'll ever want us to perform now.
VEValley Erica
Like, why not? We still totally rock it hard without Lainey.
It's true. The Dropouts still got the goods. I demand you go for it!
Erica
Damn it. Our old but re-hired band manager is right. Our rocket ride to superstardom begins now.
You know, I've been dabbling a bit in documentary filmmaking. Maybe I can make a rockumentary about you guys, like U2's Rattle and Hum.
Erica
No way, nerd. Oh, wait. Sorry. Force of habit. Yes.
Erica
Our fans will for sure want to know how it all started.
Sweet! You get to perform for carnies and the Flyers' romantic partners, and I get to film it.
I heard "Flyers" and "carnies." I must be a part of whatever this is.
They got a real gig playing The Spectrum.
Erica
No, it's none of his business. Just butt out, dude.
Come on! We both know you need my fresh rhymes.
Erica
Your garbage rap has no place in a rock band.
So what about when Aerosmith combined their rock with the sick rap stylings of Run-DMC?
Erica
Doesn't matter! You're not even in the band.
Erica
No, you're not.
Erica
No, you're not! Stop saying it!
Erica
You're in the band.
She said it! Adam's got it on tape!
[Adam puts his thumb up]
It's official! I'm in the band.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
