[rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys?
[The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins]
Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
R"Naked" Rob
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked
AAdam
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
R"Naked" Rob
Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright.
Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny.
AAdam
Oh, my God. It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.
What happened to Coach Mellor?
He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.
Me, too. Shut it down, people.
[They all groan]
Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?
Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.
Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.
Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.
[They all cheer]
No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?
I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.
I call the one available hand.
No way! The hand is mine!
Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?
'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.
AAdam
Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.
I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.
Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works.
[Someone knocks at the door]
Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.
Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?
No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.
BFBen Franklin
Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] The '80s gave us the multiplex... 10 glorious movies under one roof, a heaven where you could literally spend a whole day inside, delighting in mystery, action, and some of the greatest films ever made.
AAdam
[giving the man a ticket] One for ET. One for Indiana Jones, please. One ticket for Mannequin. One for The Lost Boys, please. One for Weekend at Bernie's. They put sunglasses on a corpse. [chuckles]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god. But there's only one musical bad boy who rocked my world. Weird Al.
AAdam
Dare to be stupid? You know it!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Weird Al made me want to write comedy. The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me.
Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?
AAdam
Darn right. Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs.
AAdam
Good news, bro. I've decided to honor you in song.
AAdam
You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight? Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you.
Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it.
AAdam
[singing] Everybody have fun tonight My brother Barry is a wang tonight
[singing] Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse, and I finally had the chance to see him live.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me...
...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times.
AAdam
You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Hold my hand. Live this with me.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance!
Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you?
That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's decided. We do this dance.
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks!
No! Don't you ruin this for us!
There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"!
It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone!
But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television!
Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."]
He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.
Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it?
I just bought you a new used one nine years ago!
I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know?
[helping her hoover] Seems fine to me.
Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.
There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum.
Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you.
Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off]
Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh?
You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.
See? You get it. Why doesn't she?
Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal?
For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.
Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point.
You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars?
I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out.
You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel?
Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines?
Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio?
My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.
And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA. No, the school board. No, the secretary of education. So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that?
What?! That's not how this is supposed to work!
The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable.
But I'm a Goldberg. This is what we do.
And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling] and she's not here right now.
[Behind the door, Beverly is watching him at the window door]
But...I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance.
Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect. Understand?
[sighs] Thank goodness that's over.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.
Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.
Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.
No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.
I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis.
Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you?
Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.
Did someone say "dance instructor"?
No! Where did you even come from?!
Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon!
Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing.
Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.
Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse!
Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.
It's not winning him over.
The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no!
[Adam stops the music]
AAdam
What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body?
AAdam
All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.
You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal?
I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.
AAdam
Okay, if you can pull this off with mom, you'll never have to dance again.
Are you insane? I can't do that!
AAdam
And neither could Ferris Bueller's lame-ass sister. This is, until she learned how.
[This scene cuts to the swimming pool]
I'm in a pool. I don't want to be in a pool.
AAdam
In a movie, they were in a lake. Would you rather be in a lake?
I'd rather be in my chair!
AAdam
Put your hands up. I'll jump to you. You catch me.
[Adam jumps to him but he jumps into the pool 3 times; then he jumps onto him]
AAdam
Aah! My soft-belly meat!
I'm cold. Let's forget this.
AAdam
This is your chance to make mom feel loved and delighted!
I'm freezing and miserable!
AAdam
Don't you swim away from me! What is that, a doggy paddle? You're a grown man!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "dirty dancing" as he would get.
Look at him. Has to be special effects. No one can lift a tiny lady like that.
You're finally watching that movie, huh?
I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it. I'll look stupid.
Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants.
Well, that's about comfort. It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome.
All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think. Why is this different?
Let me be honest with you. [sighs] I don't like to move my body.
Now, the thing is, I'm afraid. Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes -- I-I can't do it.
Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Pops was right. My dad had to see for himself. Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera. And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot. He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did...whatever this is.
Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling.
The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go.
R"Naked" Rob
It's way too long.
[Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
I love sharing secrets with you!
R"Naked" Rob
Way too loud.
[Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage]
[to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
[He begins to chase after Andy Cogan]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first.
[Bill lets Barry in]
Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
$6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles]
[Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry]
Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat]
If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
