Part 2
Right, day eight, part two. Lindsey here. I mean I was only havin' a laugh, I didn't know he'd get washed away. We've come down here to see if we can find him. No luck yet, but the rescue people'll get him. You rang 'em didn't you, Baz?
BBaz
No, I thought you did.
Oh, er. Well, I was only havin' a laugh, he was wearing his life jacket anyway...
[Simon appears in the water and walks up behind Lindsey]
...Well, you know, he's fat, he'll float. He's a good swimmer. You know, what more can I say?
[Simon stands behind Lindsey and picks up an axe]
BBaz
Er, Lindsey? Lindsey?!
What can you do about it?
[Simon hits Lindsey in the head with the axe]
You bastard! You know I can't swim!
Ah, ah. What have you done to my head?! What have you done to my bloody head?! Baz, what's he done to my head?!
BBaz
He's stuck an axe in it.
You stuck an axe in my head?!
You stuck an axe through the famous hat?!
It looks quite good actually.
Yeah? Let's go down the pub then, shall we?
The hat. The hat. The famous...
[Lindsey collapses]
CChris
My name's Chris, erm, I am an alcoholic...
[AA group claps]
...I have got a problem, I can accept that, I'm not gonna give in to it. I'm gonna take each day as it comes. I've done a few bad things. I started when I was 14, drinking the usual cider, Newcastle brown and then whiskey, gin, vodka, special brew.
ALAA Leader
We've all been there.
CChris
Then, I moved on to stronger things, Night Nurse, Benylin. I was basically drinkin anything I could get my hands on, and that's why I came today.
ALAA Leader
Well done, Chris.
[another man stands up]
MMan
Does anyone fancy a pint?
[everyone except for Chris leaves]
I'n't sex brilliant? You know, having it off, it's fantastic. I've done it like hundred times now, with me girlfriend. It's fantastic, except afterwards when y'ave to clear up all the mess, you know, all the wood an' that. I feel sorry for people who haven't had it off, you know, 'cause it's fantastic, except the first couple o' times I really hurt me goolies...they're all right now.
Part 1
[Simon & Lindsey run toward screen with paintball guns; screaming]
Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.
Now, although paintball is not real war...
Although paintball is not real war...
"I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin; Lindsey screams]
Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...
[he raises his goggles to show; Lindsey shoots Simon in the face; Simon screams]
Part 2
Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.
Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.
We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.
And believe me, they work.
Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.
[whistle blows]
[Simon starts to run; Lindsey grins to camera a then starts shooting Simon in the back; Simon falls and Lindsey keeps shooting; Lindsey stops shooting and laughs]
What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?
You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin again]
Jokus maximus bollockus number two!
Part 3
Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.
[Simon turns and runs; Lindsey shoots him again]
Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.
[Lindsey covers his groin; Simon beats him over the head with his gun]
[Roy and Renée are on a plane, the air hostess has just served them a drink so Renée starts talking to the hostess.]
Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?
He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?
They’re all caked in make-up.
He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?
They’re all poofs and lezzies.
You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!
You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant, but 'e's not really small, 'e's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly. And they did it wi' trick photography, which is brilliant, only they don't call it that no more, they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2, have you seen it? It's about a bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again, fantastic. Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a different number like 2 or 3. Even bad films are great aren't they? 'Cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant, in fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, and brilliant silvery costumes and food in pills, and probably some kind of future-y can-opener, fantastic. And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything, except play football, a computer wouldn't be no good in goal. But they can do anything else virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at. I tried wi' me brothers crash helmet the other day and I fell down t' stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?
[a man enters a suit store and is approached by Ken]
Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?
[the man picks up a suit ]
Ooh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?
Ooh, suit you, sir, suit like that, ooh. Do you want one off the peg, sir, or do you want one made up?
MMan
Well I'm looking for something a bit smart, I'm starting a new job.
Ooh, congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own secretary, sir?
MMan
Yes. Yes, I think so.
Will you be giving it to her, sir?
Your secretary, sir, will you be giving it to her?
MMan
I'm not sure I understand.
Have you thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent Blue Serge.
MMan
Yes, blue, or a grey.
Oooh, suit you, sir, ooh. The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir?
[the man grins and nods his head]
Were you out with a lady last-night, sir?
MMan
Yes, I was, as a matter of fact.
The lady you were out with last-night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you, sir, ooh!
[the man goes to leave]
Ah, ah, arms. Sorry, sir, didn't mean a thing. Just making conversation, won't say another word. This...lady you were out with last-night, sir?
MMan
Yes, about four years. She's my fiancée.
[Kenneth walks up]
Your fiancée, does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir?
Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds, ooh!
Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Ah!
MMan
Good bye. [he leaves]
Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir, like this? Ah!
RRenee
Oh, we’ve been to Stratford on Avon and to went to see Shakespeare’s old house, I said to the guide it’s a bit pokey, What did I say to the guide Roy?
RRenee
Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?
The prices aren’t old fashioned.
RRenee
Oh they did laugh. I mean we're not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?
I think I’m going to pee me pants
RRenee
We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?
RRenee
Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?
We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it
RRenee
I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!
[Alf walks out of a greenhouse]
Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.
[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]
Oh no, me new greenhouse!
[ball hits him in the face]
COChild [offscreen]
Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.
[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]
[Alf comes out of his house]
PBPasser-by
Good morning, Unlucky Alf.
'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.
[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]
Holidays are brilliant, aren't they? They last two weeks, two weeks, or one if you want, or even just a weekend, it don't matter. Or if you got time, a month, but maybe that's too long, eh? The whole point of 'em is you don't have to go t' work, if you got a job that is. And you can go to foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like France, or that other one. And you go on a plane, planes are brilliant aren't they? Imagine what holidays must be like without 'em, to get to France would take like years and years and you would've had to swim the Channel with your suitcases and your pyjamas would've got all wet. But you can get on a plane, which is brilliant, and some of 'em now go faster than the speed of sound, which is really brilliant. 'Cause that means, before you went, you could shout 'hello' and when you got there, if you really really listened, you could probably hear yourself, like far-off and distant, like 'hello', like an echo, 'hello'. Aren't echoes brilliant? They're not a modern invention, you just shout and it comes back exactly the same, you don't have to do 'owt, the mountain does it all for you. Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant. [image of volcano erupting] See volcanoes brilliant. [image of sea waters breaching sea wall] Flooding. Fantastic. [image of wave slamming into a ship] Great big waves. Brilliant. [image of lightning strike] Lightning. Brilliant. [image of forest fire] Forest fires, yeah. [image of tornado]Tornadoes, they're best, wow, amazing.
